Scared Of Heights | Harry Edward Styles

25: My existence is a hate crime

"Whats going on love?" Harry had come over to surprise me with a indoor picnic but of course, he had come the day I was having a breakdown.

I shook my head, tears streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't stop myself from sobbing no matter how hard I tried. I adored Harry but I feared telling him anything due to how bad my trust issues were.

"You know you can tell me anything. I would never do anything to hurt you" I was literally sobbing on his shoulder as he tried to comfort me the best he could. I wanted to tell him so fucking badly but I was so scared of what he would say. I'd known Harry a few months and never told him anything about myself that could make him leave...like my mental health.

What the fuck was I saying? Harry was so open to me about his and told me everything: about therapy, his anxiety attacks, his trauma...he was so open to me and I never uttered a word which made me cry harder.

"I want it to stop" I whimpered.
"You want what to stop?" He asked, his tone gentle.
"Life" I sniffled. Harry had frozen up when that word left my mouth...he really didn't know what to say but how would he know? Its difficult when someone tells you things like this because you really don't know what to say or do.
"Whats been going on love?" He pulled away slightly and cupped my cheeks with his warm hands, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. I couldn't even look at him but he tilted my face upwards so i was gazing into his olive green eyes.
"Nothing" I sniffled, my gaze swivelling to the floor. I hated lying to people I cared about but I was doing it for his own good.
"Zahra? Look at me" He was being so tender and sweet but more tears just rolled down my cheeks. "I'm not going to force you to tell me whats wrong. But I am going to stay because I don't want you to be alone. Are you hungry? I bought some food so we can maybe have a picnic if you're up for it"

I was fucking starving but I was also very tired

"C-can we do it...there?" I looked over at my bed and back at Harry who could see I was tired.
"Sure, of course. Go get comfortable, I'll set up okay?"
"Okay" Before I got up, I gave Harry a quick kiss on the cheek (we started doing it a month ago) which caused his cheeks to redden.

I returned to Harry, my make up off to see he had moved my desk and put all the food out on the desk. He saw my naked face and I kid you not when I tell you his eyes lit up.
"You look really pretty" He blurted out as I sat on my bed next to him in my big sweater and tracksuit bottoms.
"So I usually look ugly?" I half joked, tapping away on my IPad, looking for Brooklyn 99 on Netflix.
"N-no! No, you're always looking gorgeous" He knew I had a weird sense of humour but sometimes worried.

"Thank you Harry" I knew if I said "No I'm not!", he would get upset or frustrated so I didn't. He watched me set up my iPad before I attempted to get comfortable so he just put his arms round me and let me lean on his side while he sat back against the headboard. "You okay?"
"Mhm" I was not but I didn't want to talk about it more. I had just told Harry I wanted to die so it wasn't exactly...not awkward. But he kissed my head gently as the show started.

I hadn't eaten anything but I did drink lots of lemonade. Harry noticed but was pleased to see I was at least hydrated. He was being very sweet to me; checking in, pouring me more lemonade, promising me he'll be right back whenever he had to take a call or use the bathroom...it was safe to say I knew Harry was a good friend despite my overthinking and self depreciation.

After a few episodes of Brooklyn 99, we just sat there quietly.
"So...uh...how're you feeling?" He asked.
"Fucking shit" I replied without thinking. I realised what I just said but Harry assured me everything was okay.
"Its good to have an outlet y'know and...talk about things in a way that works for you. So by all means, swear o-or shout... even punch me in the face"
"And ruin your beautiful exterior? Never"
"Thank you love" he chuckled. "But seriously...do what y'd need to do"
"Anything?"
"Sure"
"Like...even if I wanted to sit on the floor and draw on the walls?"
"Anything. Just be safe"

I thought for a second before slipping out of Harrys grip and laying back on the bed. He joined me before we stared up at the ceiling in silence.
"I fucking hate my life and im tired of acting like i dont...I'm just...sorry, I dont like talking about myself this is weird"
"You have nothing to be sorry for love" He responded before I rolled over to face him. He did the same, our faces inches apart.

"You sir, are in for a wild ride"