𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐔𝐒 | 𝐑𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐁𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐧.【𝗘𝗡𝗚𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗛 𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡】

𝟗𝟏. 𝐈'𝐌 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐓 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐔𝐒.

Mavie Jaeger.

It's been about four days since Sasha's wake and burial. Zeke was taken by Levi to the forest, Gabi and Falco were in Military Police custody, while I... well, I've been indulging in alcohol ever since. I didn't see Hunter, I didn't speak to Eren again, and I didn't even bother offering my condolences to the Blouse family; all I wanted was to be alone and ponder how to deal with the damn problem growing inside me. How could I be so careless? Curse. A pregnancy at this moment was everything I least wanted, another child in this decadent world was what I least needed right now. Floch will obviously be happy and will definitely welcome me, but... it's still strange. I still remember how terrible my first pregnancy was, how I suffered and how lonely I was for eight whole months. And now, here I am, pregnant again. What a curse. Another one who will carry this damn surname? Hell, I'd say.

My mind is still in turmoil from what I did to Kateryna Kovalev... the more I seek peace, the more confusion I cause and the more blood I spill, and in the end I ask myself: is it worth it? Will the blood that stains my hands, the screams that echo in my mind and the tears that I shed and make shed be worth it in the end? I, who is me, who knows myself more than anyone else, no longer recognizes myself. I don't know who I am, nor what purpose I have, after all. Ymir said to never give up on my dreams... what dreams? I never had them. And why did I join the Survey Corps? To be close to my brother, nothing more.

Avenge my mother? Nonsense. Eliminate all our enemies, whether titans or an enemy nation? This dream is not mine. Never was. It never will be. It's what Eren wants, it's what he wants... and me? I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am, nor what I want. I have my son to raise, I have Hunter, my boy and my baby, the only good thing in my life, and I can't even look into the eyes of my own son, who came from me, who was created in my womb, without feeling hatred towards him. myself, without feeling anger, without feeling love for him, who is not to blame for my mistakes or the sins that Reiner or I committed. In the end... maybe I'm the worst person on the face of the earth. I ended up becoming equal to or worse than those who live beyond the walls. What would my father say when he saw me like this? Would he still love me? Or did you ever love me? Or were we all just pieces on a board to achieve the freedom of the people of Eldia? Every day, every minute and every second, I feel more and more corroded.

Maybe in another universe, things would be simpler. Perhaps in another universe, I would enjoy the tranquility of a stable life, a comfortable home and a conventional family. Maybe in another universe, Reiner and I could have stayed together, away from all this mess, just the two of us, our son... and the one to come, or not. But it's not like that. If we had had the opportunity to be happy, this child in my womb would not be developing now, because... I would never have gotten involved with Floch in search of comfort, of solace, of a physical warmth that satisfies temporarily, but not emotionally... maybe in another universe... maybe... maybe... maybe... I live only on unrealized possibilities, on "what if" and "maybe", nothing is certain and nothing is definitive. Maybe in another universe, I would be more assertive. Maybe in another universe, I could be an ordinary person.

I wish I had done more, known myself better, taken better care of myself instead of ending up where I am now. Sitting at a bar table in an underground city, with my face flushed from the excess alcohol I consumed, my mind immersed in tumultuous thoughts and my head throbbing with pain from the guilt of having taken the life of a pregnant woman and, consequently, the of your unborn baby. I also blame myself for Sasha being hit by a shot that was obviously intended for me, guilty for having witnessed Falco's terrified look, the despair and fear in Gabi's eyes, and the disdain in the way those who used to be my "friends" addressed me before isolating me again.

I felt a strong slap on my head and I gritted my teeth, clenching my fists and removing my gun from my waist, immediately pointing it at the person, until I came across Commander Nile Dawk looking at me seriously. I sighed and put my gun away again, burying my face in the table and motioning for the bar owner to bring me another bottle, which he promptly did when he recognized the Military Police commander next to me.