Turn It Up

Anxiety Of The Demon

Several weeks had passed since the incident where Pam broke down to April, and if it were stated that things resumed as they did before the madness? That statement would be a pure lie. Nothing went back to the way it was, things always felt a little.. Off. For some odd reason or another, Fergal always felt like he was distant with Pam, his sub-conscious would not allow him to let Pam through the walls he originally broke down for her.. But after this fiasco? With Alexis? It was just different. Things were different. Fergal looked at her in a different light now, things that went down that normally would be looked at as just 'normal everyday crap' was now being questioned inside of his mind. It was almost like he was fighting to believe in her anymore.. It was becoming quite dangerous and toxic to be inside of his mind. Pam was clueless to this breakdown, she had no idea that Fergal was struggling like this.. But then again? How the hell would she know? Fergal was an amazing introvert and never wanting to let others in.. If he didn't want you to get in? You would never.. There was a new problem on the horizon however, more specifically there was a problem that Fergal was struggling to make sense of. Pam had a nice little pre-summer photoshoot coming up where she would dress down in practically nothing, but not being slutty. You know? Not like Attitude Era Women where they literally wore dental floss. But enough to where it's suggestive but not crossing that line. Well anyways, the last time Fergal had a girlfriend do a photoshoot like that, she wound up doing things she was not particularly supposed to do and it led to their downfall. Yes I'm referring to Barbie, (Kelly Kelly) their relationship was golden until that point.. And after she made that mistake? Nothing seemed the same anymore. The trust was gone and Fergal would doubt everything.. Down to her reasons why she didn't text him back when he knew she could. See, once trust gets shattered to fucking pieces, it is IMPOSSIBLE to bring it back to former glory. This is obviously no different. Fergal was already progressing down that path where he could barely trust Pam anymore, and it was becoming hard for his brain to cool off.. He would often put his forearm up against his forehead and feel, especially when he was thinking like this, and his head was always burning hot. His brain being in overdrive like that typically meant that he was thinking so goddamn much that he was causing the rest of his body to react in an extremely unhealthy way. He felt moody, sad, angry, bitter, doubtful.. Everything that a good relationship doesn't need EITHER person to feel, Fergal felt it all. And happiness you ask? Where has that gone? Well it's right next to trust.. In the toilet.

'Well I can't go with you obviously to your shoot. So when you go just. Be safe, have fun.' Fergal was so dismissive with his texts to Pam, he was having such a fucking difficult time breaking down the barrier to trust her again. After he put her in that category of someone who would do things JUST to get their way, regardless of the positive or negative effects on others around her.. He just couldn't forget those damaging nights, days even.. Pam responded in, nowaday classic Pam fashion, late and short as well. Fergal was going slowly insane dealing with this, he hated this and just wanted his old relationship back where everything was happy, sunshine and rainbows. 'Ok then. Be safe tonight babe.' He felt nothing from her right now, absolutely nothing. He secretly wanted her to back out of this photoshoot and just come back to him.. Also I might add; it's hilarious that she would say that, she KNOWS he doesn't work tonight and still said something like that. Where is he gonna go? The moon!? He put his phone down and sighed..

Not even choosing to respond to that vague, bullshit text Fergal just stared at the wall. He thought about the good times. He was slipping. Thinking about where he exactly went wrong to ruin this relationship just like he felt he drove Barbie away too. NEVER ONCE has Fergal had the temptation to try and pursuit a relationship with EITHER Alexis or Mercedes. Yet; Pam acts as if he fucks them on the down low. Like it truly drove him to depression, it all started with her insecurity with herself, that slowly evolved into a lack of trust in him. He still doesn't understand the insecurity fully, Pam is one of the most beautiful people Fergal has ever known in his life. The other's being like, his mother and family members. So why would she think that he's even entertaining this? He never would.. Alexis never showed signs of wanting to be with Fergal either, sure there was that stint where she was unsure about her relationship but Fergal ensured that their relationship REMAINED a friendship. Never truly going towards a sexual lust for one another. Mercedes just RECENTLY fucked up with him, before that however? Pam STILL thought the SAME way about him. It truly was a fucked up situation with no end in sight. Would Fergal not even be able to have friends that are girls so long as Pam is in the picture? What about Fergal's friendship with Cathy Kelly? In his opinion, one of the nicest, most lovely young ladies that the WWE has on their payroll. Is she also a threat? The girl who really acts like a child a just wants to get bacon and watch wrestling? Fergal really didn't know what to think anymore and he wasn't going to ask Pam. That is just the last thing that was crossing his mind. Right now he was just remembering the simpler times, perhaps the longer this relationship has gone on for, the more Pam fell in love, causing her to fear losing him to increase exponentially. That was a thought, but what if she thought like this all along, what if her seeing Fergal be close and love Alexis like a best friend, even a sister, what if she for some reason saw that as a threat? Mercedes was never looked at like a sister to Fergal, he viewed her as a really good person and a great friend. Things changed when certain stories about her surfaced and Fergal was confronted with a different kind of Mercedes than that in which he became buddies with. Fergal's head hurt, badly. This anxiety and these thoughts were causing him to not only question his relationship, but everything in his life. He no longer wanted to be on RAW anymore, there was too much pain and strife there. Alexis was there, Mercedes was there, Pam was there.. It was overwhelming to him right now..

