Turn It Up

Therapy

Anticipation is a feeling that everyone either loves or hates, primarily due to the fact that it can either lead to you feeling super excited about something, or like your heart is going to explode in your chest. Really figuring out which side of the coin you'll actually be on is truly the hard part, you never really know until you're utterly overwhelmed with emotions and you can't fully recover from it. Pam was sitting in the waiting room with Fergal for her first therapy session, she skipped going to the big boy doctor and wasting time for them just to send her here anyways, so she skipped it and went straight here. It was per April's instruction, and although this is something she wasn't a fan of, both April and Fergal insisted that she come here and at least talk to somebody about what is going on inside her head. Getting things out like that.. The things that nobody wanted to talk about was always such a problem for Pam, she was an introvert in the worst possible way, she hated telling people sad things, and how she thought when there was nothing really going right. Telling people she was happy obviously was easy as hell, but when push came to shove? She quieted down and never told anyone anything. It was dangerous and stupid, boys and girls? Lesson to be learned here, if you're sad? Or just feeling off a pinch, please talk to someone you love and trust. It'll only help you out. Pam looked over at Fergal and seemed so nervous and just a little bit frightened, and by a little bit? She is EXTREMELY nervous by this. Fergal grabbed her by the hand and held onto it tightly, "It's going to be fine, Pam.. It's not like they're literally splitting your head open to fix whatever might or might not be wrong.. They just wanna talk to you.. I promise it'll be okay. And of course, if I could be in there with you? I would, but that would be counterproductive.. You know that." Fergal's words were always so kind, soft even. Pam nodded and knew he was right, she took in a deep breath, and then exhaled. "Yes.. I know babe. But it doesn't make it better to know there is something wrong with me.." Fergal heard that last little part and got a little offended by it. "You think it's not good to know if there's something wrong? Pam are you kidding me right now? When will people understand that having problems is not only okay, but entirely normal? Do you even remember what April told you? A big portion of fixing your problem, is accepting the fact that the problem is a part of who you are. Not hiding away from it and figuratively stabbing anyone who even tries to get close to you.." Pam hung her head dejectedly, she felt kind of attacked, but it was Fergal.. He ALWAYS meant well.

"I know Fergal but.." Fergal cut her off now, trying to put his foot in the ground to assert that this was going to be okay. "But nothing babe. This has to happen, this is something that has affected you for almost what, three years you said? Something like that? Remember? When we were laying in bed?" Pam nodded, "Yeah around that. I don't know exactly." Fergal shook his head, "That does not matter honestly. You need this. I need this. I need my Pammie to be healthy, and happy. You are physically happy and healthy. But mentally? Emotionally? No you are most certainly not and that is really okay. I'm here for you, only for you. That's why I even agreed to this.. April is taking along time to get here what the hell." Fergal originally wasn't supposed to come, but April got caught up with things and she couldn't make it on time. It was supposed to be April and Pam, but due to this event, Fergal had to be a substitute at least until she arrived. Pam laughed, "She's probably pooping." Fergal made a funny face, "Pam. Not cool.." He giggled and so did she, the joke at least got some of the crazy tension in the room to go down, just a tad.

Almost on queue, April burst through the door and looked around, her hair was wet due to the rain being unrelenting outside right now. It was as if the heavens were crashing down to earth in the form of gigantic rain drops. Fergal looked over at the soak and wet woman and so did Pam, "Ah, there she is now.. Weird ass timing, I'm tellin' you I'm a regular nostradamus." Pam giggled again, and April walked over to them, "I'm so sorry I'm late you guys.." Pam and Fergal stood, April hugged Pam quickly and then hugged Fergal, "Sorry about the wet clothes too. But holy shit is it raining outside." Fergal shook his head, "Oh no it's okay. Now I smell like you, and rain. My absolute favorite.." Fergal stayed standing whilst Pam and April sat down, "Alright I'll be off. I don't wanna pressure you or make you feel like you can't say things cause your big bad man is here." Pam nodded and understood, that was one of her fears with Fergal being there, but he was such a good person and so understanding that it didn't bother him whatsoever. He smiled at Pam and April and leaned down, kissing Pam on the forehead, "Relax, you'll be perfectly okay. I trust April to take care of you while I'm gone. Do you want me to pick up a pizza on the way back to my apartment?" April chimed in, "YES!" Pam chuckled very quietly and looked over at April and shrugged, "I didn't say that, don't look at me.." She looked down now, rubbing her chin. Pam whispered, "Please babe? Pizza sounds amazing today honestly. I feel like being gross and unhealthy for once." Fergal smiled again and kissed her forehead. "I love you princess." She smiled too, blushing at the kind words, "I love you too baby. Be safe driving." Fergal nodded and much to Pam's sadness, he left. Pam looked over at April who had both hands under her chin, staring at Pam and making a cute little face. "D'awwwwwww!!! You guys are SO precious. How the hell are you real, are you real? I think you're real. You smell real.. You feel real." Pam giggled again, this time out of slight embarrassment. "Shuddup April! I hate you right now oh my lord." They both giggled and April had to ask something, she had a reputation for asking things that weren't exactly appropriate for the time, of not having fear of asking things that perhaps have NOT been discussed yet. "So I just now realized you guys don't.. Live together yet. He's still in his place, and you.. Well, your own. When is that going to change? I mean shit Pam, you guys are engaged. Isn't it time to.. Do that?" April was such a forward person with her friends, no fear rested in her heart because they knew she always meant well by what she said or did. Pam raised an eyebrow, and shrugged her shoulders. "Honestly? We've been so preoccupied with what's been going on around us we haven't even been able to figure out a place, not only that. But we haven't even TALKED about moving in yet." April nodded and had a funny face on yet again, here she goes. "I totally think you guys should move to Jersey. I mean I hear it's pretty freakin' rad.."

