Turn It Up

Therapy Session

The way last night ended couldn't have gone better for Pam, honestly it was something out of a dream she only thought was, well that a dream. But it was her reality now. Fergal seemed to be the best human being in the whole wide world, he not only understood how she felt and what she needed, but even something as.. Not cool as what she did was still understood by him. She was unsure about her relationship status still, as well as her friendship with Alexis might very well just be over. But for now? It was time to be thankful that for whatever reason Fergal had, he did indeed forgive and understand her. Pam was sadly alone right now with her thoughts, she had an appointment with her therapist coming up in just an hour and she sat in the waiting room and just pondered at the dark spots in her mind, the influence that seemed to not just suggest action, but actually take it. She twirled her thumbs with one another and waited for her turn, she was worried about Fergal, he had a medical exam this afternoon to check up on his headaches that have plagued him for weeks now. It was a shitty thing, but she took all of the blame for this on herself. Stress is the silent killer, it can do everything from make you gain weight, to lose it, for ladies it can delay your period, headaches, pains, aches, trembles, lose sleep.. You need to be careful when it comes to stress, find comfort in your life and if you cannot manage your stress? Please find someone who can help you in lowering it to a tolerable level, it will be for your own good.. Pam looked up at the ceiling, she all but lost that beautiful daydream where her and Fergal were happy and content with their lives, it turned to a nightmare of her dealing with bullshit all on her own, and Fergal not being around to really help out for some reason or another. It was followed only by pure darkness, really driving the point home that she was after all of their journey.. Alone. No one can stand against the darkness alone.. Pam needed help, and she was suspended now for her action.. Having time to go back to Florida and hopefully get the help she needed, the therapist would have to get her mind back in a place where she is no longer a danger to herself and others around her. "Pamela Martinez?" The therapist walked out and smiled at a really nervous Pam. She rose to her feet, "Hi there.." Pam was somewhat scared to dive into her own mind and figure out what she was thinking, she walked towards the therapist and her hands lightly shook as she walked through the hallway and into the therapist's office area. It was a hot day, typically in Florida it was always disgustingly hot, but today was.. Exceptionally so, she was getting uncomfortable.

Pam sat down and the woman introduced herself to her and Pam tried her absolute best to at least look comfortable. It was difficult; and it was obvious that she was forcing things to come out of her mount. "Well why don't you start by telling me what you felt when you struck her." The woman asked a very simple, easy to understand question. Pam shifted as she lay on the little couch and looked up at the ceiling. "If you want the truth? I don't remember much of anything. I remember seeing her little face, and she was in character so she was trying to be as dastardly as possible.. But for some reason it just sent me through the roof.. Apparently I worked a super stiff.. Meaning rough around the edges, type of match and then when the chair got involved I acted like a woman possessed. I don't remember even doing it." The woman wrote all of this down and was trying her best to figure out just what goes on inside the mind of a person who always appears to be so happy and so in control. It would be interesting to figure out what happens when someone like this loses all control and is subject to jealousy, a disgusting feeling she cannot control..

After the woman clearly was writing things down, she spoke again. "Well. I think we need to pinpoint the moment where you thought that violence against this woman was deemed acceptable. I think we need to figure out why you dislike her and the other one too. Is that fair? Can we do that Miss Martinez?" She was being so kind and gentle with Pam it was almost too good to be true. Pam grunted, "Yeah of course. And it just isn't that simple. You see; I work in a business where if there is no trust, work cannot be done. We can't work with each other and trust each other with strikes, slams, submissions, tosses, anything. Anything you can think of with a wrestling match if we can't trust each other then it dies. What's the problem? I feel as if when they're around Fergal that I no longer am the most important woman in his life.. I feel like when she cracks that smile and her blonde hair falls into her face that he secretly wishes he could have her where ever they are.. I just don't feel right inside my own skin when she's around and it makes me want to actually throw up." Pam's explanation was exactly what the therapist thought could be the problem. Pam was suffering from a severe self esteem issue, as well as several large insecurities that were not solvable with just her own mind. "Well. Sadly I know how you feel. I went through this same thing with my husband and I still get a little on edge sometimes when he discusses co-workers, things he likes et cetera." Pam looked over at the woman who was drop dead gorgeous actually, she is a woman of Asian descent, long black hair with a nice quirky smile. Pam was wondering how someone who was so visually stunning could ever be insecure. "What can you not like about yourself? You really are an amazing beauty and you're super nice to, well I assume everybody." The therapist smiled at Pam and set her pen down, "Thank you for the praise, but if a person is perhaps visually appealing, it does not mean that their internal monsters go away. As a matter of fact, it almost amplifies them. You see, confidence is a scary animal to have and handle. I had confidence, I was a bodybuilder, and I was totally shredded in shape. And when I got married I always felt like I was a silver wife. I never quite made it back to gold. That might just be the perfectionist inside of me but I never felt like I did enough. That's until I started meditating and then the thoughts almost entirely disappeared. So honestly Pam, you are a gorgeous, smart, young, talented woman. You have the world in your hands. There is nothing you cannot do if you try to do it." Pam listened to this woman talk and felt that connection, like this person has had the same experiences that she has and it was almost.. Warm, warm in the heart.

