Turn It Up

Confessions With The Lass Kicker

Now that Fergal had his new found alliance with April in the bag, it was time to try and game plan how he can hopefully save his love. Pam was on the verge of a mental breakdown, she hated going to work, she hated the fact that her friends were literally hospitalized.. There was so much she just despised about life right now and there was nothing and no one who could stop it or prevent the bloodshed. She went to visit Rebecca daily, every single day which meant that she was not in fact on the road right now. One of her girls was damn near killed, how can anyone go to work at a time like this. It was almost like her and Ashley had an unspoken agreement, whenever the other one left, the other came in. Rebecca rarely was alone which is exactly what she needed from her friends/lover. Pam couldn't erase the image of Fergal's disappointed face from her brain, she knew that he didn't like how her brain operated when it came to other women.. And it was only getting worse with each passing day. Soon, any woman approaching Fergal should know to fear for her life. Pam didn't know what to do to stop the spread of her anger. She had no idea how to collectively suppress her rage and jealousy. It was fueled by her insecurity.. Which was an ongoing issue, it can be safely assumed that if she knew Fergal and April were very close now that Pam would assume they're sleeping with one another. Having such a volatile thought process; Pam was not the greatest person to be around at the moment.. "Becks? I brought you some coffee the super sweet one. Yea, the super sweet one for a super sweet lady." Rebecca giggle and took the warm beverage with two hands, "Aw thanks love. This smells absolutely divine." Rebecca's way of speaking was so cute and silly, she was such a free spirited woman that it was almost inspiring to Pam to try and be more like her orange haired Irish friend. "Hey, Becky? Can I ask you something?" Pam spoke as Rebecca carefully took her first sip of the coffee, immediately being in love with it. "Oooh. My goodness.. Huh, yea? Go ahead lass, anything after you brought me this little slice of heaven.." Pam smiled and giggled quietly, it seemed like the only time she was actually happy was when she saw Rebecca enjoy herself. "Well, I see that like, you and Ashley are like. So happy and comfortable with literally everything to do with one another.. Including being.. S-secure.. If you catch my drift.." Rebecca furrowed her eyebrows, "Uh huh.. Go on..?" The Irish lady spoke quietly, her little voice cracked in that classic Rebecca way. "I was just wondering.. How did you guys get so comfortable with one another? It really is something so special to sit back and watch I just get heart eyes thinking about it.."

Rebecca giggled and smiled slightly, "Well first of all, thank you sweetheart. It means a lot to know that me and Ash are a little beacon of happiness for others just as much as we are for each other.. But, how? Well honestly I don't know if I can pinpoint a how and when for that kinda thing.. We just kind of don't worry about things that don't require worryin'. I trust her and she trusts me. The happiness that can stem from trust is astronomical." Rebecca took another sip and spoke yet again, "Why do you ask? Is everything alright, love?" Pam was now put on the spot and a little scared of the confrontation. "U-uh no reason. I was just, I see it all the time from you guys, you literally glow with happiness when you're with each other. I was just.. Wondering, Becks.." Pam was lying through her teeth, and Rebecca saw this like she wore it on a t-shirt. "Hm.. Something tells me there is more to that.. What's a matter Pam. Talk to good ol' Becks. Well now you can call me Doctor Becks, defender of love and justifier of all things stupid. Reporting for duty."

Rebecca was such an adorable idiot, it was no wonder why the fans loved her so much. "It just. With Fergal, and me, I just feel like I'm not good enough, like any other girl can just snag the attention that only I want.. No one else. I feel threatened by so many girls.. Lex, Mer-.." She paused to cough, "You.. Even.." Pam looked down, ashamed by what she had just said. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't think like this, but I do and I do it a lot. Sometimes I get so angry and scared that I just lash out on whomever happens to be closest to me. Sometimes it is him, sometimes not.. So I asked how you guys are so close and so trustworthy and blah.." Pam's words were going in all different directions, so too were her facial expressions. Almost every emotion in the book was represented on her face, ranging from giggles to near tears, it was apparent that Pam was in an immense amount of pain.. "Well sweetheart, I think that step one is to forgive yourself for having insecurities, I think that it really is healthy to recognize that you have an issue with it and that it is an ongoing battle.. I used to be like that, I used to think that guys were only into me for sex and to mess with my heart. Which for the record, I'm don't really think I'm a wizard in bed, so for them to only be into me for sex was another insecurity in of itself. But that's besides the point. I think that you need to be okay with the fact that your mind has this dark corner and the best thing to do? Bring a candle there. Recognize it. Own it." Rebecca reached out for Pam, she was still stricken in the hospital bed and Pam finally went over to her, grabbing her hand gently. "It's okay to be insecure, it really is. You want to be the best for who you love, it is the natural thing of life. But when you have no control over it, and sometimes ignore it? That's just dangerous and you should NEVER do something like that. You also need to make Fergal aware of when this stuff goes down, when your brain just shifts into defensive mode over, possibly very little. You need to make him aware that, 'Babe. I need help here. I feel like my head's gonna pop.' And that is a sure way to let him in on how you feel, while building trust by telling him something that is really hard to address in the first place.. See what I'm talkin' bout? It really is the little things in life that let him know that you do trust him, and that you do put faith in his opinion.." Rebecca's words resonated with Pam, surely she didn't know that she was once used for her body, but then again.. It wasn't that hard to imagine. People were awful, the trust that human beings once held close to their hearts practically evaporated into nothingness.. It really was the shittiest thing about people, the changing of values and the loss of morales. Pam bit down harshly on her bottom lip and nodded slowly, "Thank you Rebecca, it means a lot to hear this, coming from, especially, you.."

