My Deepest Thoughts

Happy New Year

Hello, 2020

It's such a pleasure to meet you

You can't understand how much my heart has been longing for you.

I have so much to tell you,

But I don't even know where to start.

But just know, I have so many plans for you.

I aspire for you to be something great.

Dear 2020,

This year I am hoping to try something new.

You see, my resolutions have always been the same.

But since it doesn't seem to be working out,

I am hoping to change somethings.

I think I keep overthinking things.

Well, maybe I am under thinking,

But the point is, my thoughts are not working in my favor.

I still can't believe you're finally here though.

After all these months of pain and suffering

After the days of tears and sleepless nights.

After every minute going by so slow

And me counting by seconds,

How long it's going to take you to be here.

You're finally here!

Oh pardon me,

I've been doing all the talking

I didn't even bother to ask what you got in store for me.

So tell me,

What do you have for me?

I hope it is different from what the past few years gave to me.

Because you know,

The last couple of years have been failing me.

So what is it?

Honestly, I'm not going to ask for much

My new year resolutions, shouldn't be that complicated,

I am working on keeping my dreams attainable.

I just want to be happy.

It's been so long since that word describes me.

I just want to know what it feels like to be free,

From your own body.

My mind is constantly fighting me.

And hopefully, you'll put an end to our fight.

I want to fall in love

But not with a human,

But with my body.

I've been focusing a lot of my flaws lately

I developed all these insecurities that I never thought I had within me.

I just want to fall in love with myself again

Look into my eyes through the mirror,

And just think "what a beautiful, beautiful thing you are"

You will work on that with me, right?

And 2020,

This is the biggest of them all.

I want to learn to let go.

I am holding on to so much pain,

And I think that's why I am hurting so much.

Can we just leave all that behind?

Because I keep saying I forgive but I'm not really forgetting,

And at the end of the day,

I'm the only one in my room sobbing,

Behind closed doors,

I'm the one with the heavy thoughts on my mind.

I just want to move on.

Please keep that in your thoughts

When you're coming to me, to start another chapter.

But if all that doesn't work out,

I just hope to be strong

I just hope I have enough strength to get through it all.

Because last year, I'm not going to lie

I was so close to being done.

But thank God I had the right support

Because I was so close to putting an end to it all.

The thoughts just kept ringing in my head.

I thought I had lost all control.

But 2020, if you can't bring me peace,

Please bring me some strength.

Because 2019 took the last few that I had.

And if I'm going to have to battle my way through another year.

I'm going to need all the help I can get.

But happy new year!

But just remember,

The main word that I'm holding on to,

Is "Happy"

So come with all that you have. 🙃