[GL] I tamed the female lead

Chapter 38- Astéria's POV

Anita started acting differently from usual lately. She wasn't as impulsive as before and would stare at me a lot as if waiting for something. My heart couldn't take all this attention and I thought I was going to have a heart attack every second. I loved her paying attention to me but I really had to keep my blushing in check. My breathing leaving my body at least wasn't visible and I could live with it but every time Anita saw my blushing face she would look at me as if I was a child. I hated her looking at me like that. I thought she liked weak and cute people but I really wanted her to depend on me now that I knew what her real type was. If she liked strong and charismatic people like Astéria then Orange needed to become like that too. I was having a competition against myself and wasn't winning.

I really wanted to be all calm and cool but she was just too cute. I couldn't hold it and would die every second she complimented me. I thought it would get better with time but I couldn't get used to it at all. I never reacted like that to anything else. Only her. I couldn't help it and feeling her stare at me more than usual wasn't helping. Now that I was thinking about it, Anita started behaving strangely around me after the ball. Just thinking about it I felt my cheeks grow red. I never saw her like that before. She herself seemed surprised about what she did and she apologized scared that I would be mad at her but that was the worst part. I could never be mad at her but her thinking that touching me was bad hurt me. I was touched that she cared about me that much and panicked at the thought of having made me uncomfortable but why did she have to apologize? She knew that I loved her touch. I never pushed her back. I really wanted to tell her to continue touching me but just thinking about those words, I felt my heart squeeze. I wasn't ready. I was so scared.

I tried my best to act as if nothing happened but I couldn't stop thinking about the incident. Every second I closed my eyes I could feel Anita on top of me touching my face all over. I was incredible at controlling myself usually but she was driving me crazy. This had been the worst torture I had ever gone through and I had had my share of torture in my previous life. But her laying on top of me, touching me all over and me not daring to move... That was something else. I couldn't touch her. She was still drunk so she couldn't consent to anything that was going on. Moreover she didn't have ulterior motives while climbing on top of me. She was acting a bit weird but she couldn't see me like that yet. Right? My heart almost jumped out just thinking about it. I really needed Anita to love me but was I ready? I would die if she confessed to me. I would literally drop dead. Even if I wanted to do something to her, my whole body froze anyway and I couldn't move an inch. Feeling her touch me, my whole body gave up work. Something that I have thought about so much was finally happening and all alert signals got turned on at the same time making my muscles go on strike.

"I wonder what it would feel like kissing them."

When she touched my lips I finally woke up and moved before realizing. What did she just say? Did she think about kissing me? I was only waiting for that. If only Anita wanted to kiss me I would die of happiness. I would make sure that she loves it. I needed to make sure that she would want much more. Fortunately the next second she apologized. She was drunk. I couldn't touch her. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. I had to leave because my heart couldn't take it anymore. She was just too cute but she apologized. She was scared that she hurt me but she still apologized. She thought she went too far so she didn't want to do more than this with me. I couldn't rush things because it was too early. I couldn't scare her. Never.

I was always too scared of taking the first step and always let Anita come to me herself knowing that she needed control but lately she stopped hugging me and I could feel my whole body crawling with discomfort. I was shaking like a drug addict. Scrap what I said I had never felt worse torture and I knew what I was talking about being tortured for decades during my first life. I would by far prefer to have a burning knife be plunged in my chest or have all my teeth pulled out. I needed to feel real pain. I couldn't hold it anymore. I needed something to distract me from this.