Turn It Up

No King Rules Forever

"Yeah I totally understand that, I just don't feel like sometimes I'm good enough for him and I don't know if that's me being insecure and thinking like a sixteen year old or if that really is how our relationship is. Sometimes I feel as if there is nothing I offer to him or anyone else in life. Work for the first example, I used to feel like I was able to bring smiles to faces and make children, men, women, everyone.. I used to make them happy and smile. Feeling good is what Bayley was all about. Recently? Bayley is a fraction of what she used to be, I'm forced to be in programs where I get obliterated in six seconds and I can't make people feel good anymore. There was a magic that Bayley held with her, the magic of happiness and understanding, always looking at things from a glass half full type of stuff, now? Now Bayley looks at it like the glass is empty, and shattered on the floor. I don't know what to do there. Let's go to my friends. I lost Colby, I lost Mercedes, I lost Lexi for the most part. Even though Lexi seems to try and tell me that everything is alright, I almost killed the poor thing. All three of these people I have almost lost because my obsession with being number one with Fergal. Leah? Thank goodness gravy that she's on SmackDown Live. Otherwise she'd be in my crosshairs too. You know her I swear, you know Carmella? The F A B U L O US Princess of Staten Island? Yeah that one. Well now that we've covered how many friendships I've butchered, let's move on to the prime example of how to screw up. Fergal. Fergal is a peaceful little thing that literally has everybody's best interest in mind no matter the situation. He is a beacon of happiness for people and always does the best he can for whomever he comes across.. I just don't know why I deserve him honestly. You see where my problems come in right? I just can't see myself doing good things for people anymore, I just don't even have the desire to go back to work, I can't face all their judgemental faces and know they're all talking about how much of a garbage human being I am for doing what I did to Lexi.. I just don't know about anything anymore." Pam's giant speech to her therapist was in response to a simple statement of, 'Have you ever looked at life from the third person and watched events in your life play out?' The therapist listened and nodded to her words, "Well I do think there is some kind of blockage in your brain, I do think you hold onto a lot of guilt and blame for things and I also think that you need to forgive yourself, immediately."

Pam couldn't get the bad thoughts out of her head, even though the therapist was right about things and there definitely rooted issues inside of her head, how do you even fix that? I guess by coming to therapy and talking them out before using a mental wrench to repair what damage you may have inflicted upon yourself. There are times where you really don't know how to even start the healing process and you need others to help you to get there. But when that finally comes to light? Take that chance, risk your pride and don't pay attention to the nagging bad thoughts in your head. Get help, regardless of how bad you feel about admitting your damage. Pam shook her head, "Where do I even begin to forgive myself? What does that even mean?" She was of course puzzled by this, not knowing how to get to this.. Stable part of her life, it was hard to forgive one's sins. It was hard enough to even admit when you were wrong, nonetheless admit that it is okay to be wrong. The therapist cleared her throat quietly, "Well. You were wrong, everybody is wrong at times. Accept that. Identify what you did, and accept it as reality, these things happened and no, you don't have to like it. But it did happen sometime."

It made sense, and Pam was in for a long, bumpy ride along this path of self forgiveness, Pam's session was over and she was ready to leave and heal her brain. "Thank you so much for listening to my crap, I really needed this today." The therapist smiled at Pam, "I'm always here to help. Do try and relax your mind a little, expand your thoughts to the idea of forgiveness, realize it's okay to make mistakes. Okay?" Pam nodded at the very nice lady and exited her office. This was the real test, when you're in a place like that, a place of understanding, you need to have a certain thought process and a certain type of behavior that is appropriate. Being guided by a professional like Pam just was, is typically easy to do. She literally had her hand held the entire way through that, now? She was on her own, nobody was there to hold her hand and she needed to be tough. Pam walked to her car and hopped inside of it. She had sixteen missed text messages from Sarath, (Mikaze) and this could really only end with something steering towards tragedy. Pam read them all and immediately called him, he answered after one ring. "Hey.. What the hell is that all about?" Pam sat there for three literal minutes and listened to him explain what happened. She raised her hand up to her face and covered her mouth with some level of fear and anxiety. Is what he was telling her true? There is no way that this can be a real thing and if it is, holy shit she needs to go like now. "Okay. Where are you. And where is she." She listened a little, and it turns out that he wasn't even there yet. "Okay. Meet you there." She hung up the phone and called Fergal, he answered quickly, primarily due to the fact that phone calls were something that were reserved for a problem. And this was a big fucking problem. "Hey babe. What-" She interrupted him, "Go to the fucking hospital now." Fergal was taken back by her sudden jolt at him, "Whoa, slow down.. What happened? Are you okay?" Fergal was starting to get his shoes on now, he knew something was up and he just wasn't sure what that was. "I don't have time for this, just. Go." She hung up on him and began driving to the hospital at a speed that a street racer would envy. Fergal got ready as fast as he could and drove himself down to the hospital. He was so puzzled and worried about what was happening that he almost got sick at least five times. After he arrived there, he parked right next to where Pam had parked her car too. She was not in it, which made this all the more concerning to him. Adding to the heightened energy of the time, she parked absolutely atrociously. Meaning that she was indeed in a rush..