So much tragedy has plagued Pam over the past several months and it was about time that she addressed all of them. This burying true feelings thing had to go and go now. She re-shifted back into her seat and looked back up at the ceiling. "There's other things that have happened to make me feel.. Just completely off, honestly. Starting with work, some of the programs we almost did with people we really are sketched out with.." Pam went on for a few minutes about the Saraya incident, the almost fight that Mercedes and Saraya had over Colby, fights with Fergal, title shots, Wrestlemania, April, the proposal.. So many things were on her mind and some of them were actually not bad things. She just needed to somehow find someone who was not involved that would be able to add interesting and useful insight into why and how she was thinking like this. The therapist came to a conclusion after a while of Pam going off about things. "I think I might have a rough idea of what could be going on inside that pretty head of yours honey." Pam looked over now, completely intrigued by what she had to say..

Pam's mind only could try to grasp what the woman was about to say, she was extremely nervous for this, possibly the deciding factor in the rest of her day, if not week or month.. The therapist put her pen down yet again and crossed her hands, interlocking her fingers with one another. "Well I honestly think you suffer from depression, extreme anxiety, you have memories repressed inside of your mind and you struggle to really get the problems out in a fashion that is not only healthy, but the right thing to do. Everybody suffers from some form of lack of confidence, honestly Miss Martinez. We all do. I will do everything in my power over the next few weeks to ensure that these outbursts will stop and you will be able to return to work. Basically what I'm saying here, is that you are not a lost cause." She smiled warmly and that smile preceded by those words made Pam feel infinitely better about her current conundrum. Nodding slowly, "I really need to thank you for being positive about this, I'm still so scared of what goes on when I can't remember anything. I like basically black out and this isn't the first time that this has happened. Granted, I didn't nail anyone in the head with a chair.. But several times before when I've been competing with the other girl, who's name is Mercedes. I've had temptations, conscious temptations just after she talked to Fergal.. To rip her freaking head off and kick it around like a soccer ball.." Pam began to have her little nightmare vision again, it was so unsettling to know that she had no control over this. It was almost like a trance.. She closed her eyes, squeezed them shut as tight as she possibly could. And it was only until she felt the cold hand of her therapist grab her arm gently did she open her eyes. "I just feel like I have so much anger in me there has to be something wrong. It always is me, Fergal is almost right about literally everything in our entire lives. He knows all and he just is better than me.." The therapist shook her head as Pam began to break down, "Why is this viewed by you as a competition? Fergal loves you, yes? Then there is no need to compete within the relationship. You have your views, thoughts, ideas, dreams and even nightmares. So does he. You two might be one in the same, but that does not mean you two are identical. It would not be any good if you two NEVER disagreed.. That is something that comes with a healthy relationship, but it is scary when you feel as if you are ALWAYS wrong and you ALWAYS are the victim.. That victimhood mindset is dangerous, Miss Martinez. And every day you are here, I will do my absolute best to make sure that I can help you through this.

The session ended shortly after and Pam actually hugged her therapist. She walked to the parking lot and sat in the car. It took a few minutes of the air conditioner blowing on her face before she texted Fergal and told him she was out. Fergal was happy, informing her that he was waiting for his appointment to start and that he was in fact nervous as hell. Pam agreed, 'I know what it's like babe. I was practically faint in there.' Fergal responded almost immediately, but it was just what she needed. 'Look I know this sucks. I always look at life through the lense of, "No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place." Meaning that everything that happens in our day to day life is supposed to happen that way. The worry, the stress, the fear and anger all of it. All of it has some greater meaning. Maybe you're just in a rough patch because life is preparing you to encounter something magical. Like us moving in together.' Pam grinned so wide and a loud squeal was heard by, well, only her. She texted him back. 'Can we talk about that when you get out of your appointment?' Pam bit down on her bottom lip as the bubbles popped up, indicating that Fergal was typing. 'I would love to talk about that today sweetheart. I'll text you after this.'