Scared Of Heights | Harry Edward Styles

66: The Freshers Ball

I did end up going.

I'd texted the group chat the day before however.

hey i know its been a long time so i don't expect a reply but im really sorry for isolating myself again - something happened to me and i just shut myself out. the only person ive seen this past month is niall whos really been there for me. again, i'm really sorry. im going to the ball tomorrow and i dont expect you guys to want to come with me or anything or to let me tag along with you idk but i jus had to apologise.

Lav: omg beb im so glad ur okay :( but please go easy on urself. ur bpd makes u isolate urself as a way to cope w things, it isnt ur fault at all. u dont need to be sorry for needing space and time away - ilysm and ill see u tomorrow :') glad nialls been there for u!

heu there delilah: exactly bestie. we love and care abt u sm honestly dw abt it - see u tm !!! <333333

I was shocked at how well they took it but grateful - they really did care about me. I was so blessed to have them.

The next day I put on make up for the first time in a month and curled my hair before getting dressed into a black thin strapped dress which was silk and some black platform shoes. I added some jewellery before snapping some dumb photos.

@zahra295: what the fUCK bro

Yeah, i bought my public instagram back and enforced massive restrictions on who could interact with me. The media sussed out Harry and I broke up (I don't know how) and because I didn't have Twitter, I didn't get a mass amount of hate. Of course I had lots of Instagram followers but they couldn't say anything to me.

Arrow and Delilah picked me up in Arrows car and drove us to Uni. I was shit scared and had an awful anxiety attack on the way but Delilah (who had now come out as queer) helped me through it. I wanted to go home so badly but something in the back of my head kept me hopeful.

We walked into the building and immediately spotted Lavender and Elle who rushed to hug us all. I didn't like hugs anymore (I love how Delilah and I literally switched places) but I hugged then both anyway.
"I'm so glad you're here" Lavender whispered. They were wearing a pink suit whilst Elle was wearing a purple dress. It was really sweet honestly.

To be honest, it didn't go that badly. I danced with my friends (who were careful with how much alcohol I was served) and chattered to random people...i always stayed in my shell but talking to new people felt nice.
"So...when's your boyfriend arriving?" Yasmine asked me, causing my heart to stop.

Harry was meant to be here with me. He'd gotten a suit to match my dress and kept telling me he couldn't wait to dance with his beautiful girl and spend the whole evening with her. He gabbled on and on about wanting to take pictures of me as he knew I'd look stunning in my dress and i would blow everyone away because-

"Hey! I gotta steal Zahra!" Delilah pulled me away from Yasmine and her friends who looked puzzled. "You okay?"
"Uh I-i don't...i don't know. I might step outside for a bit"
"Okay, that's okay. See you in a bit bae"

I stood outside the building holding my cigarette, shivering as I did. It didn't feel right without him. But what could I do? I hadn't seen Giovanni all night so thank God for that but something was missing. I threw my cigarette down and sighed...why can't I be okay and make the right choices? Why do I act so impulsively without thinking?

Zahra, you have a personality disorder.

"Am I too late?" A familiar voice spoke and fear ran through my body before I looked up from my phone and saw..it was Harry. He was wearing the matching suit and looked beautiful as ever - the last time I saw him he hadn't shaved and his hair was a mess but today he'd cleaned up and even smelt divine. His poor knuckles were still bruised but nevertheless, he was here. I was shocked he'd come because I did break up with him and the last time he saw me he had to deal with my self harm.