547 days

Morning

Dear diary,

Where to begin.

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I ended up staying behind the morning lecture yesterday to speak to Peter about my presentation and he was so lovely he keeps confusing my name with honeys name though and then he randomly said he's hurt his thumb when gardening and I had a look at it and tried to diagnose him with arthritis. Bear in mind, Peter is a retired GP😭😂 so he was like no it's not arthritis lol. Anyways I did my presentation and I sat next to this girl I've started to become close to in uni. We made plans to do something this Friday but I don't see it happening lol. But she's just like me in the sense that she's really touchy and affectionate so she was holding my hand. I'm not sure which country she's from I think it's Korea but she's so sweet.

Anyways, on the drive back from uni, honey was trying to make me laugh cos I cried on the drive to uni. And honestly you know when you're laughing with your friends and then one of you keeps saying something and the joke goes on forever and you're both laughing until it's silent like nothing can escape your mouth. Like silent laughter basically. This girl kept adding in a joke and I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself 😂😂😂 it was about something so stupid too lol she laughed so hard she got hiccups😂 but I actually thanked her for making me laugh because at one point, I literally paused because I felt like I was gonna cry. And I realised it's because I cried so much these last few days that it felt SO UNNATURAL to laugh, and my body wanted to cry because it didn't know how to react to me being happy. It was so strange.

I asked her to drop me off at my house and she said is it because Costa reminds you of A? And I was like yeah I didn't wanna say anything. Plus I said I've just started my period and I hate walking when I'm on. But I did say everything in Costa reminds me of him.

I forgot to mention, I am craving a cookie dough so bad lately, I asked A to order one for me to my house the other day but I don't think he caught on so I never got to eat it. So on the drive back I told honey shall we get cookie dough as she's on her period too. It's really funny because it's true what they say about girls syncing up periods, three of us now have our periods around the same time, between the 5 of us in our uni friendship group, 3 of us is on lol. But anyways and then I said to honey actually I don't want to go to sprinkles cos it reminds me of A, I loved that memory of me and A in sprinkles he pulled me into him and kissed me. And I was surprised was honey said after that but she said to be honest, sprinkles kinda reminds me of A too because it's around the corner to where we met him and got in his car. I was like yeah...

So we decided against it for the time being lol but I even told her I wouldn't have been able to eat it anyway. I didn't have an appetite at all yesterday, I didn't eat anything at all I was just sipping on water. But I felt myself becoming so weak especially cos I'm on my period right now as well.

When I came home. I went to my room, and that's when the emptiness hit me. Like I had distracted myself with friends and uni all day and I was dreading going home. I broke down in my room. It was awful. But I still managed to get things done but I did it whilst crying 😂 so I had to wash my underwear because I stupidly decided to wear white underwear yesterday and they were new so I bleached it and washed it and got rid of the blood stain, and then I sat in the garden for HOURS, I called one of my uni friends who I would consider a close friend at this point and I spoke to her for 2 hours and 31 minutes. She was lovely. I felt so much better after, it was so cold and dark outside too but I felt so peaceful. My friend was begging me to eat something she was like it's not good to be on your period and doing uni work and not eat anything so at that point I think it was like 6:45pm or something I went inside and finally managed to eat something. The sight of food made me nauseous but I knew I had to.

It's weird how our bodies shut down when we are so sad. It's like it doesn't wanna survive. But then I also reminded myself, why the hell am I not eating when I know full well he's probably eating without suffering like I am.

There's a few reasons why I'm so sad about Tuesday but I'll get into that later. Wanna write about my day in detail.

My mum then came to speak to me and I know she knows somethings up with me because she heard me crying to honey on Tuesday night because right after I spoke to A, honey called me and I tried to act like I was fine but I broke down to her. I think my mum heard a lot because I was sat on the bathroom floor of my parents bathroom and I had no idea my parents went to bed so when I came out , they were both in bed I was like woops.

And when I didn't take my lunch to uni yesterday, my mum didn't say a thing but normally if I don't take food she will literally force me to take it.

So anyways my mum came to speak to me and she asked if I was okay and I said yeah. She wanted to tell me about this dream she had so I sat and listened and then after she asked me again if I was okay and I feel SO bad about the way I replied to her. I was in a bit of a mood because of everything but I know that's not an excuse. So after I went upstairs and kissed her and apologised for talking to her the way I did. She was fine with it.

Theeennnnn I went to my room to write in my diary but honey facetimed me and she felt sad. So I comforted her and listened to her and tried to give some advice. And that's when Ayrton texted me. It caught me off guard.

Not sure what to say. Not sure what to think. I'd rather a call or him to say let's meet up to discuss things cos idk what to say to that text about a kettle bell. Yeah I wouldn't mind having it but at the same time I wanna say something savage like you need it more than I do, but I know he doesn't lol cos he's muscly.

Idk I'm gonna think about it.

And then I saw my mum sleeping downstairs. I'm getting excited about Einaudi but at the same time I'm thinking about honey said to go with my husband in the future. Idkkkk. Also if the tickets are really expensive then allow it man I'll just watch him on YouTube

And then I drifted off to sleep and I slept good last night. I was a bit sad still but I didn't wake up once and got a full 7 hours of sleep.

I need to get ready for uni. I can low-key feel myself feeling a bit sad but I'm trying to push those emotions to the side. I keep reminding myself he isn't sad so why should I? But I know the answer to that too, I care and love too much. More than him probably. I said there are a few reasons why I'm sad but I'm getting late so I'll write later. I have loads to expand on.

I'm not walking to Costa today.

I still have loads I wanna write about. I mainly wrote about my day but didn't write much about my thoughts yesterday and I want to write that down today. Will be another long one. I still don't have an appetite. -7:44am

Even when I was sat in the garden I looked to the side where the side gate is and it reminded me when I first saw A after so many months and he came to my house and I was just replaying that day in my head and the memories. My brain holds onto memories so much.

Yesterdays 6 letter Wordle: object

That's another thing that's killing me. He isn't playing Wordle .