twisted // tyler seguin

forty six

Ryan slept the night over Alicia's so it was pretty awkward for me to pull up and sit out in unwanted territory for a couple of minutes. His hair was in wild curls all over the place and he had a pair of sweatpants on, a shirt and sandals. I wish I knew what went on in the kid's mind.

We decided to go to a creek by our old high school, a scenic place that was hidden behind trees and hills. A bunch of teens usually came down here on the weekends, for underage drinking and typical shenanigans. I know, because I was one of them.

We settled in a spot by the small river, where tons of little fish swam around and the water made a beautiful, atmospheric sound. If only I felt as beautiful as the area I was in.

Ryan was next to me smoking like the typical pothead he was, and this time I didn't take any when he offered. He took that as a sign that we were here for something serious, and not some type of raunchy rendezvous.

"Ryan, we need to talk. About last night." I said. My eyes stayed on the flow of the river and my ears focused to find the stable sound of the cicadas. "I said some things that I'd like to take back."

He exhaled a puff of fumes before looking at me. "And what's that? That you loved me?" A deep cough came from this throat. "'Cause I don't think it was a lie."

I scoffed. "Yeah well, it was. I was intoxicated. I was saying the first thing that came to my head, so I would appreciate it if you-"

"You're saying this because Tyler said something, aren't you?" He interrupted. "He probably saw that hickey and flipped out on you to make you feel bad, because of his insecurity. So now you're here, forcing yourself to say that you don't love me, when me and you both know that it's a lie. You love me, Savannah. And Tyler is just mad because he can't compare to me." Ryan took a hit of his blunt and exhaled the smoke out of his nose. "Typical."

My stomach became heavy with anger and a sense of uneasiness. "Ryan, you may think that you know me like the back of your hand. And you actually might, since we spent so much time together. But I'm going to tell you now, don't insult Tyler. He made me feel better about myself. He made me feel worthwhile. He sacrificed so much for me, when he didn't have to. And because of that, I appreciate him. You don't have to get mad because I'm actually beginning to move on."

Ryan turned his head towards me, his green eyes giving off the feeling of a cold monolith standing tall upon a hill of grass. "Are you saying this for yourself, or for me? I know what I know Savannah, and I know you. I know you better than your own parents. That's why they couldn't stand us, me especially. We did things that no one else could understand, things that frustrated them to an astronomical level. To the point where your mom would scream-"

"No, Ryan, she didn't." I cried out. "She did the things she did because I wasn't benefiting myself like I could have. I was stripping myself raw, into some slab of meat that was being tenderized by everyone's contradicting expectations towards me. You always wanted me to do something crazy, like skip school, sneak out of the house at 3am, sneak you into my house at 3am, fuck in your parents bed while they were downstairs, hell, we even fucked here one night during a football game didn't we?

"We were some fucked up kids doing fucked up things because we had nothing to lose. This is why I am the way I am now- bitter, crazy, and paranoid. I live with these things, these antics we always pulled and I'm constantly looking for thrill in my life. I'm a borderline deadbeat twenty year old, who has a part time job and dropped out of college. Where's the thrill in that? I look out of the window, fantasizing about all the trouble we got into in our teenage years, and boy is it nothing compared to the trouble I'm in now." I ran a hand through my brown waves, feeling the burning sensation behind my eyes. I managed to find a way to stand up in the middle of me talking.