Turn It Up

A Broken Girl From California

Well well well, this has been an eventful week now hasn't it? First off we had the Wrestlemania week stress from all corners, which in of itself was too much for most normal humans to even bear. Then we had to deal with the stress of whether or not April was going to freak out and not even show up to Wrestlemania, then this horrific accident that may rob somebody of their life.. How the hell do you go to work the next day and be totally fine with life? How the hell do you even wake up the next morning and NOT just go, 'Eh, not today' and go back to bed.. Well Fergal was operating like a machine now, he did not feel many things, he had to turn the emotional section of his brain almost off entirely for if he acknowledged his feelings? He would break down. As for Pam, she had an amazing support system surrounding her, Pam had not only Ashley, but Fergal, Matt, April, Leah and practically everybody else. For Pam was so loved by so many different people that they would absolutely not stand idle and let her slip slowly into this depressed state. Working out was the only way that Fergal felt things right now, Pam understood how he handled such a traumatic experience, she did of course offer some help to the man, but he continued to alienate himself from reality. Reality right now was just too dark and dangerous for him to just traverse freely, he needed to get away from it and the only way he knew how was to not believe it. He couldn't just sit there and believe that what he saw, the damage that someone inflicted unto Shinsuke, Lexi, and Rebecca was true. They had to be okay, I mean how could they not be? The first time he realized that Lexi couldn't even breathe on her own would be the first time he would mentally break down. Fergal cared so much for his friends that it almost defeated him in a way that he can't mentally recover from. Perhaps Fergal was suffering from a serious, crippling depression that he just hadn't addressed before. Perhaps that is why he does the things he does, it also could explain why whenever him and Pam get into fights he ultimately folds under pressure and allows her to 'win'. Fergal perhaps just.. Needed serious, professional help. He wasn't self harming, at least not now. But that isn't to say he hasn't considered it.. Because he has. Fergal has had the thought of dragging something rather sharp across his thick forearm and watching the blood hit the ground.. He never spoke of these thoughts, it would worry too many people. And honestly this isn't a new thing.. He always has had these thoughts, Fergal was an introvert, so speaking of his emotions like this? Especially these? Was just not going to happen.

"Ferg, I'm gonna make a pot of coffee before we head out, okay? Do you need anything?" Pam offered in a quiet voice, she was definitely trying to reach out to him by using baby steps. A solid jump would probably startle him and scare him away from any potential 'letting her in' that could happen. Fergal shrugged, "No I'm okay, honestly." His voice sounded like it was drained, drained of all happiness and drained of all energy. Pam leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips, holding him by his chin, "I love you." She smiled softly. This actually, surprisingly more like, made Fergal smile back, "I love you too Pam." She knew he was in pain, they have been together long enough for her to know that he was absolutely in pain.. Pam left the bedroom and walked into his kitchen, starting up a pot of coffee.. This all couldn't have happened at a worse time, they JUST GOT ENGAGED two days before right now.. And.. They can't even happily discuss moving in together, the world just wouldn't allow happiness to last for all that long, because god forbid if you actually get to enjoy your small window of time on this earth.. Typical..

Fergal sat in bed and just stared down, he closed his eyes and was met with all the wrong things he has done in his life. From his childhood, all the way to Pam's first meltdown when she was jealous over a friend. It was all hitting him like a truck and he was struggling to hold himself together. No matter how many times she told him that it wasn't his fault, Fergal always felt as if it was his fault, rather it was exclusively his fault.. He felt his heart tighten, as if someone had it in their hands and all they were doing was squeezing, not quickly.. But a slow, draining squeeze just to make sure all the blood had been removed from the vessel. His brain felt pressure, he felt as if there were heavy chains wrapped around his head and they were also tightening, he could almost feel the icy cold steel on his head if he thought about it too long. He convinced himself then and there that this was all his fault, Pam's insecurity, her doubt, her fear, her pain.. It was his fault, he was the one who caused all of this primarily not even to his knowledge. Fergal struggled to maintain his sanity, he felt like he was losing the battle with his own thoughts and feelings, his emotions peaked so high with utter happiness.. He was engaged to the woman he loved, he was healthy, she was healthy.. Everything should be fine, right? Wrong. Because no more than two seconds later his emotions plummeted down so far he didn't even recognize the place in which they went. This was a dangerous cycle for him to handle all on his own, it was more dangerous due to the fact that nobody really knew what was happening with him. Pam's insecurity almost split them up, and it was really goddamn close to doing so, but what about Fergal? What about his mental stability? Was nobody concerned with that? Almost on a bad timer, Pam walked back in and saw Fergal, his face was rather pale, more so than when she left.. She could visibly see he was in trouble. She quickly set the mugs down on the end table and walked carefully, slowly over to him.. No sudden movements, she didn't want to startle him. "Hey.. Fergal, baby boy, what happened? Are you okay? You look like you're going to pass out.." Pam wrapped her bare arm around him, she had on a string strap tank top, Fergal's apartment was incredibly warm right now and she needed to remain cool. She rubbed his arm softly up and down while whispering, "Everything is going to be okay Fergal, I promise.." Fergal shook his head, "I am literally to blame for.. Actually everything. Ever since day one of us being together I've caused nothing but harm and left a decrepit trail behind me.. Why have I never seen this.." Pam was completely caught off guard with the severity in which Fergal spoke, holy shit.

