My Deepest Thoughts

I AM GIVING UP

I'm giving up
Not on me, but on you
Not on life
But on hope
Not on smiles, but on joy
Not on death but on suicide
Not on dreams but on nightmares
Because I am giving up on you

I am giving up on all hope about you.
I am tired of thinking i can make it work.
It is tiring for me to keep trying to give you chances to fix your lies.
I am fed up of trying to make myself believe your lies are actually the truth

I am giving up on the thoughts of ever finding joy.
I will smile sometimes,
But know it is fake.
You are the main source of my joy
And since I can't bring myself to keep believing your lies
You are gone, and you took my happiness with you.
So I am giving up on it.

I am giving up on the thoughts of taking my own life.
Cutting hurts way too much.
The pill aren't really doing much
And the rope might work but it just takes so long.
But that don't mean I am giving up on death.
Because if someone points a gun at me,
I wont beg for my life
When a car is speeding towards me
I won't run for my life, instead I will walk slower.
Because I gave up on suicide not on death.

I am giving up on the nightmares I have about you.
I am tired of seeing you in my sleep.
Not because you are doing anything wrong.
But because I am scared of you.
I am scared you will pull me back with your lies.
I am scared because you are now a monster in my eyes.
But I still have a dream.
I have a dream that you will dream about me and remember all our dreams.
I have a dream that you will regret misusing every chance that I gave.
But I am giving up on having nightmares that remind me of you.

I am giving up on you.
Not because I want to
But because I have to
I was actually trying to make it work.
I actually gave you more chances than I have ever given
I actually wanted you to tell me the truth.
I wanted you to say it to my face.

That you hate me.
I was willing to try and change your mind.
But you kept telling me everyday
That you love me.
But "actions speak louder than words"
And your actions state otherwise.