547 days

Tuesday 17th January 2023

Dear diary,

This should go under Monday 16th January as I'm writing this at 10pm on Monday night but I felt like that diary page was too crowded. Just wanted to say it was a good day today. In all aspects. Good day and night.

And one word: FOREHEAD KISSES!!! More specifically, HIS forehead kisses. Him. All him. Him him him. Him ALL day. I love his hugs, his cuddle in greggs I could have fallen asleep standing up lol idk what it is but you have to feel safe with someone and I don't know how to explain it but I feel so safe and at peace with him. His goofiness.
- 22:07pm (Monday night) also I'm shattered gonna go sleep.

——
Cannot be bothered for today at all. - 7:11am

My body hurts all over today. Bruises on my leg and lower back from where I was sat. And I have the period breast pain, it's so painful. 😩😩

—— I'm done for the day with my patients. Honey has the afternoon patients. I'm really tired and want to go home. I've had lunch, and my body aches so much I have bruises everywhere even on my ankles, lower body, my hand, literally everywhere hurts. - 12:58pm. I can't tell if I've caught a cold.

—- I WANNA GO HOME AND SLEEP IM SO TIRED. I have a lot on my mind too. - 15:10pm

——
I have one covid test at home. I didn't know how many I had and my mums text to me was "I don't know" but in Farsi. What if I did have covid as I had a temp on Monday and a temp today, I took my temp at placement and it was there plain and clear I had a fever both days. One test wouldn't have been enough.
I'm negative alhamdulilah.
A lot of good things were said and a lot of things that made me feel awful about myself. I'm just upset to the point I don't want to write on here. It wasn't an excuse to see him, I even asked my supervisor at the end of the day if she could give me covid tests and they said they don't do it. I'd love to see him any chance I'd get anyway and sometimes it feels like he doesn't feel that way about me.

I feel like everyone views me as this dumb stupid girl that somehow made it to where I am in life like it's somehow a miracle I got here.
And maybe it is. Maybe I really am dumb and stupid and have got nothing going for me.

I pray my period comes tomorrow because I don't even know why I'm crying so much.

He said we aren't really serious until we can fully do stuff without sneaking around and that shocked me. What have we been this entire time then? The only way we can be serious if I move out and or if we live together. Like he doesn't view me as something serious? Like what?

I think I'm just very very confused right now. I don't even know what to think or what to feel, like I'm even confused about how to feel what I'm feeling or think. I feel muddled.

He always tells me to voice note him whenever and he will get back to me or listen when I can and now I'm confused.

I wish I wasn't so sad. I feel like a mess. I've been looking forward to sleeping all day, and now I can't. I'm not even gonna tell honey anything tomorrow. Everything's fine. Another reason why I keep everything to myself. There's so much I keep to myself, things I don't even write in here.

Anyways I'm done. I do wish I took my water bottle from his car though lol. It's cute he had that for me, if it was for me anyway.

I feel so sad. I'm still crying lol. Been crying for 15 mins lmao. I think I need a break.
22:02pm