Turn It Up

Wish Upon A Star

When you are a child, adults tell you to be kind to one another.. To treat others as you would like to be treated. It's a cute little saying to live your life by, it really is a crying shame that practically nobody follows along with it. Another thing you are told to do is to wish, wish and hope. Hope is what you have when all else is lost.. But what happens when hope dies? What are you then? A lost soul crying out for help, but you make no sound. What does one do when you are so desperate for help, but you are all alone in this world. When you lose everything that makes you an individual; are you even you anymore? Fergal was coming to a deadly conclusion that would either make or potentially break his relationship. There was a sinking cold feeling that settled at the base of his heart and manifested itself there. He thought long and hard about this, not wanting to really make the choice.. But at the end of the day how could he not. His relationship was getting worse and more awkward by each passing day. And since Pam's photo shoot? They haven't seen each other in over a week and a few days now. During this period, texting was scarce, calling was almost a never. It was like they weren't even together anymore. Fergal felt alone, he didn't want to make a fool of himself but he also knew that if he was not the one who talked to Pam first; then nobody would ever take the first step. Fergal decided on something whilst sitting on his hotel bed, all alone. But he was a man, a man with at least some of his pride left in him. It was about the only feeling left inside him at this point. He texted Pam, 'Hurry back. We need to talk.' And tossed his phone to the side. Fergal was not entirely sure how this was going to play out with her, due to Pam's decreased mental stability, as well as his own, predictions of anything were almost impossible to make. His anxiety began to climb as his hands slowly shook, he sat up and looked towards the door.. Just waiting for her to burst in with that classic Pam nervous look on her face.. Where they were as a couple right now was such a far cry from where they have been, the love and tender affection that once blanketed them was all but gone at this point. The scary thing to him, was that it didn't appear to bother her on the surface, but then again Fergal has been wrong with assumptions before. After all, 'Assuming makes an Ass out of U and Me' the classic joke to people to sway them from assuming things that may lead to you getting in trouble. Funny.

Pam checked her phone and saw he texted her that, she knew something was up and honestly began to think that the end of their relationship was imminent. Being outside, the wind blew her hair around as her eyes began to lightly tear up. She realized how much of a fuck up she really was and now began to take blame for everything. Mercedes' downfall, Alexis wanting nothing to do with either of them anymore.. It was such a shitty thing to think, but who was going to tell her otherwise at this stage in the game. Her entire world went gray, her perspective of life was.. Meh. It was indifferent, if things ended with her, not them.. As in her life. Pam's brain was drifting, she thought to herself that if she just didn't exist anymore, then none of this would have happened. Fergal would be happy with some other woman or perhaps happy by himself.. Pam got into her car and softly sobbed in the driver's seat. After regaining.. Some composure after several minutes she began to drive off, back to the hotel, and to see what Fergal wanted to tell her. She felt like she was walking straight into hell. But this time there was no knight in shining armor to save her from her eternal peril, she was set to burn and wither away into dust, she realized how much she needed him. Her dependency made manifest as this could be the end..

Fergal got a text but it was not from Pam. Instead, Matt texted him and was stupidly concerned for his Irish friend. 'Hey buddy. It's Matt obviously. Haven't heard from you in what feels like years. How are you doing? Lex has been upset about something for like two weeks now but she doesn't wanna shed light on it. Do you know what happened man? Sorry if I'm slamming you with questions. Just worried that we're all drifting, y'know?' Fergal shook his head, Matt was so clueless it was actually amazing in a good way. Fergal grew envious that he didn't know all that was going on right now. He texted him back and due to Fergal's current mental state, did not care about telling the truth. 'What happened was Pam and Lexi got into a little quarrel, nothing bad. But at the end Lexi decided to distance herself from me, and Pam. Pam felt insecure and threatened by Lex, and Lexi being Lexi, figured it out. So she decided that leaving was the best idea. I protested it, but it's.. Been two weeks? Jesus Christ. I didn't even know. But, that's what happened.' Fergal having relived the entire two weeks in his head after he hit send felt significantly older than before, it was a long two weeks. A long fight, a long disagreement, which saw the pausing of his friendship with Alexis. The hardest part was losing someone you care about due to a problem you cannot fix. Pam's insecurity was one of the most important things for Fergal to fix, and with his repeated failure, he felt so self conscious about his own self, the entire makeup of his person felt wrong, he couldn't help the one person in the world that he said.. That he swore that he would do anything for, and would protect. But here we are. Matt texted back several minutes later. 'Are you doing okay? Cause if you're doing just as bad as Lexi is, than I say we need to go grab a cold one soon. What can I do, buddy..?' Matt was such a genuine guy it was great to have a friend like him. Fergal hated going out to people for help, that's typically why people like Rami, Kevin, Joe, were all kept in the dark about his bad thoughts. It was until someone actually reached out to him did he ever express how he truly felt about things. 'Sounds good. And how am I doing? I could lie, but I won't. I am doing horribly. I'm sorry Lexi isn't doing well, tell her if you can, that I hope she feels better sooner rather than later.' Fergal tossed his phone away now and waited for Pam, she had to be close.. And his detective skills proved to be right, she burst through the door..

