Hidden Omega

Ma baby your red lips look like cherry red, My eyes are fixed and steady

The phonecall Namjoon had with Himchan asking for permission to stay with B.a.p cause even if they were courting him he didn't want to just assume that he could go there, was sobby and soft. Namjoon's voice was still rough after crying which the B.a.p beta had instantly figured out, which had to lead up to almost an hour talking on the phone until Himchan got pulled away cause it was dinner time.

Namjoon sad back with a soft smile and just looked at his phone for a moment, it had been a very long time since he had gotten to spend time with B.a.p while he couldn't yet tell if they were the right pack for him, they were a good guess... and... in general he just really missed them, he had been so focused on what was going on in BTS and in his own fucked up mental state that he hadn't really spent any time with his friends.

As the night pulled close he managed to force himself to other food, it was mainly salad still not feeling ready for real takeout or more unhealthy food, but it was a start, and he eats all of it, even the small crumpets made out of white bread. It had been such a long time since he had eaten anything having anything to do with white bread.

He thought he had been okay, he hadn't actually thought he had fallen back into eating disorder territory, but Himchan's letter had opened his mind to it. Himchan was right, knowing and being aware of the problem weren't going to fix it alone, and he would have hard and tough days, but he could do this, he wouldn't let people down who believed in him.

He found that it really helped him to think about it being Himchan instead of him, or Jimin starving themselves. Thinking about how sad he would be if he saw them do what he was doing, it helped him to keep forcing the fork up to his mouth and take bite after bite until everything was gone.

The next part was to not throw the food up after he had finally managed to get it down, that part turned out to actually be harder than he first thought, but a lot of deep breaths and focusing on other people instead of him helped him through it.

The rest of the evening he focused on just his writing, the letter from Himchan had given him a lot of inspiration to finish one of his songs, and when the sun had finally come down, he had finished a verse.

'If I ever meet God, I would tell him this

That life is coffee that I never ordered

I would grab him by the collar and tell him

Death is an americano you can't refill

Are you sure that you're alive

Then, let's prove it somehow

When I exhale, I see my breath

On the window, there's condensation.'

He took a deep breath and looked over the lyrics. Writing had always helped him when he was feeling things that he couldn't put into verbal words, and again it had helped him. When he had written the rest of the song he had wanted to die, but as he now put on the last hand on the song, he... he didn't want to.

Namjoon now knew that things were going to be okay, he knew that he had people who supported him. Even if he didn't always feel that he deserved them, he had support and everything was going to be okay in the end.

As he stretched trying to unknot his back from where he had unhealthily been leaning over the table, he wasn't sure that the song was good for his solo on the new album or to be released at all, but he needed to produce it that was sure.

He yawned a little, it wasn't really that late already, but it had been a long day full of things he hadn't been ready for. Getting ready to bed took way to longer than he wanted, but he couldn't stop himself from giggling in the shower as he put his eyes on the sakura flower conditioner, shampoo, and body wash, he had completely forgotten that Junhong had been there as well to give them to him.