Sidemen Imagines

Torn

The worst part about death, is probably the shock. Probably that uncomfortable moment of process where the news goes into your head.

For me the worst part was the surprise of it all. I was sat there in my living room of my brand new house with the love of my life to my right and an old school friend I was catching up with on my left. I saw I had a missed call from my dad.

We hadn't spoken much and our relationship had always been broken since he left my mum for another woman. He became emotionally abusive towards me and my older brother. I had cut contact with him for 5 years, even while mum was sick. The only reason I spoke to him again was because I attempted suicide and was put into his care.

Even then him and his now wife abused me, bullied me, made my mental health problems seem non existent but still forced me to go on medicine to fix it.

I phoned him back despite being busy with my friend. I wouldn't usually ring him but something in me made me. After exchanging pleasantries, he says he's sorry to hear about what happened. A million and one thoughts race through my head. I ask what he meant and he said that around the town where I grew up, there are rumours going around that my grandad has died.

My grandad has been ill for a while, a couple of years actually. He's had a few strokes and his health has deteriorated quite quickly. But I didn't think he was dead, I spoke tinny Grannie and grandad last night. And more importantly, wouldn't I have been told?

I phone my Grannie with my heart in my knees right about now, ready for it to break. I ask how grandad is and she gets awkward and uncomfortable. Asks why I'm asking and I explain that dad told me about rumours. My grandad died last night, 2 hours after I had a phone call with him.

I was always close with my grandad, I was always grandads girl, his little sweetheart. And to me I still feel like he's here, he's waiting in his chair for me to come in and hug him. I still feel like he's falling asleep in his chair but making sure not to go too deeply incase my Grannie needs him.

Grandad was always there for me, he held me and told me it would be okay when mum got diagnosed. He came and rescued me during a panic attack when I was home alone. The man climbed a ladder to a third floor and climbed through and very small window at 86 years old because the door to the room I was in had gotten jammed.

I fucking loved that man and I've hated the thought that he's been in pain. He was more of a father to me than my actual dad has ever been and he cried when the ambulance came to take me away because all he wanted was for me to get better.

This time it was me crying because all I wanted was for him to get better but now it's impossible. I had to phone my brother whose holidaying with his girlfriends family and tell him because I knew my grandmother wouldn't, she's always tried to protect us and didn't want to tell us until she knew we weren't alone.

This news has hit me hard and honestly it feels worse than when my mum passed. With mum I knew it was coming, I knew she was getting worse and I had already learnt it was terminal, I had come to terms with the fact that she wasn't going to be around for much longer and when she passed, I coped with it better than I thought I would. But this was so sudden and so surreal that I keep bursting into tears at any given moment.

But at least o have the knowledge that the last thing he heard about me was that I was happy and doing well in my new life.

I wanted to write this while it was still fresh in my mind because getting these feelings out makes me feel better. The reason I chose this app was because I feel like a lot of people can read this and know they're not alone when they lose a loved one. I know their pain and I know how they're feeling. I wrote this to help those people know that suffering is okay. Because lord knows I'm suffering but lord knows I'll be okay.

Eyes down looking eh grandad?