THE MAFIA'S BEAUTY

Chapter 42

I sat eyes cast down my hands playing with the hem of my dress shifting none stop where I sat lip between my teeth soon to bleed looking at the way I bit down on it. Mt heart was drumming, a thousand elephants on my chest weighing me down my palms sweating even with the cold air in the room my eyes snapping up only to shy away back down.

I was nervous, I was beyond nervous literally having a break down my mind just a second away from leaping up and start pacing. I could hear the sound as his fingers met the keys only for it to drift away knowing he was reading in full concentration. My mouth opened only to close like a fish out of water cursing myself over and over again in my head the confidence having left me leaving me sitting here about to die from panic.

It was simple really, all that was needed for me to open my mouth and speak then the rest would follow. The night had chased the day away with him buried in work and me for once not even wanting to think about it giving myself the sure overdue one day leave of absence. I shook my head this not being me at all, I spoke my mind and was not scared of simple conversations yet here I was sweating like a pig just a second away from heaving.

"What is it?" His voice came my body jumping up in fright a shaky breath escaping me my eyes drifting to him finding his eyes still on his laptop not even sure he spoke. I swallowed knowing that this was my chance to talk yet scared shitless not knowing how he would react.

"Can we talk?" I asked my eyes on him his still stuck on that screen a second passing by then another before his eyes snapped up to me my face pale for sure my hands under my butt to hide how shaky they were. His eyes lingered on me for a few seconds before he closed the laptop placing it next to him in the couch his eyes drawing back to me again as I took a breath not knowing how to say this or where to even start.

"Come here," His voice was low yet clear and deep sending a shiver down my spine dirty thoughts poisoning my mind this definitely not the time to think such impure things my cheeks turning red by the second as I stood up eyes on my feet walking up to him getting the and straddling, sitting on him my legs immediately going behind his waist while his hands went around my waist drawing me in. I sat there him so close I could see every single line on his face my eyes on his my heart skipping a beat staring at my beautiful monster. I wanted to kiss him, forget all the pain and let him take me right here right now. The offer seemed to tempting my eyes drifting to his luscious lips just waiting for me to claim.

I shook my head in thought pulling away from the feelings that now had my nipples hard missing his touch, wanting for him to just pop them in his mouth and give a little bite. Lord, I was not helping myself sighing blinking away the thought my eyes flickering back to him to find him still watching me with his neutral face embarrassment eating me away as I cleared my throat not even that helping.

"You keep looking at me like that I will bend you over the table and fuck you hard."

I could not hide it, could not hide it away from him my face just giving me away as I came undone already feeling the bulge in his pants so near to me own wet folds. I took a deep breath trying to collect myself but it was getting worse by the second every single part of my body awake and needing wishing I could turn it off but how could I when it felt so good. My hands were placed on his chest feeling the hard muscles underneath the fabric biting my lip harder knowing that this was not the time for this thinking about the conversation we were about to have that bring me down like a glass of ice water.

" I want to......" trailed off not knowing how to put this my heart now drumming from my throat his eyes on me not even daring to snap away making me even more nervous brushing up and down his nape as a destruction my heart on my sleeves taking a deep breath ready to give it a second go.

"I just wanted to clear what our relationship was, uumm....." Wanted to continue not wanting to leave it there yet not knowing what to add on my eyes casting away from him not wanting to see his face on how he would react. Silence was all that followed stretching out to the point where I could not hide away anymore my eyes trailing back to his face finding it stone cold he seeming to be in thought analysing something in his head. My heart went frantic seconds passing away with nothing said panic leaving my chest clenching wishing I would have not opened my mouth, wishing could have just went with the flow. What confirmation did I need? Why could I not be happy with how good things were? I knew before he even spoke my heart shattering away into a million pieces trying to stay strong it not working for me my body already shaking.

"I like you little bird, like you a lot but I don't think this is going to work, I just don't feel anything beyond that." He said his eyes on my face saying it all with a straight face as I tried to hold my own but failing everything just there for him to see the tears shimmering in my eyes my heart as if breaking over and over again this sharp pain shooting through my heart.

I took a sharp intake of air my chest seeming to be closing in trying so hard to hold the tears in but failing.

Men are trash, final!

His words kept ringing in my head over and over again my thoughts drifting off to the previous night we had, thinking of how I had opened to him in a way I had never did to anyone else giving him my all but I guess I was crazy to think I would be enough. I shook my head not wanting to say the words fighting so hard to keep them in biting my tongue so hard a tear sliding down followed by another quick to wipe them away my lower lip quivering the pain seeming to be too much to bare at this point.

"You still love her don't you?" My mouth betrayed me, the words slipping through my tongue leaving it burning more tears spilling out too hurt to wipe them away my whole body shaking so badly eyes on his barely seeing anything with the pool of tears yet his silence speaking louder than any words he could have said turning my world upside down not wanting to fall apart in front of him, not wanting him to see how deep the cut was.

I knew I was partly to blame, I knew it, I knew it and there I was throwing myself at him, there I was falling in love. The truth was he was not mine, he was never mine. None of this was. I wore her clothes, slept in her bed and here I was in the arms of a man who would never be mine. I could not think, could not see or even hear everything just spinning away my world crushing down my legs untangling from his waist as I slipped from him standing on my two feet stumbling as I stood. My arms wrapped around me hating this, it felt as if someone had just took my heart and threw it against the wall shaking as I stepped away needing to get away from him, needing to get away from everything wanting to scream and shout. I wanted to cry so loud for the whole world to hear how torn I was walking out barely seeing anything my feet carrying me to the door that led to my room yet my feet faltered. This was not my room, I did not have a room. I had nothing, I had nothing.

The sob broke through me turning around trying to find a place I could go, trying to see where I belonged more tears pouring out making everything blurry. My knees shook my body slumping against the wall sliding down until I hit the ground weeping my heart out. I could not understand, could not understand he could do this. He had said.....he had said.....

He had said nothing.

There was nothing he said while I on the other hand poured my heart out to him. He had never said anything, never said he loved me, and never said he wanted me. Nothing. Was I just a means for release? But had I not been the one who basically threw herself at him? The pain hit hard knowing I was to blame for this my teeth chattering as I cried my heart out shivering in the floor hating myself, hating myself for being so easy and stupid.

I just could not understand how he could say that, thought he loved me, thought he did not want to lose me.