Marvel Women Imagines

someone better | vent + hurt/comfort (n.r.)

tw - suicidal ideations, implied suicide attempt mentions etc, depression, self hate, self degradation - just really heavy and triggering themes

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The air was crisp, you could see your own breath which would've been amusing when you were a kid, but now it reminded you that you were alive. You didn't mind the cold, at least it gave you something to feel other than the lack of feelings, and numbness that had overtaken your body. On the rooftop you cold see thee cities skyline, you always thought it was beautiful and it gave you a nice place to reflect the awful thoughts that plagued your mind.

The city that never sleeps was the perfect place for a person who never sleeps. Watching as the lights shimmered below, all of the people down below and within the compound, yet you never felt more alone than you do right now. A bit ironic. Shakily taking a breath you decided to sit on the bench beside the edge of the building and let your thoughts consume you. There was no stopping it, you might as well have a place you could let your mind be free without interruptions, even if letting your mind run free was slowly killing you in the process.

The thought of death was always in the back of your mind, occasionally making its way to the front when you thought you had exhausted all your other coping mechanisms. Another irony, when you were younger you were always afraid of death. Afraid of dying, but now more than ever it was what you craved. Disappearing from life to never return, never having to face the pain and suffering of everyday.

It's not like anyone would miss you, or even notice or care that you were gone. That was it really, no one needed you. A hard thought to stomach, one that made your head spin, that made you fall deeper than you already were. They all had someone better, someone more important to them than you were. You were always just someone they could use to fill the time before someone better came along.

Every time you got attached to someone, you'd lose whatever friendship you had with them. A 'filler friend', you would call yourself. The one no one thought about unless they needed you or if they had no one else. Always a last resort. No one would truly miss you, they might say they do but a day later they'd go about life like normal and never think or say your name again. You knew these thoughts were irrational to an extent, there was some part of you that believed that what these thoughts were telling you was the truth. The truth others were afraid of telling you. The truth you had to tell yourself.

You had convinced yourself that all you do is break, burn and drain the life out of others. Always trying to be the person they needed, the person they wanted you to be regardless of your own feelings and pain. Which you obliged, learning from a young age that all you had was yourself, so your own problems and thoughts were yours to carry. Quickly learning to suppress emotions, faking smiles and a bubbly personality around others. No one needed to be burdened by you, your absence in life would be a blessing, even if no one else knew it yet they would realise not long after you'd left.

But that's the thing, everyone else in your past had left you. What made the team different? You were sure they would all leave in the end. It would be silly to think the avengers would remain until the end. What difference would it make if you decided to leave now? You were tired of trying to live. Trying to live to everyone's expectations of who you were and who you should be. You were the team's ray of sunshine. The one that gave them hope and always knew how to help them when they were feeling low, be it after a failed mission or the media talking badly about them. You never wanted anyone to feel the way you felt now, the way you had always felt. No one should carry that weight, only yourself.

Being the teams source of positivity and hope was exhausting. You were happy to carry their weight for them but you were getting tired and no one noticed how broken you had become. Slowly a shell of who you once were but you would never let them see. Never let them in enough for them to see how much pain you suppressed each day, they didn't need to see how much you would tear yourself apart just to be enough. Be enough for them, for a friendship you saw them have with each other.