547 days

Wed

Will write about yesterday later.

I. Am. So. Horniiiii. This. Week.
I'm trying so hard not to sort myself out. It's so frustrating😭 I wish he'd initiate some cheeky texts like we used to back in the day.

The flashbacks I get randomly, like I got one today in uni. Glad I wasn't wearing skinny jeans today.
I'm hoping this valentines weekend is calm and chill and we can be cute and romantic with each other. I don't really want to go for food. I mean yeah I want food but it could literally be a small cafe. I know we haven't been to a restaurant in a while, but i wanted to go to the beach this weekend and im not even a beach person. But it started raining today so im not sure what the weather is gonna be like. I want to just chill somewhere. Calm. Cute. Hand in hand. Forehead kisses. Actual kisses. He hasn't pinned me against a wall in so long, he used to do that so much and kiss me hard. I want him to pin me. Lift me up. Maybe it's my fault because I kept saying not in public but I take it back. I wouldn't mind him doing more stuff in public.

I don't have much of an appetite lately. I didn't eat dinner yesterday. I went to bed on an empty stomach although I did eat salad.

I had a fruit salad today and I bought Spanish veg rice from uni today. But I haven't been eating much. I should be eating more . I'm craving more sweet food, a tell tale sign I'm gonna be on.

This is an actual thing although a lot of women feel horny after their period. My friends like that. I haven't noticed feeling horny after my period, maybe sometimes but defo a week before.

I want us to bond this weekend. To feel like he's my best friend, someone I can be weird with, someone who can be hyper with me, someone I can sit in silence with and it not be awkward. Someone I can joke with. Someone who understands my mind.

I bought my mum flowers today. For V day. I always get her something for V day. I saw my snap memories yesterday and every v day for the last five years I've got her Gucci perfume or 50 red roses and just other stuff. I'm a very affectionate and giving person. She loved the flowers and pulled me in for a hug. I'm not asking Lorenz to get me anything but it's nice to be treated. He says he can't get me anything anymore cos my parents will find out but they literally won't it's only cos I thought they knew about the other stuff. Like i said, I never ask for anything but that's not to mean I don't like to be surprised from time to time.

I remember when my one friend said to me last year that she felt so sexually frustrated that she cried because it was so overpowering and she couldn't use much like she's got some stuff to help her out and now I get her. I always thought how could you be that sexually frustrated to the point you cry but my hormones are raging this week. Maybe not to the point I cry but I get where she was coming from.

15:51pm

——
Still haven't ate dinner, all I've done is snacked. Intense food cravings, normally I get the cravings a day before but I think the hormonal imbalance is hitting me harder this week. It's so difficult to explain to the oppposite gender how it feels to have period cravings. Like it's literally like I NEED THIS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW. I'd be a fatty pregnant woman lol. Kinda can't wait to have kids inshAllah one day. I can't wait to be a mum. Id like to at around 25 inshAllah.
I joke about having kids now but that's just the baby fever talking lol. I'd like to be financially ready before I have kids although my parents will always support me as long as they're here. But if it did happen accidentally, I'd have to think extremely hard about it before I make any decisions. But anyway lol there's a long way until then.

Sometimes I imagine what mine and Lorenz baby would look like. Would they have my curly hair (I had really tight curls as a baby until the age of like 5, my mum was just talking about this to me yesterday, she's like it's weird how your curls have turned into waves.) or would they have his straight hair? Would it be dark hair or slightly light? Would they have my skin complexion or his? Or like caramilk? My eyes or his? It's cool thinking about it. I hope my baby has his strength. Both mentally and physically, his ability to not grow cold despite him having his actual daughter taken away from him. I've tried to prove to him that I'd never hurt him, not intentionally anyway. I'm trying to prove to him that I have a good heart and I'll try to treat him right to the best of my ability. Hopefully he knows that.

Just got off the phone with Lorenz, so sweet.
I'm glad he feels like he can talk to me about things. I'll always listen. It's what I do best besides talking and reading. I gave my It starts with us book to my friend today and I told her to treat it likes it's my baby lol I love my books.

It's my sisters bday tomorrow. It's just another day I guess :/ think I'm meeting Ilham tomorrow.

I'm getting major flashbacks from Friday. I hate my hormones and my brain. I feel like a 15 year old boy going through puberty 😭

——

I want to change Lorenz name and Ilham name.
Lorenz is now Ayrton and Ilham is Iris.

I also didn't tell Ayrton about the creepy men yesterday. Was terrified. It was a bad area. A drug deal was happening right in front of me and then these men decided to straight up say what they wanted from me. Imagine Broad daylight , I didn't interact or engage with them. Nothing. But some men are dirty and see women as sex objects. I freeze when I get scared, scared in the sense that I'm gonna get touched. Idk why I just freeze. But I managed to divert and speed walk. They were high on something so they couldnt move. Gave me comfort. It's sad because I wanted to take Ayrton to that chaiiwala cos it's so much better, but I'd wanna avoid that specific street and maybe ask him to park his car somewhere else. I was gonna tell him last night and was debating saying it today. But it's whatever. This is why I believe it when in Islam, God says men are the providers and protectors of women. Your partner is meant to make you feel safe. And I feel that way around him. If he was with me , those men would never have said what they did.

I'm still feeling very spicy. I don't really like "sorting myself out" but it's becoming so much I have that little heartbeat. I keep thinking of Ayrton too. I hate my hormones.
He mentioned the crymax thing and urgh it's like I can feel that feeling.
cold shower