Turn It Up

Reach For The Sky

Silence filled the room, followed by an awkward tension that was too thick to even breathe at this point in time. Pam cautiously looked over at April who seemed to be growing more and more nervous as the seconds peeled onward. Fergal walked with Pam over to the couch and sat her down. What was going on here? Were the.. Having sex and just kind of being awkward about it? If so, then why the hell were there cookies on the coffee table.. They had to be expecting her to come.. "What is all of this, you guys?" Pam asked in a sort of nervous way, she wasn't sure if they were having her committed or not and it was weighing heavily on her conscious. "Well, we need to talk to you.. And it is kind of serious and something me and April have game planned out quite extensively." Fergal spoke as he continued to run his hand up and down Pam's back. April who was petrified of this confrontation and the potential yelling that might come, carefully walked over to Pam and wrapped her tiny arms around her, "We just love you. Okay? My little unicorn needs this.." Pam finally figured it out, this was her intervention. They were clearly setting this up to delve into the dark spots of Pam's brain and hopefully yank out all the nasty shit she has been keeping bottled up inside of there. Pam felt ashamed, how has she gotten so visibly bad with her life that it got to this point.. What went wrong with her.. She hung her head dejectedly and let out a gentle sigh. "We're not upset with you, nor do we want you to be upset about this baby girl. We really just want to help you, we see how much pain you're in, and it is so scary to sit back and just watch.. We can't do that anymore.. We care so much.. Just talk to us.. What is going on inside that cute little head of yours.." This all was too much for Pam, she shook her head from side to side and all that confidence Rebecca had just bestowed upon her was eliminated from existence. "I don't like me." Pam finally blurted out and it all became clear, it broke down to being that freaking simple. Pam didn't like herself anymore, and that could be a big factor in why she was threatened by everything with a skirt. "Babe.." April spoke quietly, "You need to try and recognize how great you are, as an individual you are such an amazing and strong young lady. I can't believe that someone like you, who has all the talent in the world, such a gigantic heart, and honestly is damn gorgeous, how can you be threatened by anything?" Pam shook her head, "Because I'm a selfish bitch." She looked up and her eyes were beat red. "NO!" April grabbed onto one of Pam's legs and tightened her grip, Fergal was.. Guilt stricken right now, was this the worst possible time to have this kind of conversation?

"What do you want to do, Pam.. We'll do anything with you and for you.. If you wanna just go off for the next fifteen minutes? Go ahead, you want this to stop? Just say the word, we wanted to make this attempt at reaching for you because we BOTH recognized how bad this is getting and we need it to stop. It isn't healthy to have thoughts like that in your head, especially when they are conjured solely by you, no one puts those ideas in your head but you. Pam, look.. I love you to the moon and back, I hate seeing you hurting like this.. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, healthy and happy.. With these thoughts? The healthy and happy part of my plan is all but impossible.." Fergal's words were hopefully going to warm Pam's icy heart and make her feel the love that he so badly trying to make her realize exists. Pam put her hand on top of April's head, "Calm down mama bear, I'm okay.." She looked over at Fergal who stared her down and she locked eyes right on his, like a heat seeking freaking missile.

"And you? I love you. I just don't want to lose you to some other girl. I even get threatened by April, who would never do such a thing to me. Y'know? I'm even worried about the friendship because I don't want you taking her from me. I am a selfish little girl at the end of the day Fergal. I really am. I want you all to myself, I want April all to myself, I just want things to myself and I don't want anyone threatening what's mine.. How do you think it feels for me to see things like that happen? You and April are really all I have left in this world. Sure I have work, and a handful of very kind people who make work fun. But at the end of the day and inside my heart? You two dominate it. And if April were to ever vanish on me someday for good? Or you find someone else better than me? I honestly don't think I'd be able to carry on Fergal. I really don't. That isn't a threat against like, my life or anything. But I really don't know if my body would be able to cope and heal from your absence, not only that. But you know every single aspect of my life, my family loves you, my life revolves around us and us alone. I'm sorry that I'm like this, and it honestly won't go away anytime soon.. You kind of knew what you were getting into when I finally had this happen. You knew from the beginning that I was somewhat damaged, we've known each other for a while, Fergal.. This is just a part of me and sure, I don't like it much. But when you've seen the things I've seen, when you've lost as I have lost.. How else am I supposed to think and feel? What am I supposed to do when I see you surrounded by beautiful girls all the time and you actually caring and being interested in them? It just. I can't deal with the thoughts you might have or not have about them. Like, you obviously like my butt.. And Lex has a big butt.. What am I supposed to think? You like outgoing personalities.. You know what I'm going to say about that one. And honestly you like being a nerd? Look at this tiny little thing attached to my leg right now. She embodies the word nerd.. Just don't get mad at me, or even understand.. That's all I have." Pam's words were a struggle, she had to search deep inside of her very core in order to fight that out. It really was painful for her to do honestly, she knew that it would sting both Fergal and April collectively at the exact same time. Pam's mind was so warped when it came to trust that it was almost as if she had none left. April slowly distanced herself from Pam, giving her some space and allowing her mind to process what she just said. In a nutshell, Pam was claiming she is selfish, and jealous over things/people that she loves with all of her heart. Which was entirely understandable. You should try to keep what's yours and not let a single goddamn person even try to take them away from you. That isn't the problem, the problem is.. There is just no lid to this.

