Scared Of Heights | Harry Edward Styles

24: Shut up

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

Me versus wanting my brain to shut the fuck up.

Awful memories were at the surface of my mind and haunted me throughout the day. Giovanni was asking me lots of questions for some reason and I struggled to answer - also the fact I had no friends was very daunting. Delilah had made some new friends and sat at the back with them, giggling - they didn't have me to help her anymore though so it sucks to be her.

Harry was currently in Italy and he was sending me lots of photos which was very sweet. Alex visited on the weekend and we re watched Stranger Things and ate Chinese food so that was lots of fun. But my mental health had really slapped me in the face recently and my loneliness was so overwhelming.

Of course after class Giovanni kept me behind and asked what was going on and I just told him I had a late night and was fine. My mind was screaming at me and my thoughts were tearing me apart while I lied through my teeth. He eventually let me go and I made my way to the vending machine to get a snack. I spotted Delilah talking to their friends nearby before spotting me and looking away - I take it she felt guilty but I didn't want to speak to them. They owed ME an apology after all.

"Is that the girl who's friends with Harry Styles?" One of her friend said as I scanned the machine for a snack I liked.
"Yeah her names Zahra" Delilah replied.
"Wait, I swear you two used to hang out. Oh my God I bet it all got to her head"
"No, thats not what happened"
"Nah look at her, actin' like she's all that. Shes ugly anyway"

Tears prickled in my eyes when those words escaped her mouth. I had completely froze and forgot about my drink. I heard it fall, took it out and walked away as fast as I could. I heard sniggering behind me as I power walked out of the hallway and dashed to the exit.

Deep breathes, forget about it.

I arrived back to my flat after what felt like forever, sobs escaping my mouth. I slammed the door shut, my bag slipping off my shoulder. I tore my claw clip out of my hair and threw it to the ground as words haunted my mind along with awful memories of the past.

You're not even that pretty.

No boys gonna want you if you look like that.

No one even likes you..or loves you...

You're literally mental.

"Shut up" I whimpered, sinking to the floor. What the fuck was wrong with me?

She's fucking ugly

Zahra? She's a prude! Wouldn't ever date her.

Get the fuck over it and stop being a brat

"SHUT UP!" I cried out, pleading for the torture to stop.

As you can tell, my life used to be fucking awful and I had been through a lot. People would tell me to ignore what others say or that it wasn't a big deal but didn't realise I was different to them and couldn't really handle some situations like they could. I was weak and vulnerable and I hated myself more than I thought I did...thats how unloveable I am.

"SHUT UPPPPP" I screeched at the top of my lungs. I sat there and tried to just get up and get on with the day but I carried on crying my heart out like there was no tomorrow.

"Zahra? Zahra, I'm right here love. You're okay" A sweet familiar voice spoke, pulling me into their warm arms.