𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐔𝐒 | 𝐑𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐁𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐧.【𝗘𝗡𝗚𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗛 𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡】

𝟒𝟖. 𝐃𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐀𝐋 𝐀𝐍𝐃, 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘, 𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄.

Mavie Jaeger.

Two days have passed since Armin and I talked to Hange and Levi about Annie, and the only thing I've been able to feel since then is a sinking feeling in my chest, like I'm the traitor. I know it's silly to be like this because of this discovery, but... Annie was still my colleague, after all. We never had a long conversation, we were always distant from each other and we exchanged a few words every now and then, I shouldn't be feeling this way. Oh God, why do I have to be so emotional? I wish I didn't have to find out Leonhart's true identity so soon... Or rather, I didn't wish I had because, maybe, I wouldn't be so distressed. Worst of all, I can't talk about it with anyone, not even Reiner, and damn, they came from the same place… I imagine this will come as quite a shock to him when our suspicions about her are confirmed.

I look across the room and take in Reiner's empty bed, feeling my heart sink. That same bad feeling I get every time before something horrible happens… Something tells me that our plan will backfire once we find Annie. I get up from my bed and walk to the window, then look up at the sky and stare at the clouds, thinking about everything that has happened in the last few years.

The years went by too fast, so fast that I didn't even have time to digest everything that had happened in the last five years. I feel like everything is so recent. The only thing I wanted at that moment was to talk to Dad, he would know how to help me with all these psychological problems I've acquired over the years. He always knew how to help me in general, actually. Sometimes I end up fantasizing about some older men I meet on the streets, but not erotic fantasies, I just imagine myself having a father-daughter relationship with them, a relationship that I was prevented from continuing to develop years ago. I miss a father figure in my life, that's all.

I also miss my mom, we were pretty close to each other and we were almost always talking about something silly and random, but it's not the same thing.

I loved her, loved her so much that her loss hurt like a thousand knives pierced my chest countless times without pause, yet since we've heard from our father, it's as if a part of me has ceased to exist. Grisha was more than my father, he was my best friend, my confidant. I trusted him with my eyes closed and my hands tied. However, since he disappeared, I haven't been able to pull myself together. I tried, I swear I tried, but I can't. Grief is said to have five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, and I feel like I haven't gotten past the first stage, denial.

Years ago he was reported missing by the Military Police, and I know that they only told us that he is "disappeared" so they didn't tell the two children that their father, the only family he had left, died. However, I cannot accept this fact. I can not. No way. Something inside me tells me he's alive and he needs help, I don't know how, but he is. I want to look for him, and as soon as I find him, I'm going to hug him and never let go. But... That's immature of me, I think... If he were alive, he would have been looking for us long ago and would be taking care of the three of us, he wouldn't have let us risk our lives as many times as we've done in the last few months. I just wanted him here, with me, to hug me, kiss my forehead and then tell him that it's going to be okay, that I don't need to cry or feel bad, like he used to when I was still a naive and innocent child, that did not know the evil of the world.

Every time I look in the mirror, I see how time has moved me, whether physically or psychologically. When I was younger, despite being quite shy about getting involved with other kids, I used to be lively and playful, but of course, only in the presence of Eren, Mikasa and Armin; I was also fuller, I had a very chubby face and was strong, now... I'm completely changed. Sunken eyes, huge dark circles, too thin body, thin and brittle hair, poor mental health. And I know, it looks like cocaine, but it's just sadness.