In Omnia Paratus Book 3

I know.

"What did you mean I don't want to be with Richard?" I breathed deeply trying my hardest to ignore what had just happened.

Lily was sat on the bed with her head in her hands despairing that this had happened right now. We were in complete silence for over a minute until I spoke trying to hold back my tears desperately.

"Explain why they're still there first?" Lily snapped suddenly.

"You know..."

"Do I? Because last year it was my fault! I couldn't walk so you were cutting... it wasn't your fault jen. Accidents happen. It cant still be about that, I'm walking and almost dancing. It took two years but that's over now... so what is it now?" Lily argued.

"Lil..."

"The miscarriage? Because you didn't do it when maisie died so why do it now?" She snapped.

"I don't..." I tried to mutter.

"Richard?" She asked.

"How in the world would it be Richard?" I sobbed.

"Stop crying." She mumbled. "Stop it, if anyone should be upset it should be me." Lily got angry.

"Guys hurry up, Richards getting angry because you're taking so long—" Matt said as he walked into the room. "What the hell is going on?" He watched as I had a red puffy face with tears in my eyes and Lily was sat on the bed in despair.

"It's nothing we will be down in a second." I sniffed forcing a smile at him.

"Lil? What's happened?" Matt ignored me and went over to her.

"Ask her... it's up to her if she wants you to know." Lily scowled. I was angry because she kept saying her instead of my name. "In fact you should grab Richard for this story time too."

"Don't you dare." I snapped.

"Hey Jen calm down." Matt smiled. "This isn't the way you should be handling this..." Matt said to Lily.

"What?" She asked.

"Your sleeves are still rolled up Jen I know what you're bloody fighting about." Matt sighed.

"Guys!" Richard called suddenly.

"Please if either of you love me in anyway you won't say a word to him. Remember how he freaked out last time? I can't... please..." I begged them both.

"No one should be angry at you jen..." Matt said calmly. "This is a really sensitive subject and Lily is only acting this way, because she doesn't know how else to react."

"Alright we will keep your secret for one week then we will tell Richard if you haven't already." Lily said standing up suddenly.

"Thank you." I smiled.

"But tell Richard we need some time I need to talk to jen some more. Start the film without us." Lily told Matt.

"Alright." He nodded disappearing downstairs to tell them an excuse for why the girls weren't coming down.

"Thank you lil," I started.

"I wanna know what the cause is this time, if it's not me." Lily stated kindly this time.

"There isn't one reason. I have multiple reasons why... none of them are good enough to excuse this, I know I'm wrong but please don't shout at me..." I hummed.

"It's alright, I just want to know some of the reasons." She nodded.

"I've only really spoken to Richard about it but depression doesn't just get cured... like last year I didn't have a few months of being depressed, I still am and I probably will be for as long as I can see into the future. I've been managing it ok, I have tablets and I used to have therapy but I stopped going. Sometimes I just wake up feeling a different version of me..." I started.

"Ok..."

"It's like I'm underwater and everyone is talking to me from above the water and I can't hear them and I don't care about them. I'm trapped by myself and left alone with all these thoughts which I hate... sometimes I remember how I liked the pain that self harm brought me and it started again. The whole thing spiralled and I did it again."

"Alright. So how long has it been this bad?" Lily asked.

"The miscarriage really set me off." I nodded.

"I'm sorry I lashed out before but I want you to come to me every time you pick up scissors or a knife or a needle... anything sharp okay? I will help you i promise." Lily sniffed because she was clearly moved by all this.

"My depression isn't going to disappear in one night. I need you to know that I don't want to do this." I tried to explain to her.

"I know." She smiled putting an arm around me.

"Jen what's up? they wanted to start the film without you guys.. is everything ok?" Richard walked into the room and luckily I had pulled my sleeves back down.

"Yeah we're coming now." I smiled.

"We were just having some girly chat and we got carried away." Lily smirked stroking my arm. "We will be down any second, start the movie it's fine."

"Alright. See ya." Richard nodded and then winked at me slightly before walking off.

"Hey I love you. And I'm sorry I flipped out... before I kinda thought it was my fault when all this happened to you. You felt guilty because I couldn't walk... but now I was just frustrated because I had recovered and you were still doing it." Lily explained.

"I get it." I smiled. "We should go."

"Yes lets go."