547 days

Fri night

I wrote earlier that I felt like lately me and Ayrton don't talk about much like our conversations don't expand much beyond work and uni but I really appreciated and enjoyed todays phone call.
It was honestly just what I needed, like a breath of fresh air and we spoke about a lot more.

I just got out the bath, I did ghusl so I can finally pray. In Islam they say, no matter how bad you are, no matter how much you sin, never skip salah/namaz. It's the first thing we will be questioned on, on the day of judgement. I'm really disappointed in myself because I was on top of it for years. I never used to pray, I only started when I was 18. I mean I did start praying when from 9-15 but then I stopped for years and lied about doing it and my mum found out. I always tried to do it but I never could on my own accord. But then something switched in me at 18 and I never missed a single prayer until this year. I never intentionally missed one anyway. I would rush during my breaks in uni and pray, even at work, I'd give up half my lunch to pray. I tried my absolute hardest and was devastated if I ever missed one and would try to make up for it.

I don't know what's gotten into me recently but it's the one thing I was good at, one thing my Muslim friends praised me for and looked up to me for. Praying. I was known for it. Even I was proud of myself. I think that's why I'm not always happy. They say when you neglect God , then you won't feel at ease or content. So I'm determined to get back to who I was. Praying. I always found comfort in praying. I'd tell everything to God like he was my best friend. I'd cry my heart out to Him. It's taking five mins out of your day to be grateful. And you're also pure and clean. You do wudhu, you wash yourself when you go to the toilet, clothes are clean. Islam is such a clean and hygienic religion, one of the things we get judged on is how hygienic we were.
I'd pray about Ayrton to God. I've even prayed actual namaz on behalf of Ayrton in Najaf by the shrine of Imam Ali and Imam Hossein in Karbala. I even used to do Tahajjud namaz when I first met Ayrton. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to pray this special namaz for both of us. That's a different type of love, not sure he will ever understand but if I ever said that to honey or Ilham they'd understand the importance of it like it's a big deal to do these things for someone.

I think I told him about Najaf and Karbala and I think he thanked me but I don't think he realised the enormity and intensity of that. Doing namaz there, in those holy places where angels visit is insane. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I prayed on behalf of him. InshAllah it helps him in this world and the next. It's the ultimate act of love. He'll never know the true extent of it.

I want a love like imam Ali and Hazrate Fatima . I think every Muslim strives for this one day inshAllah.

I strive for a love like Mahmoud Darwish.

I have been watching the great gatsby all day - lately I can't seem to sit and watch an entire film in one sitting I need to take breaks, the same with books. Never used to be like this though. But the love story in it is intense And I want a love so powerful.

I have been meaning to watch the great gatsby for years. I've always liked the soundtrack to it too, I believe the score or soundtrack can make it break a film. Lana del ray - young and beautiful is one of my fave songs and it's from the great gatsby. Made me feel so peaceful. Music can alter the way you perceive the world. Genuinely.

It has been shown via brain scans that when we listen to or perform music, nearly all brain regions are active simultaneously. Listening to and making music may actually changes the way your brain works. According to studies, music impacts how we view the world around us.

There's more I wanna talk about but I cba rn. I low-key smelt of smoke from the fire so had to put everything in the wash and lit a candle in my room.

Good night diary🪐
00:02am