Beautiful things - jaylor story (peace book 4)

Reveling something hard

** Thursday september 6th 2035**

-ellies Pov- 

"so Elliana I heard from the message your mom left that there was a development recently" anna says after I sit down on her couch. 

"Yeah, Adam applied for parole and mom, and I have to give a statement" I say and look around her room. Not much have changed here over the years, there are still toys all around and pictures of kid's characters on the walls and drawings other patients have made, there is even a drawing I made for her years ago. 

TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDAL THOUGHT 

"How does that make you feel" she asks. I shrug "scared. Anxious. Wanting to dig myself a hole and burry myself. I don't want to be me anymore" 

I go to anna for therapy every other week and its always a struggle to come here. I know that it's supposed to help me, and it does, but it's just mentally draining to be here. When I'm here I have to deal with stuff I just wish I could forget and figure out healthy coping mechanisms, but the healthy ways are just more exhausting than leaning into the bad. 

"so you would say you're suicidal?" she says, and my eyes widen "no that's not what I meant. I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to feel it and I don't want to remember it. I want to be a teenager and not worry about all of that crap. I want to worry about ballet and grades, not if the person that kidnapped me is getting out of jail or not. That's not normal to deal with, and I hate that" 

That's probably the biggest thing to me about all of this, that my life is already abnormal because of my parents but this just heightens that. Adam took something from me that I can never get back, he took a big part of my childhood and my innocence. What he took from me is something I still struggle to live with, it's not something any child should have to deal with. No child should be scared to go to sleep because someone might come and take them again, and no child should have been in a situation where they wished they were dead so the pain would stop, I was six years old. 

"What are you thinking about Elliana'?" anna asks me and I can feel I was crying so I wipe away my tears "Nothing I'm fine" I say and shrug. 

"it's okay to tell me what's going on. You know I can't tell your parents unless you say I can" she says. I keep looking around the room and biting my lip trying to decide if I should say anything or not. "it's just... I went through something that no child should go through, but at the same time I have this feeling in the back of my mind saying that I deserved it and that's why it happened to me. His words about how bad of a person I am is engraved in my brain and messes with my mind. And then I think about how he made me want to die when I was only six years old. I wanted to die so the pain would end, but I didn't die. I wanted to die but also, I didn't want to, so there were conflicting thoughts in my head and its exhausting to deal with. And after we got out and we tried to get back to normal I remember crying myself to sleep every so often just begging the world to let me not wake up again, I didn't want to face the pain, I just wanted to die" I tell her honestly. 

There are some things I haven't really talked with anyone about because some things are hard to put into words. How do you tell your parents that you wished you were dead, how do you tell your parents that starving yourself was the thing that kept you from killing yourself. If I told them, I don't think they would understand because I don't understand it myself. What I know is what I remember, and sometimes it comes back. 

Sometimes I wish that I would have been killed all those years ago because that would mean I wouldn't be sitting here with all these memories and feelings now. What he did with me is so bad that there aren't really words to describe it. And now that I know what he did to my mom in that room it's even worse.