Sidemen Imagines

You Can't Tell Anyone (35)

"Is it morning?" Josh croaked. You stepped into his room, your feet resting nicely on his cream carpet.

"Not exactly. You took a drunk nap and I'm guessing just woken up?" You said with a slightly excited rise in your tone.

"Literally before you walked through the door" he grumbled tiredly although a hoarse laugh echoed in his small room.

"You do remember what happened this morning though right?" You asked, the sudden realisation that he might've drank away his memory.

"What that my girlfriend is a lying cheating whore bag?" He rubbed his eyes before sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge.

"Yeah. Sorry about that" you mumbled awkwardly, sitting down beside him, hearing the springs squeak and crack. Just like they used to.

"Don't be it's not your fault" he smiled sadly. A somber look on his face. You didn't quite know if this was the right time to tell him that you'd be moving back in with Harry, you didn't even know if you did want to move back in. You just said yes because you thought you wanted to. And because you thought it was right. You looked up to see his puffy eyes staring straight ahead of him, his bottoms lip sucked into his mouth, bearing down on it gently with his teeth. You opened your mouth to begin telling your news but you barely got a squeak out before Josh whipped his head around and started talking,

"Y/N I think we need to talk" he said quickly, placing a hand on your knee and staring into your eyes with a deep look. His eyes were bloodshot and tired. You had no idea how much Josh had drank from that vodka bottle but it must've been a lot.

Your mouth opened and closed, unsure about how to answer as well as being caught off guard, it was such a loaded question and it was pretty late at night, you weren't ready for this, not now.

"O-okay" you stuttered out as best as you could.

"I think I know why Joe was there today. And not just because JJ wanted to film" he began, you sighed, you thought you'd been pretty sneaky with everything, kept everything under wraps but apparently not.

"You warned me didn't you. You never hurt Melissa. I should've listened to you, I should always listen to you. You're always right and you always know how to keep me in line. Keep me sane" a dark laugh came from his lips as he looked down at his hand which had made its way into yours. Rubbing soft circles on the back of your hand.

"Y/N I can't believe I've been so fucking stupid" he let out a painful laugh that seemed more like an attempt at trying not to cry, his words coming out as a whisper.

You watched him hang his head low, biting his lip and concentrating on your hand. You thought about what he was trying to say, how his actions have lead you to believe that he had come to his senses and he's realised what he's done to you and your baby.

Then you thought about what Simon said. How when Josh gets over a break up, his first instinct is to latch onto the first female he sees. You remembered seeing Melissa's face at the party, her hands roaming Josh's body. You remembered when you first got into your relationship with Josh and he mentioned that he had only broken up with his previous girlfriend, Freya, a week before he found you. He was right.

"I can't believe I threw you away for her... I can't believe I threw you away in the first place. Y/N I want to try again" you looked directly at him, staring into his eyes as he avoided yours. After some silence he managed to gain the confidence, looking up and making eye contact. Your mind had gone blank.

You didn't know whether this was real or whether he was doing his usual break up routine. Whether you were the first female he saw and decided to latch onto. In all honesty you did want him. You wanted him so badly it was taking everything in you no to grab his face and smash it against yours. But you couldn't shake the fact that this might not can be what Josh wants. Just what he thinks he needs right now.

You wanted to say yes, you wanted to be with him, but you thought about how rejection might be what he needs right now. He needs to figure himself out before he can figure anything else out. You didn't want to be the first one he saw. You wares to be the only one he saw. And until you were sure you needed to put things on hold. You don't know why your brain decided to say it instead of saying something a little more sensitive, but it did and it happened before you could register it. It slipped out, it shocked you both. You looked into his eyes and blurted out the one thing you should've been more cautious with explaining,

"I'm moving back in with Harry"

Josh looked broken. The worlds leaving your lips had put him in a complete trance on your eyes. He hasn't blinked or talked in a while. You didn't even know if he was breathing. You moved your head and furrowed your eyebrows, suddenly becoming worried until Josh suddenly took a sharp intake of breath and slowly let it out. Taking you by surprise.

"Are you mad?" You asked quietly. Afraid of the answer. He looked back up at you and smiled sadly before shaking his head, no.

"When do you go back?" He asked. Now it was his turn to be afraid of your answer.

"Tomorrow" you mouthed. You didn't have the heart to say it out loud. He nodded understandingly before signing yet again. Then he did something you weren't expecting, he swivelled his body and hugged you, pulling you close in his arms, so close you could feel his heartbeat on your cheek.

It pained you to leave but you knew t was best for you both.