My Deepest Thoughts

I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

The mirror has become my biggest enemy
My thoughts are now my biggest fear
My mind is my darkest place
And the pain is now part of my daily routine

I've hurt so much it feels strange not to feel pain
The pain got so close to me,
It is now my only friend
My thoughts are now my boss.
They control all my doings
And lately that have been really nice
They are thinking of ways to solve my misery.
So I have been cutting a lot
And sometimes I throw the blade away,
But it always find it's way back.
I put the knife back,
But I always go back to it.
I don't own a gun,
But somehow, it always seem to find me.
My mind has no light
No bright idea ever crossed it's path
It's always telling me to jump,
To cut,
To shoot,
It is always finding ways to make it seem like it's not that bad
Like " it's not that far, just jump"
Or " it's all fun and games, just shoot"
My favorite is "draw a heart on your skin to feel love, just cut"
Because without all these, "how can you feel? you are pretty much numb what can you do?"
My mind changed my definition of love
In my mind, love means pain.
Love means drawing a bunch of heart on your skin with a knife.
Love means carving somebody's name on your body with a blade.
Love means blood
Love means lying that your cat is really good at drawing.
Love to me means death.
And I have broke a thousand mirror
A thousand times,
But I still manage to find more
The mirror don't like me
It is always showing my ugly face
Making me see my chubby body
And I keep breaking it
But it still won't lie to me
Obviously I can't handle the truth,
So why won't it lie to me
Why is my mirror not showing me the face I want to see
It is not showing the body I want to have
It is not lying to me, but I don't want the truth
So I guess I will just break it again
And wait for the next time it finds me again.

Because it won't tell me a lie,
But I can't handle the truth.