"Oh ha ha ha. Wait that isn't that bad of an idea. New York City is right across the water.. I hear it's nice too!" Pam actually agreed with April's joke and April shook her head, "Wait really? You guys really would? THAT IS THE SECOND BEST THING I'VE HEARD TODAY!" April squeaked with excitement, it was no secret that after her and Phil split for.. Stupid ass reasons, she moved back to New Jersey and even though that place was a house of horrors for some of her memories, it was still her home at the end of the day. "Second best?" Pam chimed in and raised an eyebrow. "Well, yeah. First best being pizza." Pam smiled and shook her head, they had made plans, the three of them to hang out for the rest of the day and April was so happy to have her friends back in her life full time like this. Friends were such a necessary thing to have..

"Well I-" Pam was interrupted by a lady opening the door, "Pamela Martinez?" Pam and April both stood, Pam spoke, "Yes.. That's me." The woman spoke again, "She's ready for you sweetheart." Pam turned to April, her body was visibly shaking and her hands were violently shaking. April's eyes widened, she instantly grabbed Pam's hands and then arms, pulling her into a hug, "No mama bear, don't be scared. This doesn't hurt. It'll be okay. These nice ladies are here to help. I promise I promise oh my goodness don't shake!" Pam hugged April tight, but April was hugging her tighter. The love between them was rare, friends this close didn't find each other every day. Wrestling luckily brought these ladies together and their undying love kept them here. Pam whispered, "I'm scared.." She pulled back and April spoke, "If you want to walk out at any time? You absolutely can. Okay? There is nothing forcing you to be in there. I got this." Pam smiled at April's reassurance, breaking their physical connection. "Well.. I guess this is where I go in.." April nodded at her, "You will be okay.. I pinky swear." April held up her pinky, and Pam wrapped her warm finger around April's icy cold one. Pam brought April's pinky to her face and kissed it, then April did the same to Pam's finger. "Okay. I'm gonna go in now. Wish me luck!" April watched as her friend walked away and she sat back down in the seat, waiting to see what was going to happen in.. Who knows how long this was going to take. It was so hard for April and Fergal to sit back and watch their friend struggle like this, but at the end of the day, they had to be there for her, it was something that nobody wanted to have to go through, but they loved her, April like a sister, Fergal as a lover. It was such a good combination to heal Pam's damaged brain and heart, sure Fergal wasn't perfect, and he has had some insecure and unnecessary thoughts race through his head at some point or another, but it never got as bad as Pam's did. Fergal got back to his apartment and walked inside, he was so not fully ready for the rest of the day, he was practically praying that this went well for her and that she would truly be okay. But Fergal trusted April, and he knew that she would take care of Pam at least.. So resting his mind was hard, but it was going to be equally challenging to make sure that the rest of the day is a success. Pam walked out of the room about an hour and a half later, April was actually.. Sigh. Sleeping on the chair in the waiting room. Pam quietly walked over to her and got on her knees, burying her face into April's tummy. The tiny skipper slept peacefully and then felt something touch her, her eyes opened to see the top of Pam's head. She smiled and kissed the top of it, causing Pam to giggle.

"H-hey. How was it love?" April smiled a little and opened her sleepy eyes fully. Pam smiled right back at her. "It went great.. I cried four times, and we scheduled another appointment for next Thursday." Pam was so proud of herself right now, finally growing the courage needed to walk into a room with a complete stranger, who's only goal was to make her feel better and fix her problems, and actually talk about things like Lexi, Rebecca, Colby, even.. Well, you know. It was insane that she was able to go and do this, well she also needed to have her hands held by Fergal and April but hey! She still did it. "Wanna go back to Fergal's? Get some pizza and watch comic book movies? I think I do. Do you?" April's eyes widened, pizza? Comic book movies? Hell yes she did. "Uh, is that a question? YES!" She sat up from her slouched position and stood slowly, avoiding getting a nasty head rush. "I'm so proud of you Pammie, Fergal is going to be too. Honestly, this was such a good thing for you, even if you don't feel it just yet. I promise this'll pay off." April spoke softly, "Thank you so much for all of this.. Really." April smiled at her, "I would literally do anything for you, of course babe. No problem."