𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐔𝐒 | 𝐑𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐁𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐧.【𝗘𝗡𝗚𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗛 𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡】

𝟕𝟑. 𝐍𝐎 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐆𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒.

"In the early hours of this Friday, the young woman convicted of the murder of Erwin Smith, known as Mavie Jaeger, was found lifeless in her cell. The cause of her death was asphyxiation, and everything indicates that the girl committed suicide."

Mavie Jaeger.

The news about my death was published in the newspaper, which was clearly false. However, only a select group of people were aware of this, and despite the reported lie, it was still shocking news for them. From the palace tower, I watched people with their newspapers, celebrating my supposed suicide, claiming that I, as a damned traitor and murderer, was finally burning in hell where I deserved to be. It was frustrating to watch all that celebration, knowing that I was also instrumental in retaking Wall Maria and saving my brother on several occasions. However, they don't see it. I wondered if I hadn't been enough, if I hadn't done enough for them and myself. I understood, however, that these were decisions I made alone, whether it was shooting Erwin or faking my own death. When I look at the consequences of these decisions, questions about my current behaviors invade my mind.

Since my childhood, I believed that people wouldn't like me for who I am. This trust issue, unfortunately, was compounded during my teen years, when I enlisted for cadet training, where I met Reiner and other colleagues. However, I realized that no one really hated or repulsed me, as I had imagined. In fact, I wasn't even noticed in the environment I was in, I was just another person in the crowd. People ignored me and only spoke to me to ask about Eren or Mikasa, which made the other cadets remember my existence in a fake way. However, today I feel foolish for having thought like that, deprived myself and belittled myself so much. It wasn't people who hated me, it was me. I myself hated myself and distanced myself from them, even though they had no desire for me. Now, unlike then, I understand the true meaning of being hated. I feel in my skin the discomfort of the mean and hateful looks that are directed at me. The pain is real, and it is very intense.

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm dead, not literally, but a part of me died the moment I realized I was never going to have a normal life again. I am destined to remain in the shadows, hidden like an animal. I try not to show what I really feel, but it's hard to hide the fear I feel and how terrifying it all has been. Every night I've been restraining myself from screaming and destroying everything around me. I remember everything I've been through and how I was affected by it, without my parents' help to comfort me. I feel alone again, without support. The pain of loneliness can be worse than the physical pain I've suffered from all the beatings I've suffered. I can't show what I feel, because all this is condemned to remain a secret, confined in my own soul. With each passing day, I feel more alone, more abandoned, with no one to comfort me or ease the load of sadness that I carry. This is my sentence, to live in melancholy, lost in my own shadows, forever.

I took a deep breath and swallowed the tears, replacing my sad face with a neutral one, without showing anything that I really felt, as if a mask was there, preventing people from knowing how all that affected me and drove me crazy more and more. I turned around and saw both Captain Levi and the three commanders of our Isle of Paradis armed forces, Hange Zöe, Dot Pixis and Nile Dawk. The three of them watched me seriously, while Hange had a bit of concern in his eyes. I walked over to them and sat next to them at the table, placing my two hands on it, then looking into each of their eyes, and finally fixing my gaze only on Levi's, who did the same.

The tension between the two of us was noticeable, as he seemed to be closer to Erwin than anyone present. I was never sure what kind of relationship the two had, whether they were best friends or something beyond that, and I never bothered to question or investigate. However, I knew that the commander was important enough to Levi that he completely ignored me, as if everything that had happened between the two of us over the last few months had never happened. I feel bad for losing your trust and concern for me. I confess that I would like to have him back, as in those days when he took care of me with so much zeal and attention, like a worried father takes care of his little son. Though his words sounded cold and his answers were short and blunt, still, I felt comforted by him, somehow. For all that it cost me, the loss of Levi's care and concern hurts more than losing what I had left of freedom.