"I wouldn't ever have sex with Fergal. First of all.. He isn't my type, no offense buddy. But I would never even do that Pammie.. And second? Leaving you and not having you in my life would be a fucking crime, you're my second life partner, honest to god I don't know what I would even begin to do without you in my day to day life. Your hugs? Mmmm those right there are better than sex." April giggled and so did Pam and Fergal. "Kidding, obviously. But seriously Pam, you need to recognize the fact that the people who you never want to lose? Are never going anywhere. The only thing I really have a problem with is that you think if me and Fergal over there get close, that he's taking me from you? I consider him a good friend, and you my sister from another mister. I can have both, if he's one of my best friends? So be it, you ARE my best friend. Got that difference? I have MANY good friends. But in my eyes? There is only ONE Pam. And that I'm so goddamn happy and proud about. I love you doll face. Please don't cry.." April breathed out.

It was clear that Pam had severe psychological scarring from her past, whether it be from friends fucking her over and leaving her to rot, or other men just getting to sleep with her and then abandoning her soon after. Pam was a damaged little sunflower and it was clear to both April and Fergal that it was time to form the 'PROTECT THIS ANGEL AT ALL FUCKING COSTS' squad. But who the captain of said group is yet to be decided. "And on my end, I chose you like April chose Charmander. I don't look at anyone else the way that I look at you, and why? Because you are the only one for me. Day in and day out I was wondering if I was the one that you thought about. Colby's interference in our relationship kind of bugged the crap out of me, but I quelled my own fears by just remembering that I'M the one who goes to bed with you at night. I'M the one who gets to grab your butt on demand. April don't even make that face." Fergal smiled over at April who was clearly joking, but acting like she was the one who had that right. "But I love you Pamela. I proposed to you in front of literally millions of people and not a second goes by that I don't remember that smile you had on your face. Don't you remember? It's why people have told me they catch you just gazing at your ring, you love me, I love you.. This is meant to be and not a single person walking god's green earth can change that. Okay? I can't have you going around feeling like this and keeping all these rotten feelings cooked up inside you like a freaking crock pot.." Sick analogy Fergal, really hammered the rotten aspect of your words. He shook his head at his own dumb line, "Honestly I've never trusted people until I met you. You showed me how to trust people. Before you? Sure I had my friends, Becks, Lexi, even your pink haired buddy. But I didn't trust them because I always had this thought that people were out to get me. And April? Ppsh, forget about it. Up until about, two days ago I thought this little jerk hated me." April then stuck her tongue out at Fergal, who promptly flipped her off and then laughed about it. "Morale of the story here is that we will never go away, unless I get eaten by a shark, or struck by lightning seven times, I'm not going. And since I hate the ocean, and I don't mess with lightning, you have NOTHING to fear, my dear. Sweet rhyme, right?" April rolled her eyes, "You're annoying. But Pam, is there anything we can do to help put bandages on this? We want to help, even though I wanna hit him with a bean bag." Fergal looked over at April and gasped, "A bean bag?! Where did that even come from! Ugh. Never mind." Fergal rubbed Pam's arm and all throughout these speeches, Pam was heavy in thought. She looked over at Fergal, then April and took it all in..

"You guys are absolutely wonderful. I just. I'm a little speechless right now and I don't even know what to think or feel besides love. I don't want you guys looking at me differently because your collective opinions are all that matters to me. I've been through some.. Crap. And now I'm feeling like I can do anything. I don't know why my emotions sky rocket and then plummet back down to the ground like that.." April's eyes widened bigger than they ever have before. She swallowed wicked hard and now she was thinking herself and it was probably going to get in trouble.. "What is it April? Why do you look like you just saw a ghost. I mean, I know you look kinda white normally, but now you're like.. Really pale like whoa.." April shook her head the entire time she was talking. "Hang on.." April sprang up to her feet and walked over to her bag, both Fergal and Pam were utterly confused by what she was doing and doing with a franticness that wasn't really welcomed. April got back and handed Pam a little card. She took it in her hand and April was waiting for her to read it.. "This to my psychiatrist.. I think you need to go see her.."