Not to say Fergal is innocent here, there are plenty of things that Pam can bitch about to him if she chose to. Like not understanding her the way he needs to. Oh boy is that her favorite thing to say to him, 'You don't understand how I feel Fergal!'.. The only problem is when he asked her to explain and show him how she feels, she never can. And yet that STILL gets thrown in his face. 'You don't understand.' 'Help me to understand then, please.' 'I can't explain it!' That literally has happened dozens and dozens of times and Fergal would get enraged at the word understand. He felt his patience slowly slip as the days peeled onward, since the blowout with Alexis, he had not heard from her since.. She really was going to have to cut him out of her life. Fergal even questioned their friendship, was that all fabricated and bullshit too? Fergal felt like trust was just a fruitless venture, one that would only yield the feeling of pain, and regret. I mean come on now, this was once a man who was so relaxed and chill with his life, that nothing could really steer him off course. Now? If Pam takes an extra ten minutes to text him back, boom negative thoughts, boom depression, boom anxiety.. Things have changed.. And he HATED it..

Pam was at her little photo shoot and she was getting changed into one of the rather small outfits. She was feeling self conscious and walked out dressed in the attire. Her cheeks were beet red and not from the blush they applied to her. One of the male workers approached her while everyone continue to set up. "Hey.. What's wrong? Why do you look so nervous." Pam looked over at the rather quiet man and shrugged, "I don't feel like I need to be wearing this right now. It doesn't fit right." Sadly that was the WWE, 'HEY I know you don't fit in this cause you ass is too big, but.. Let's have you wear it anyways! Cool. ENJOY!' Basically was happening right now. The man shook his head, "You look incredible, don't even sweat it. I don't notice anything that would alarm people." Pam smiled softly, the man was being kind to her and she was unsure if he was flirting, being nice, or if he was gay. Typically, for the Women's photoshoots they had gay photographers due to the fact that if there were straight men, they would have.. Ulterior motives for wanting to take photos of the women wearing these outfits. It wasn't out of the ordinary to have a gay photographer, but Pam was unsure if that was the case here and she didn't want to be rude. "Well, thank you. It means a lot honestly. I just don't wanna turn my back to anybody." She awkwardly laughed and looked down, "I'm sure that whatever you're uncomfortable about, looks amazing. Even if your back is turned." Now THAT was a flirt and it was clear he was saying she has a nice ass. "Oh. Well, thank you.. Again, means a lot." Pam lightly touched his forearm and patted it a few times before going over to the camera. She entertained the flirting and didn't get defensive. Perhaps it was just because, hey someone complimented her, don't be rude about it. Just accept it and move on. But as the photos were being taken, Pam felt like everyone in the room was looking at her like an object and she hated it. She hated the fact that her quirky personality was now being ignored and replaced by being looked at like a sex toy. To be honest, the shorts to this outfit were practically being swallowed by her butt, they were FAR too small for her and she knew it, hence the fear of turning her back to anyone. "Okay sweetheart, now turn around and this'll wrap up the day." The rather sweet photographer asked of her, but.. Turn AROUND!? Is he crazy!? Why would they need her to turn around.. "Uh.. No.. I'm sorry. But, just no. I don't feel comfortable with that at all." The guy nodded and smiled, "I understand love. We're all done here!" That was easy.. Pam darted back to her dressing room and sat down quickly.

The small things in life were the ones nowadays that sent Fegal into a crazed state, things like that. What just happened to Pam would have pissed him off to no end and this was the shit he worried about. It sucked, but once you feel these things there's almost nothing in the world that can ever make you feel better about things. Fergal was losing trust in the world and Pam included. He softly began to cry, all by himself. He didn't want to even leave his house when the thought hit him that his relationship was falling apart and there was nothing he could do. This was basically a free fall, and he could find no ledge to try and grab, no safety rope for him to cling onto and potentially save that which made his life complete. Pam has changed, and thus, Fergal changed as a result. He's turned more into a bitter, quiet person than he ever has been before. The feeling he had in the pit of his stomach screamed at him that she was fucking off at her photoshoot, his trust in her was almost gone, and it was all because of fight after fight, disagreement after disagreement.. Eventually? The pain becomes unbearable.. You need to be tender with other people's feelings, wants, needs.. If you don't take care of them.. You will force them away..