Marvel Women Imagines

who you are | fluff + hurt/comfort (n.r.)

 Warnings: self hate, gender identity crisis, mentions of the want to harm oneself/self mutilation of body parts (not graphic or detailed but a brief mention during a breakdown). breakdown, self deprecation, self hate. depression probably. idk anything else pls let me know but it's a heavy topic for some.

AFAB!Agender!Reader

Vent fic - reader is 100% me :)

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Exhausting. That's the one word you've started associating with this process. Or was it a journey? You weren't quite sure, but all you know is that you wished it was easier. That you wished it wasn't so hard and difficult all the time. You couldn't remember the last time you didn't have a breakdown over seeing yourself in the mirror. One day you like what you see, the next you absolutely despise everything about it. You put on one outfit feeling great about it, the next minute you feel like everything is suffocating and tears are streaming down your face while you rip everything off your body.

You just couldn't understand what was going on, why you were feeling the way you were. It's why you started throwing yourself into more trainings, more missions. The more you distracted yourself, the less time you had to over analyse and process what these feelings were. Though the minute you collapsed on your bed the thoughts came flowing to the front of your mind. Everything you pushed back was suddenly bursting its way through the mental restraints you created, overwhelming you.

It felt like these feelings came out of nowhere but honestly the more you thought about it, the more you realised you might have been mistaking this gender identity crisis for a deep level of self hate. As a kid you were never overly feminine or masculine. You were known as a 'tomboy' since you weren't conventionally girly but you never thought much of it. Not until you found yourself standing in front of the mirror flattening your chest, standing side on and wishing you looked like that.

You were stuck. You didn't want to be perceived as a woman, but you didn't want to be perceived as a man. You enjoyed looking feminine and were definitely on the more feminine side most of the time. But you didn't enjoy it all the time. You didn't know how to get the outside to match how you feel on the inside.

Lately it has been getting harder. Trying to figure out where you fit in when you don't feel like you fit anywhere. None of your clothes seemed to feel right anymore and you didn't know how to fix it. You'd sit in meetings but you'd never listen, your mind constantly elsewhere. Natasha started to notice the change in your behaviour but she brushed it off considering she knew how much you had been working. She thought you were overworking yourself and took a mental note to confront you to take some time for yourself.

The only thing you tuned in to hear was Tony announcing yet another part the compound would be hosting. You internally groaned at the thought of a party. Having so many people around you, perceiving you. You wished you didn't have to attend but being part of the avengers meant you were expected to socialise. Getting ready for large events always makes you anxious. You knew how you were expected to dress and how you were going to be perceived. Some days you wished you could stop existing, that it would be easier than being perceived in the wrong way.

Taking a deep breath you slowly made your way back to your room, attempting to get ready for the evening. Showers in the dark so you wouldn't have to accidentally see yourself and spiral because there were aspects, characteristics you wish you didn't have. The feeling of an eventual breakdown was bubbling within your stomach but it wasn't something you hoped to have just yet.

Natasha was on her way to your room since the two of you would always arrive at events together. The two of you would stick together to make the parties tolerable. Getting drunk together, dancing together, completely clearing your minds and focusing on each other. Everyone knew the two of you were close but the pair were too oblivious of the feelings you and Natasha held for each other. But with your internal struggles any other thoughts or feelings were pushed right to the back not seeing an ounce of daylight. Neither of you were ready for that conversation. For now you were both happy with how close you were as friends. That was enough.