Scared Of Heights | Harry Edward Styles

3: My brain

I sat on the floor, snipping up every photo that laid in front of me.

New house, new me. And I certainly don't want any of those toxic pieces of shit in my life. I gathered up all the bits of paper and went outside before throwing them on the floor and producing a lighter from my pocket. You can probably guess what I did next.

The fire was out and ashes were all over the concrete ground so I went back inside and slammed my door shut. The amount of anger I was feeling right now could literally make me burst. I wanted to just scream but I refused to let out my emotions . I hadn't cried in seven months and I wasn't going to today - or ever.

I paced back and forth, my Artic Monkeys record playing. Well, might as well decorate I guess. My favourite song 'R U Mine?' came on so I turned it up as I got my posters and plants put from my cupboard. I hummed along to the music, taping up my posters one by one. Arranging my plants was a dangerous art but I made it work. I also displayed my magazines too which were all women or non binary people.

I finished up and put my double sided tape away before sighing as I looked in the mirror. I wish I could get contact lenses...I mean, I did have my loan now so I could possibly do it but it was effort to put them in. Why on earth do I look like this though? My little sister got all the good genes: fair skin, dark straight hair, long eye lashes...whats up with the whole fair skin narrative? That you HAVE to be fair no matter what? Why couldn't i just love the skin I already had? It was clear thankfully...what am I saying? It was red patched, texture and fungal acne. Wow, I was fucking disgusting. What else is new though? My phone buzzed while I was deep in thought so I looked down to check it.

Blue🫐: Ayo whens your lessons starting?

Tomorrow - lowkey scared, I replied. What if I chose the wrong course though? I do love illustration too but was it the right thing for me? I liked Writing too and that was my course along with English but...did I make the right choice? I sighed and went to go make dinner in attempt to block out all my thoughts.

I decided to make fish and chips as I was feeling pretty lazy so I got started. I took the fish out of my freezer along with chips and pre heated the oven so I could begin. My lessons were beginning tomorrow and I was feeling so much anxiety right now. Would people like me? Would I make friends? Would I fit in? I hated education so much and I kind of wish I went straight to work instead of carrying on but I lowkey did want to go to university for the experience, ya know? But I was NOT going to prove my mother right - she's very unsupportive of me being here but I have to do well and prove her wrong.

Blue🫐: you got dis!! it'll jus be an ice breaker !!! jus be u maybe you'll make some good friends!

In my dreams. I was awful at making friends and knew I wouldn't make any. But hey, a girl can dream right?

Girl. Ugh.

Anyway, thats the inside of my brain.