The Last HeartBeat

Chapter 97 Mental Memorial

The room was slightly chilled, a dark but calm vibe, the curtain was closed but the brightness of glowing clouds outside pushed through gently, it was quiet, the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafting through the air.

Jake opened his eyes, they didn't take long to adjust to the dimly lit room as he gazed around. After his and his familys trip out the other day, Jake was left still feeling empty, he didn't feel like himself at all and only seemed to feel more down seeing everyone else able to do whatever they wanted, laughing, talking...He ended up falling asleep as soon as he got home, avoiding talking to anyone else again.

*What's wrong with me...?* Jake thought as he stared up at the ceiling, it wasn't suppose to be like that, he wasn't suppose to fall so hard, feel like such a failure, he just couldn't seem to get a foot up, and as he sat and thought harder about it, he knew it was partially his fault; Jake had slowly began losing his faith, he didn't expect the worse of the disease, and when it was really hitting him he put his trust into people he thought would protect his mind, they couldn't keep their promises, and when they broke them it broke him...He used them and the relationships he had to define what he thought about himself and the disease, he wasn't being brave for himself anymore, and now without his ex to lean on and to look for a future with, he was feeling the emotions he'd tried to hide from.

There was so much pressure in Jake's head and chest right then, and what did it help keeping everything in? No one else was laying in their bed suffering with him, no one could comprehend exactly how he felt, no one knew how it was like to have their body and mind tortured on the daily, to have pain so bad...Just closing your eyes feels like dying, to constantly ask if its your fault you're sick, to feel like everything people said to him back when he was on social media were right, and he was the bad one, maybe he was just getting his just-desserts...

Jake closed his eyes back tightly feeling them burn with every slow blink, should he reach out? Finally let himself be as vulnerable as he felt, let some of the emotional weight go? Jake's nose scrunched up as he blinked again, feeling the slight wetness on his eyes and eyelashes, there was a rush of fear in imagining sharing his feelings with someone, but he was only hurting himself being all alone...Maybe things would get better if he let it out, his perspectives would be clear, his outlook would be better and he could finally focus on healing again...

"Morning Logan," Mark said shuffling into the kitchen, the light was on in there, and Logan was sitting at the table on a barstool, his head down, holding his coffee mugs handle with one hand. "I'm surprised you aren't in the gym, tired today? Pam and Greg wear you out?" Mark chuckled, walking over to thw cabinets, he got himself a mug and headed to the coffee maker, his back to Logan now, "Wow, usually your the morning person, you still asleep Logan?" Mark asked after pouring himself a cup, he took a big satisfied sniff of it before turning towards Logan again, he frowned seeing Logan in the same positsion one hand on his mug handle, the other on the side of his head, elbow resting on the table.

Mark slowly walked over, placing the mug down, "Logan?" Mark once again tried gaining Logan's attention, finally, Logan slowly looked up, his expression was everywhere from; Stress, fear, empathy...He looked so lost, like the air had been knocked out of him.

"Bad dream?" Mark guessed slowly sitting down, having only ever remembering Logan look that defeated and afraid then..."Mark..." Logan spoke his voice sounded strained, no where near as bubbly as it usually was, "What, what happened?" Mark questioned getting concerned for his friend, Logan cursed under his breath hanging his head again, shaking it, still distrot, "Mark bro- I, I got a call from the hospital- I knew we shouldn't have went with chemothrapy!" Logan said standing up slamming his hand on the table rattling his mug, spilling a splash of the brown liquid.

"Calm down, what happened?" Mark asked trying to remain calm and rational, standing up with Logan, "Mark...They called, they told me they had some news, they were trying to contact me yesterday I didn't know...I was getting all excited- I-" Logan mumbled stopping running a finger through his blonde locks, taking in a deep breath letting it out with a shudder, "Take your time, its okay..." Mark said keeping his voice relaxed, "We have to make- I have to make a decision..I wasn't ready for this bro, I really wasn't..." Logan talked over himself still, frowning still not wrapping his head around everything.

"Ready for what, what happened?" Mark questioned, Logan took a moment trying to calm down to explain himself, "The drugs are trying to get rid of the cancer...The bigger it gets the worse, the drugs has side effects too, before when we checked the stage was down and we thought it was going away..." Logan paused again balling his lip, clentching his fist, Mark put his hand on Logan's arm, silently trying to give him strength.

"What stage is he at?" Mark asked after giving Logan a few minutes to collect himself, "The Doctor said he either needs surgery to remove it, or he'll be in the hospital with intense chemo to try and flush it out...They said the drugs could put him into a coma- best case scenario with that method, his body is weak though they said the drugs could...they could..." Logan struggled to finish, "Take him out?" Mark tried finishing it for him, Logan put his head down nodding, starting to get emotional again.

"Are you going with surgery or medicine?" Mark asked putting his arm around him now, "I don't even know...I haven't told Mom, Dad, I haven't even told Jake!...It came so suddenly, we have all these decisions to make, I just don't know what to do...." Logan said sighing out heavily, sitting back down holding his head.

"Don't lose your head, whatever happens, Jake will finally get the relief he needs," Mark told him gently, sitting back next to him...