be prepared for a long ass angsty rant about life.
Everything is far too busy. I used to like busy. But now deadlines, events, the end of the freaking year seem to be moving far too quickly. Now all I want to do is sit and do nothing, but that's not possible.
This year has been both horrible and wonderful. Looking back to January is almost like looking at another life. I was far happier then. I cannot sit here and say that I'm happy. I am numb, I lay awake at night and play out all the things that could go wrong, I stand in front of mirrors at cry at my reflection.
I just want silence in my brain. I want to be happy again.
A broken heart is hard to mend. Right now it feels like the scab is being picked at constantly. Some days I'll be fine, and other days I'll see them and my whole body freezes. Having to see the person you loved with your whole heart every day is so hard. Seeing them fall in love with someone else is hard.
I've just been having a lot of feelings about not being good enough. It's not even in a violently hateful way either now. It's just my constant state of mind. I had my Cambridge interview on Wednesday, and I'm not even proud of myself, I'm just happy that the whole experience is done. Because I know I won't get an offer, I'm so fucking stupid. I was sat with all the other applicants and I knew instantly that I had no chance against any of them.
I just wish I knew what to do. I just want to go back to the way I was.
