A MAN'S SORROW CUTS DEEPER

A loneliest place of all...

So he had survived. Can thought to himself. The doctors assured him he was well enough to return to his regular life. But he knew he was not well at all. He lost his memory of the past two years. And two years is a long time to loose. It was a lost time of growth, a lost time of work, and apparently a lost time of love...

Can was lost in his thoughts. It made him angry and uneasy. Growing up he made a very conscious decision to always be in charge of his life. He trusted his luck, but he also knew that if he planned his life every step of the way, based it on his principles, then there would not ever be a chance of getting hurt. His chances of failure would be slim and second to none. He was a perfectionist who hid his heart well, and who made sure those around him only saw what he wanted them to see. So when it became apparent that he lost the memory of the two years that had passed, he felt that the control he had over his life evaporated right into thin air...

Worse yet, those around him kept revealing just how different of a person he had become. How was it possible that he trusted more? How was it possible that he became closer to his co-workers and formed friendships he would never allow himself to form out of the subconscious fear of getting hurt? How was it that he would ever, ever allow himself to take management of his father's company? And how on earth he would have ever allowed the company to go bankrupt?

Realizing he could go on and on with countless questions of what-nots, what-ifs, and why's, his only explanation to all those questions seemed to conclude themselves with only one combined answer.. SANEM. Who was she exactly to him? Tried as he might, he could not remember her. He could not figure out what she had done to make Polen so irrelevant that he left her behind? Who was she exactly that she made Emre, Aziz, and especially Hüma speak so lovingly and so highly of her? And what power had she over his heart, and Hüma's heart, that she somehow helped in reuniting them and melting Hüma's heart? He found he still did not trust Hüma, but she seemed different somehow. Sincere, if it were possible. How much of that was Sanem's influence? He could not say, but he felt it somehow...

The Can he felt deep inside was a reserved and stoic Can. No unnecessary emotions, no excess moments of happiness and joy. He had closed himself off to the outside world. No one had known how lonely he felt now. Not even Aziz Bey. He made it his goal to not show to Aziz Bey just how much he was hurting. A place in his heart felt an unimaginable void. He could not describe it. It was as if his heart found itself in the loneliest place of all. He yearned to reach out to someone. But hadn't had the courage to stretch out his hand to Sanem. And the fact that he thought of loss of his courage baffled him even more. He, Can Divit, allowed himself to somehow be deprived of his courage? Stripped down of his strength?

He could not understand what happened to him in the time he had lost. He felt the same as two years ago. But somehow he kept finding he did not feel whole. So he chose to close himself off to those around him. But as much as he tried, this Sanem Aydin kept finding loopholes in each door he build up. She kept coming by his office, kept creeping up in his h thoughs. And with all honesty he swore to himself she made days seem interesting. And this made him curious. She offered her book to him, asked him to read. How intriguing it made him feel that a book lover himself, he fell in love with a woman who wrote a book herself? Most of all, wrote a book about him and their love?

He tried to remember her, with all of his mind. And nothing came up, not even a smidge. Sanem reopened the agency, gifted him her book, but nothing on earth was jiving his memories. So he thought if there was a reason why his memory left him? Was it too painful? Was it too raw? And then, when he began to loose hope, Sanem took him to the embankment of Bosphorus. Place so familiar to him, he could sketch it with his eyes closed. But she made it seem there was more to this place. It signified a place close to their love. And again, his heart felt perplexed. For no memories came to him. The uneasiness in his heart went up to his mind. And he could no longer control it. He left filled with anger. And then, he stopped. The instant flash of a single memory played before his very eyes. A foggy image, yet a real one nonetheless. They argued, just as now. And that tiny moment made his heart stop his feet from taking any more steps away from Sanem. He called out her name, in a different voice so it seemed. Her heart felt it, and so did his.

He played it so that she would think he did not remember, but he most certainly did. And for now he would hold on to that first sign of their love. He hoped more of it would come to him. He would fight for it and for that love, if it was the last thing he did...