Beautiful things - jaylor story (peace book 4)

home and therapy

** saturday october 2th 2032**

-taylors pov-

My alarm goes off at 8am and I'm not too happy about it but I know I need to get up and get Ellie some breakfast in half an hour. We have a set schedule for when meals and snacks are to make it predictable, so I get dressed in something comfy and go to wake her.

"Ellie, its morning. Time to get up" I say and caress her face and kiss her forhead. "I will go downstairs to make breakfast. You have 30 minutes before its mealtime" I tell her, and she groans. "i'm tired" she whines but I chuckle and say that I am too, but we got to eat breakfast.

So I go downstairs and make oatmeal while she is getting dressed.

-ellies pov-

I crawl my way out of my queen-sized bed and into the bathroom where I have already laid my clothes out for the day, so I don't need to think about that in the morning. I don't feel good in any clothing so to not have to decide in the morning and try on ten different outfits we pick it out together in the evening and I'm not allowed to try different things, we pick it out and that's it.

There is so many rules and its exhausting. It seems like every single part of my previously more leeway life now has a rule. There is nothing that goes under my parent's radar either, they see everything, and it makes me feel suffocated.

On the inside I'm also in a lot of pain, it's just hard to deal with everything going on. Not to mention that my body is in actual pain. My stomach is killing me and I'm so bloated and constipated. Thankfully they put me on some kind of mild laxative yesterday so hopefully that will kick in soon because it hurts to move.

Looking in the mirror I don't like what I see. I have dry skin, my tummy is bloated as hell, my hair has grown thin, and I have all these thin hairs all over my body. I don't like any of that but I'm even more worried that people can say I've gained some weight, I've gained two whole kilos and that's disgusting. I feel sick to my stomach, and I'm convinced I can see the fat on my body already.

The stupid hospital won't even let me eat stuff that's low fat. At least they could let me eat low fat yogurt and low-fat milk, everyone does that so why not me? In our fridge there isn't a single low-fat thing anymore and its annoying. My mom has even gotten rid of her favorite ice-cream that she has been eating forever because it's a low-calorie ice-cream. It sucks that my whole family need to adjust because I have a stupid disorder that's ruining everyone's lives. Why can't they just understand that it was better when I was starving myself because at least then I wasn't a burden.

The mental and physical pain is getting too much and when I don't have food as a type of relief, I don't know what to do. I want to feel that type of pain. I want to be so starved that I can't think at all and feel like I'm going to pass out because at least then I wasn't feeling all the things I'm feeling now. I'm desperate to control some sort of pain and I just can't seem to talk about it either. I need to find some way to hurt myself, I will take anything at this point.

-taylors pov-

Ellie comes downstairs and we eat breakfast together. "it's easier to eat when Kenzie and aurora isn't her" she admits, and I sigh "yeah, I can see how that might be easier. Hopefully it will get better with time"

She seems really deflated today; I don't understand why. It might be because it's hard to be at home and adjusting to everything, but it might be something else.

"are you okay? You seem a little off?" I ask her gently as I eat my food "i'm fine. Just tired. It's a lot to be home when it's not like it used to be. I have all these rules now"