"What.. What is that supposed to mean?" Pam whispered to him as he remained motionless, his breathing was calm, eerily calm and she didn't much like it. Fergal shook his head, "Nevermind Pam.." She gently put her hand under his chin and moved his face so it was in clear sight, "What did that mean, Fergal. Talk to me. This is why you're so messed up right now, you think that nobody cares and then you just, shutter away into this shell of a man that I don't even recognize.. Talk to me. Please." She said that with as much love as she possibly could, it wasn't something she wanted to say to him, at least not now, but he was pushing her away and she absolutely hated the idea of Fergal, dying in the dark due to his emotions all alone.. Fergal closed his eyes, "All of this, is my fault.. Pamela. Why can't you just see that?" Pam was confused, she didn't know specifically what he was talking about, she furrowed her eyebrows and swallowed hard. Fergal got the hint that she didn't particularly understand what he was talking about. He took the initiative, inhaling deeply and preparing a speech that he was not.. Ready to actually give..

"Literally since the day we met, I've done everything wrong as it pertains to our friends, and us. I have drug you through mud and dirt and just infected you with this mindset of you not being good enough.. You felt like you were behind people like Lexi, and Rebecca.. I just. It is my fault, I put that in your head, just being me I put that into your head. Why can't you see that? Why can't you realize that I am really no good? This idea that I'm something different is horse shit. I don't think of myself, right now? Any better than the guys before me who beat the shit out of someone as beautiful as you. I don't know how they intentionally did it, but I unintentionally did it and I don't even know what's worse! You practically passed out at work due to stress just from something I did, you focused too much on us and more so me, and got yourself injured. For God's sake Pam, look at what I do for you, NOTHING! I can't take this anymore, I can't take the fact that I'm literally no good for you, or anyone else in my life. No matter what I do, I inflict irreparable damage onto everyone in my path.. I'm dangerous, Pam.. I don't deserve you.." Fergal's speech not only stung Pam, but it cut a hole into her heart. She thought of her insecurity over their friends as childish, but apparently it had such a stranglehold on their relationship that it literally was driving Fergal to the point on insanity. She was speechless, there were no words that came to mind that would even BEGIN to make sense to her. She hated this, this made her feel like complete shit. Which was nothing new, every time Fergal talked like this she felt like shit. "You didn't do anything wrong.. Sure, I don't like you being so close with other girls and having them be such huge staples in your life.. But that's just because I'm a woman who's in love with a man.. I'm a woman who cares for something more than she ever has before. I'm a woman who would not only be lost without you, but rendered incomplete without you. Don't you get it Fergal? If I were to lose you today; I don't think I would be able to wrestle anymore. If I were to lose you I would literally need therapy because someone ripped my still beating heart right out of my body. You made me strong, you actually make me stronger, and a better person that I was before I met you. I can't praise you enough for your hard work in making sure that this broken girl from California gets to where she needs to go, and get there alive.." Pam's words resonated with Fergal, it didn't do much to alleviate the stress and pain from his body, but they were appreciated. "Well if that's truly the case, then why can I not ever make you feel valued.. Why can't I make you get over these thoughts of them, why can't I do these things if my words carry so much weight, and I mean so much, I mean for god's sake, you're threatened by April. Who I literally am JUST FRIENDS WITH.. We hardly ever speak and yet you still have so much fear in your heart.. Why.. Why am I just, so bad.."

Fergal's question was genuine, and legitimate. It was confusing to him internally and externally as to why she was like this even though he allegedly meant the world to her. "Well.." Pam began, this actually had Fergal's attention now, and he was exceptionally curious as to what she was going to say. "Well what, Pam.." Pam felt like no matter what she would say here, it would not matter. But, nevertheless, she had to come up with something, some reason for why nobody walking the planet can make her feel better about her insecurity. Literally, from Lexi to Rebecca, even getting into better standings with them didn't help her pain and dark thoughts.. What on earth WAS she going to say here? What would he accept? She didn't know if this was the right thing to say, but this is all she had, Pam hung her head low, and spoke quiet.. "Honestly? Like I said.. You signed up to date and, well, now marry.. A broken girl from California.."