She looked petrified, but what at? "Pam.. Are you okay? Why are you crying." Fergal stood up and walked over to her, hugging her lightly.. Poor girl.. Her entire body shook violently in his arms, when as soon as she felt him embrace her, the tears flowed and flowed fast. "Whoa.. Holy shit what happened?!" He rubbed her back gently as she continued to sob. It was the fear of what he wanted to talk about, she was unable to get the words out right now but that is indeed is what it was. Pam felt like a flower that was losing all of its petals, they were slowly being ripped off of her and making her something that she never ever thought that she would turn into. Her body felt hot to touch, "Do you want to sit down?" Fergal offered the edge of the bed for her and she nodded. Slowly they both made their way to the bed and sat down carefully. Pam's crying slowly grinded to a halt, but she was no more mentally prepared for this to happen than she was before she walked through the door. She was so scared about what he was going to say to her. It was driving her crazy.. What did he want to talk about.. What did he want to say that was so important that he couldn't wait for her to get back to bring it up.. "Are you feeling better?" Fergal asked just as kindly as he possibly could. "Yea.. I mean no, but yea.. What did.. What did you need to say to me.." Pam was not wanting to wait anymore, if she did, she'd lose hair from being stressed out.

Fergal looked down, "First, why are you crying. What happened.. Did someone say something to you that I should know about?" Fergal was still defensive towards her, even though their relationship felt like it was crumbling to pieces in his hands. Pam shook her head, "I just realized how much of a fuck up I really am. I basically.. In a nutshell. Ruined Mercedes and Colby's relationship, I drove her straight into you. I made Colby go batshit insane. One of our best friends I made lose his mind because of how careless I am with myself.. I don't even know if he caught feelings, but I feel like he may have. I made Mercedes throw herself at you, again I drove her right into you.. So she's gone too now. And Lexi? One of our best friends, and possibly your best friend who's a girl? I.. Me, Pam, Bayley, idiot.. Managed to make her SO uncomfortable that I drove her away from us. Not to mention the immeasurable amount of damage I've caused in this relationship that I cherish more than life itself.. Every aspect of our life I have to bitch about and I can't put my own crap aside for the better of us.. I feel like I'm going to lose you. I feel like I've lost.. And guess what Ferg? It's all my fucking fault.. I'm breaking down.. Breaking down to little pieces, I don't even feel like myself anymore. I go from being overjoyed with life to hating the fact that my lungs still work. Just, before you break up with me.. Know I'm so sorry I ruined things like that for you, I'm going to individually apologize to each person whose life I've personally ruined.. Starting with the most important person in mine.. You.. So, I'm sorry.." Pam's blame taking confession was shocking to Fergal, he didn't want this. He didn't want her to take the credit for all of these things falling apart and managing to get to the brink of apocalypse between them. He shook his head, "Pam I was.. I was going to talk about us. I wanted to talk about what we are going to do from here to better both of us.. I didn't know what that meant, a break? A break up? A resolution? I didn't know, and I still don't know what will work right now. But taking blame for everything like it really is your fault is just insanity. You cannot, CANNOT take all of it. I actually refuse to let you. Mercedes, Colby, Lexi? They made their choices, they did what they did under their own power. And yes, it makes me sad to know we've both lose them in our lives. But I want happiness for everyone, I feel HORRIBLE for Colby, even after what he did to you guys. He is such a good guy I just want to know that he's doing well for himself.. I don't thought. I can't.."

Pam heard words that she.. Didn't want to hear. A break possibly could help them, but both of them hated breaks. Literally the sibling to breaking up, a break is definitely one of the dumbest goddamn things in the whole world. You literally are saying, 'Hey let's break up for like a few weeks and get back together after.' No, that's so stupid. Pam shrugged, "I don't know how anyone is doing anymore. I don't know how you're even doing and I'm marrying you.. Y-you still want to marry me, don't you?" Pam's eyes dripped tears again, sliding down her cheeks and falling off of her jaw. Fergal almost got offended, "Yes I do! Why would you.. Don't ever doubt that." Fergal placed a hand on her upper thigh and squeezed it. "Just. We need to work through this, I don't wanna lose you. I don't. We can fix all of our problems if we work together.. You are brighter, and warmer inside my heart that a summer's day.. My little Rose.." That was possibly the best pickup line he's ever used on her. Especially due to the fact that her middle name is Rose. Pam blushed and climbed into his lap, burying her face into his shoulder.. Back to that concept of wishing.. It was indeed nighttime.. Pam did what every little girl has done.. She wished upon a star.. Wishing for pain to leave, struggle to leave, and she welcomed the concept of happiness..