Fergal walked into the building to see Pam there, so was Sarath.. Why was he there. What was going on here.. Sarath saw Fergal and was filled with rage immediately, he rose to his feet and walked over to the Irishman. "Hey.. What's going on here-" Fergal caught a punch square in the ribs due to Sarath. "I can't BELIEVE what you did!" Pam darted over there and got in between them, but it was obvious that she was on.. His side.. Not Fergal's. The only thing Fergal saw was red, his body almost quivered in rage. Sarath is extremely lucky that Pam got in between them before Fergal caught his breath. Every inch of Fergal's body was covered in anger and he wanted nothing more than to obliterate him into powder. Fergal didn't speak, nor did Pam even check up and ask him if he was okay. Something was very wrong here. It was at this time that the automatic sliding doors opened again and in walked Colby. Well this is a real fucking reunion now, the last time Colby saw Sarath, he knocked him clean out. Colby walked over to Fergal who was red in the face with anger and grabbed him, pulling him away before he became a murderer. "Calm down Fergal.. What did he do?" Fergal responded, "Cheap shot."

Colby shook his head, "Sounds like Sarath's pathetic ass. Look just relax man, do you know what's happening here? Because I don't." Fergal shook his head, "No, when I asked what was happening, I got hung up on and then punched in the stomach." Fergal was almost not caring about what this was about anymore, he was too pissed to care. But he still did. And a few tense moments later the doctor peeled out of the room and Fergal had a thought in his mind that almost made him laugh. He's been literally unable to get the hell away from the hospital for the last few MONTHS. Like actual months this has been dragging the fuck on and there was no signs of slowing down. The doctor approached Sarath and told him something that Fergal could not hear, he turned to Colby and Colby shrugged at him. After several minutes of the three talking back and forth, the doctor walked over to Fergal and Colby. "Hello gentlemen. I assume you're here because of what happened to Mercedes?" Colby's eyes lit up now, "Wait, what the fuck happened?" Even though they had been broken up for several months now, he still had feelings, and he never really got over being in love with her. The doctor saw the anger and anxiety in Colby's eyes.. Fergal got a sickening feeling in his stomach.. He knew exactly what this was about and he was absolutely stunned that she did it. "Well she was brought in after housekeeping opened her door and saw her lying in a pool of her own blood..." Colby shook his head and immediately teared up. Fergal zoned out, it was like he was shell shocked right now, this couldn't be reality. He watched as the doctor's lips kept moving and muffled sounds were heard, but he couldn't understand them.. He looked past him and to Pam, who was shaking her head at Fergal for.. Some reason. Fergal closed his eyes really hard and pushed his fingers into them. He shook his head and all of a sudden, sound returned to his ears and he heard the doctor yet again. "So she is stable, but it was definitely a close one, and from the looks of it, not only was this deliberate, but it was almost completed. I am very sorry." The doctor turned and walked away almost as quickly as he appeared. Fergal looked over at Colby and Colby spoke to him, "Why are they being like this with you though.. Y-you didn't do this to her. I know how she felt about you and I even heard about the fight you two had.. But that was no excuse for this shit." Fergal shrugged and the pair of Pam and Sarath walked over to him very, very slowly. Fergal felt his body burn up with anger yet again, this was going to be hard not to strike him.

There was a tense silence that built up between the three of them. And I say three, because Colby was not involved in this crap. He was the one who broke the silence. "What the fuck is your problem. Both of you." Pam looked over at him and shook her head, "This is his fault. It was literally in her fucking note she left that the little conversation they had? Drove her over the edge." Fergal was to blame for this by the only person in this whole world he loved. He felt.. Betrayed.. Like the King who had conspirators to remove him. He remained silent, he was starting to question everything now.. He didn't know if this was his fault, or if she overreacted to something that she should have been adult enough to handle. "If it wasn't for you saying that, Fergal, she would be totally fine and healthy. Not almost dead." What was he supposed to do? He thought this to himself silently.. Was he supposed to go and have sex with her? Cheating on Pam and ruining the best thing in his life? She all but ENDORSED the conversation and the end of their friendship LITERALLY until right now. Colby shook his head at her, "What the fuck happened to you, nah man, you know what? Leave Fergal alone. Just get out of our face."