twisted // tyler seguin

eighty one

We never talked about it later. 

When I returned to Steve's, there was nothing from Tyler the rest of the evening. No text message, no call, nothing. Something in the way he walked up the steps told me to expect silence.

What I didn't expect was the text I did not receive until the next morning- a paragraph from Tyler sent at exactly 3:33 A.M:

Hey, this isn't going to be easy. I don't want to say much because I know if I do it will be too painful. I am in love with you Savannah, but I can't do this anymore. You are hurting me. I don't know how else to say it to make you understand. I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST FUCKING YEAR. No one has compared to you. You can't see this and I can't force you to. I'm convinced another man will have to show you that you are worth it. I love you, but I'm learning there is love in letting you go.

Who were we? What did we become? 

I never answered. I couldn't find one. I searched for an answer for days. Those days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Months turned into a year. 

It hit me that it was a year when I found myself in the backyard of Julia and Brandon Pero's new house, celebrating one year of their marriage. The yard was covered in white lilies and peonies (a hobby of Brandon's), white tables and chairs. White. Union. Purity. My sister was always thematic. Always organizing, planning, imagining. It provided structure that I never had. When she first invited me to see their newlywed house, the first thing she showed me was her garden. 

"Brandon and I decided that we were going to plant a bunch of white flowers; lilies, peonies. Easy flowers." The Dallas sun highlighted the newlywed glow in her face. 

"Why white?" I asked. "It's about to be spring soon, why not get some roses and sunflowers. Sunflowers are pretty."

"You are correct sister." Julia turned to me and shielded her eyes from the burning sun. "But when you think of the color white, what feelings do you get?"

I paused for a moment. "Purity. Milk."

Julia laughed out loud. "I agree with one of those words."

"Milk?" I joked.

-

As the weeks made months, and the months made a year, things changed since Julia and Brandon tied the knot. Drastically. 

I returned to Steve's house after the traumatic, short-lasting brunch Tyler and I had. Staring at his front door, a tear fell. This familiar, heavy feeling came upon me. The same feeling I felt in high school, sneaking in at 2 A.M. on a Tuesday morning. The same, painful realization that this world never stops no matter what. That it will keep spinning. Endlessly. That you have to keep going. My problem was that I never knew how. I banged on Steve's door, sobbing. He ran to open it, and before I knew it, I was squatting on the ground, still sobbing.

"Savannah? What the fuck!" I knew he was high; I could smell the strong aroma permeating through his hoodie. 

"Is everything okay?" I heard a voice from the living room.

"Fuck no, she's on the ground sobbing. She's having one of those fuckin' episodes again." He grabbed my face and looked at me. "What the fuck is the problem Savannah?"

"I'm a fucking failure." I choked out. "I'm a fucking failure, bumming at your fucking house."

"Savannah, what a-?"

"Bumming at your fucking house because I ran away. From someone who loved me because I was blind. I'm a fucking terrible human, Steve. I'm nothing but a leech, the same one I was from high school." There was a pause of silence. Aqua Teen Hunger Force shouted out an out of context punchline from the living room TV.