Rebecca smiled and squeezed Pam's hand gently, "I love ya girl. Don't forget that just cause I'm stuck in this silly little bed doesn't mean I don't. Cause I doooo!" She smirked a bit and Pam giggled at Rebecca's pure silly nature. That really was the best word to describe Rebecca; Pure. She was incorruptible and it was something that more people needed to try and achieve. That state of pureness. Pam slowly rose to her feet and slid her hand away from Rebecca's. "Well I'm gonna go see Fergal now sweetheart, I'll be back tomorrow, okay?" Pam leaned in and gently kissed Rebecca on the forehead. "Thank you so much for being my friend. I can literally never repay your kindness.." Pam made Rebecca smile so big it was almost dorky. "Aw shucks sweetie. I love when you're happy like this. I'll see you tomorrow, good luck with your big ol' dork!" Pam giggled and walked out. Just as she opened the door, on queue, Ashley walked right in after her. Truly the funniest and strangest thing was that timing to be honest, seemed planned.. Was not.

Walking out of the hospital, Pam felt restored almost. She was entirely ready to take on whatever challenge that might be waiting for her at Fergal's place. She needed to have that kind of a talk with Rebecca, even though it sucked to admit that she is wrong, and feels wrong more so.. Sometimes you just need to recognize a problem and address it early before it is too late. Pam got into her car and sat there for a moment, she looked in the mirror at herself and actually.. Smiled. She couldn't believe it, but the sight of her own reflection made her smile. After she drove away, and was at a stop sign, she had the bluetooth on her car working again. "Text Fergal." After a second passed, "Hey baby. I'm on my way to you right now. Just got done seeing Rebecca. Be there soon!" She paused, "Send." The car notified her that the message was sent. Feeling so relieved with life right now, she took her sweet ass time driving, appreciating the sky, the clouds.. Even the freaking grass, dude. Like she had an entire rebirth after that eye opening discussion with Rebecca. It is amazing honestly how just talking to someone about the problems you have inside of you mind really can make a world of difference. Pam reflected now, she thought about how much she loves Fergal, and how much they've been through. It was insane that they hadn't been together.. TOO Long, even though they knew each other for years. Dating wise, they were somewhat fresh. But everything felt right, the engagement felt right, at WRESTLEMANIA of all places. It was still so fresh in her mind but sadly it was clouded by the accident. She snapped out of her trance like state and continued to drive. Pam arrived at Fergal's apartment shortly after the daydream that she had, note to self. DO NOT DAYDREAM AND DRIVE. Irresponsible.. Anyways. Pam parked her car on the side of the road.. That's odd.. There are two cars in Fergal's driveway.. There is obviously only supposed to be one. The license plate.. 'New Jersey'? What the- Is April here? Or is someone else here? But they are hardly friends, how the hell.. WHY the hell is April inside of Fergal's apartment, and she didn't know about her coming in.. To Pam's knowledge, she was back in New Jersey, her stint with the WWE was over, and she should be home.. Confusion and paranoia set in, was Pam being cheated on right now? Was she going to walk in and see April and Fergal having sex right there in front of her face? Pam violently shook her head, attempting to rid her brain of such dark thoughts.. Well this was going to be.. An event to say the least. But Pam was trying so freaking hard to just remember.. Be like Rebecca. Be like her right now, be strong, be independent, be happy. Pam was trying to hard.. Goodness. She walked up to the door and rang the bell. Patiently awaiting for the door to open. So many thoughts and, honestly, not very good ones were coursing through her brain. Oh, shit. It opened.

It was Fergal, and he had two looks on his face simultaneously. Happiness, and concern. "Hey.. You look great baby." Fergal leaned in and Pam hugged him instead, it was shocking to be honest, last he saw her she looked like she hated life. After she pulled back from the hug, Pam pushed her head forward and kissed him passionately. Fergal was caught off guard again, his hand went up and cupped the side of her head, more specifically her ear. After the kiss broke, Fergal whispered, "Come inside, gorgeous.." Pam nodded and walked inside. She saw cookies on a little plate, with some milk there took. Walking out of the kitchen was April. Fergal shut the door behind Pam and was a tiny bit confused.. "What's going on here?" She was just curious now, eliminating the dark thoughts.. Fergal put a hand on Pam's lower back, almost reassuringly and nicely.. April brushed her tummy off lightly, "Pammie? We need to talk, sweetheart.."