𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐔𝐒 | 𝐑𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐁𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐧.【𝗘𝗡𝗚𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗛 𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡】

𝟒𝟔. 𝐂𝐑𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄.

Reiner Braun.

As much as I expected my plan to fail, I still can't believe we've lost our chance to capture Eren and finally return home. I feel really rubbish and irresponsible. I exposed Annie to enormous risk, any more and she would have been captured by the Survey Corps had it not been for the Female Titan's ability to summon other Titans with her scream. I don't know how we're going to do it now that everyone already knows about a traitor inside the walls, it'll only be a matter of time before they get to Annie and finally me and Bertolt. I should have imagined that everything would get out of control the moment Mikasa and Captain Levi got together, after all, they are both descendants of the Ackerman Clan, however... What really surprised me is that they weren't the ones who managed to rip Eren out from Annie's mouth and knock her over, leaving her completely defenseless. It was Mavie. How did she get it? I honestly couldn't believe it when I found out.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw the captain appear with Mavie in his arms, her face bloodied and unconscious. I felt my entire body freeze at the thought of the possibility of her being dead, however it wasn't anything bad I was thinking, she was just injured, but not as badly as it looked. There was a cut on her forehead, so all that blood, I imagine she fell, got injured with her blades or any other kind of slip that she always used to make during training with the use of three-dimensional maneuvering equipment. I wanted to be there to keep her away from Annie and her attacks, but if I did, she'd have reason to kill Mavie without leaving a trace of the girl behind and I couldn't allow that… I couldn't.

Now, we're both here, again, in our dorm. Mavie hadn't wanted to talk from the moment she woke up, she hadn't even wanted to see her friends and her brother, she'd just been lying there ever since, thinking about who knows what. I don't know what's on your mind, in fact, I've never known what could be on anyone else's head, I don't even know what's on mine. She looks sad and thoughtful, but I can't tell if she's just sad or if she's also shocked about something, the last time we talked was when I saw her together with Armin. I confess that their conversation put me on alert and I even thought about things I shouldn't, like killing them both and pretending they were killed by titans. Both are smart, it was obvious that they would be one of the first to realize that the Female Titan was also controlled by a human, just like Eren.

Things got out of hand, and it's nobody else's fault and none other than mine, I know that. Marcel would know what to do, Pig too, now I... I don't know. Annie could have been captured and we would all have been discovered, all for a stupid plan that I thought would work. Hell, where was my head? Everything started to go off the rails the moment we lost Marcel and I decided to take over as leader, I'm sure everything would have been better if Bertholdt or Annie had done this, or... If I had accepted the idea of ​​aborting the mission and immediately return to Marley once the Jaw has been eaten.

Shit, I don't know what I should do now. I fucked up everything. I fucked up the plan, fucked up my fellow warriors, fucked up my fellow soldiers, fucked up Mavie... I'm an idiot. Thinking about the thousands of possibilities of bad things that can happen over time are only making me more disturbed with ideas, I no longer know who I am and what my real goal here is. Reclaim the Founder and end the Eldians' bad reputation, or continue pretending to be someone I'm not to impress everyone? I don't even feel like taking this drug anymore and going back home, the only thing I want is to stay here, in Paradis, where I'm accepted and loved by everyone. How could I have imagined that it would be here, on "Island of Demons" that I would know what it feels like to love and be loved? Now, I look at her, Mavie, so quiet and downcast... I just feel like crap for all the bad I've done to her, and she doesn't even know it.

My desire is to abandon the mission, speak the truth and lighten this weight on my conscience, then do everything possible and the impossible so that Mavie can forgive me for all the lies I told her and our friends, because I know that , after everything that would happen, she would be the only one who could look me in the eyes and say: "I forgive you", however, I know this is asking too much. I don't think she could forgive me for killing her mother and, indirectly, being responsible for her father's disappearance. I love her, I really love her, but I won't be able to bear the fact that I'll be hated until the end of my life by the only person who really loved me... That's a burden I couldn't keep with myself. I'd rather she die before finding out the truth. It seems selfish, however, that's what I want. I want her to die... But at the same time, I want her here.