547 days

Tuesday 3rd January 2023

Shall I start these journals with dear diary?

I'll try it out for today because I used to write a diary during high school for a few years and addressed it as 'dear diary' and ended it with 'bye diary'

Dear diary,

I did manage to fall back asleep although it took a while. I was so nervous with uni work I could feel my heart pounding but I calmed down and fell asleep. I had a dream of my grandad last night, my grandad on my dads side. He passed away last year. I was really close with him even though I barely saw him. The last time I saw him (which was a few months before he passed away) I made sure I voice recorded nearly all of our conversations. Some of them are an hour long. I walked with him in his garden and I took videos of him. It's like I somehow knew it would be the last time I'd see him. I think he was 91 years old when he passed. He did a lot of things and I always loved hearing his stories and how he drove to Germany. I think I was actually making a silent prayer for him when I woke up at 6am and fell asleep whilst I was praying lying in bed. I think I prayed that he's at peace and happy wherever he is over there on the other side. I miss him and it's made me a bit sad and now I'm crying. I'd do anything to hear his voice properly and not through a voice recording. He used to call me Assal which means honey in Farsi. He always used to say I was sweet like honey, actually he would say I'm sweeter than honey. I think out of all his grandkids, me and him had the closest bond, I was always interested in what he had to say and I would stay up listening to his stories even if I was tired because I knew I'd never get that time back. I can hear his voice in my head right now as I type this with tears down my cheeks, great start to the morning lol. I feel like if he didn't smoke as much as he did, he would probably still be here, but death is inevitable, it'll greet us all one day. In Islam, there's the angel of death called Hazrat Izraeel (hazrat means prophet) and if you were a good person then he comes in a beautiful form and good smelling but if you were a bad person, he comes in a terrifying way and bad odour. They also say your soul leaving your body when you die is one of the most painful processes of death. They always say deen over dunya. Basically means faith over the pleasures of this world. And the severity of pain when disconnecting  your soul from this earth depends on how invested you were in this world. There's a story that one of the prophets (I think it was Moses but I can't remember) he prayed to God to make his disconnection pain free and even then, it was slightly painful for him and he was a good man.
I don't know why I randomly came onto this topic.

I called o2 this morning and as soon as I got through to a person to speak to, they cut me off so I had to call again. Luckily (alhamdulilah) it didn't get cut off the second time and we cancelled the contract. Well, the lady said it'll only be cancelled when you use your PAC number in the new sim. They were trying to get me to upgrade or get one of their sim deals but I stuck to my guns and said no. I did have a look at the upgrade options like the new iPhone but I wouldn't be able to pay for it myself right now and I don't want my dad to either. I want my phone and my own sim.
So I ordered the SIM card today, and when it arrives I'll hopefully pay for it. Any person would love for their dad to pay for it and honestly I appreciate him insisting but in my circumstance, I'd like to pay for it myself.
Lorenz offered to pay for it, i think I mentioned this the other day in one of my journals. The hard thing with him is, he offers. He doesn't actually say I'll do it. Don't get me wrong I don't mean to sound ungrateful, the fact that he offers means a lot to me, but I'm not the type of person to be like oh yeah sure I'd like you to pay for it. But If he was like, no I'm definitely going to pay for it and you can't say anything, then I'd be like okay fine you can pay for it. But even then I'd feel bad. When someone offers, I never really accept their offer, it feels so rude to do that, maybe it's the way I've been brought up or maybe it's just natural to feel like that. But anyways I think that'll arrive through the post within the next few days so I can start using that. I don't need 30gb in all honesty, I could have got an even cheaper one but I thought to be on the safe side if I ever find myself without wifi.