Something I Can't Have (Seme Male Reader x Kakashi) {Naruto Shippuden}

chapter 40

reader pov

shit. i was indulging in this. i really was. savoring it till i had to push him away, even though i really truly didn't want to. i pushed him away. "i...i cant do this. i cant do us, juugo. it just doesn't feel right any more," i sighed. "you dont believe that," he grunted before kissing me again. i pushed him away. "im not coming between you and your wife. you love her. im just a passing fling," i said. he gripped my face with both hands, making me look him in the eye.

"im sorry. im soooo sorry for not telling you i was married. i just....i wanted to make sure this was a sure thing and i knew that you would run if i told you. i was already in the middle of a divorce with her because we were already growing apart for years. i want to marry you. i want to spend the rest of my life getting old and decrepit with you, john. i love you. i had fallen in and out of love for decades and i know a sure thing when i see it. i wanted her gone and out of my life before i said 'i do'. she just showed up, knowing that i didn't tell you, and wants to ruin us. i want this sooo much more than you know. can you forgive me?" he said, placing his lips against mine a 3rd time. i could feel the kiss growing more and more desperate.

i broke away. "i have nothing on 17 years of marriage. who is to say that 17 years from now, you wont do the same to me? ive already forgiven you, juugo. i just cant bring myself to forgive myself for actually helping you divorce your wife. i want you to go and find her and work things out. after 17 years, she still wants to be with you. i think that is much more worth your time than some young guy who doesn't even know where he is going in life. i...i think i just wanted you cause i couldn't have you. like i knew in the back of my mind that you were too perfect. to perfect in my naïve mind to actually be mines. seeing that beautiful orange haired woman who called you husband and birthed you three kids is much more worth it," shit. they were streaming again. i didn't want to believe the words that were coming out my mouth but i know this is for the best. i cant have juugo. i cant. i simply cant be happy knowing that he divorce his wife of 17 years to be with me. i think 17 years is something worth salvaging. i could see him starting to tear up too.

"that's...that's the thing. that right there is why i love you. you are much more put together than you think. you are modest and caring and smart and funny and fucking adorable when you fall asleep on the sofa and keep feeling around for me. i never had anything like that with her. all i did was take care of her but with you, i actually felt like i was being taken care of. i want to take care of you and you can take care of me. just....come back to me. we can get through this together. i need you in my bed with your arm around me when i wake up and go to sleep. i cant live without you. just come back. we can leave it all. get a new house. transfer your school and get married. i want this. me and you. not some raggedy old broken relationship that would have imploded soon enough. we can go back home, have some make up sex, and cuddle like we used too. just come home with me, john. even if that's all you will do, just come home with me. i cant stand being in a place knowing that you aren't there," he kissed me. i could feel those butterflies in my stomach again. i pushed him away. "juugo, i cant. im not gonna put myself through this knowing that i ruined so-" "would you stop already with the self-righteous bull shit, john! all you are doing is trying to convince yourself that what we are is wrong but its not. i know what i want and you know what you want. who cares what other people say! who cares how things were in the past. i want to build a future with you. now you are gonna come home with me and im gonna ride you soooooo fucking hard, you wont remember your name, let alone anything about our breakup," he started yanking me out the bathroom.

i roll my wrist out his grip. "no! i was brought up a morally correct person. i was brought up better than that. i was taught not to settle for something that someone already has. im not susposed to settle for someone who merely sees me as a better option. a second chance to correct his mistakes of the past. 'i fucked up. maybe this time, i can do better'. im not that type of guy. this just wasn't meant to be, juugo. we had a good run but its over," i started past him but he gripped my shoulders, tears flowing down his face. "dont you think i know that? im just trying to do what is right for me. just like i want her to do! we have spent the last 4 years hardly able to look each other in the eye. my marriage is over, john. finished. its been that way for a long time. i had thought it was the end until i laid eyes on you that night at the bar. my entire body screamed that you were the one. you were my one and only chance to achieve happiness! i cant fucking live without you, john. i know that all the time we spent together means billions of times more to me than the 17 years of hell with her. i want you and i know you want me too so just stop. stop pushing me away and love me!! cause i cant go on living without seeing you every single day for the rest of my life!!" he smashed his lips against mine, desperate to rekindle what we had but i had had it. ive made up my mind. no matter how long it takes, ill get over my feelings for him. i pushed him away. "i just cant. i care to much about me to let myself love a man who only wants me as a second chance. it will take me a while but ill get over you and i hope you do too. goodbye, juugo. ill miss you but i know that this is the best move for me," i turned and walked out, juugo's screams all i can hear.