547 days

Thursday night

Thursday night.
Discussing an endearing patient I had on placement, really wanted to write this memory down so I wouldn't forget. Discussing gym, and and Lorenz and praying and reading.

Dear diary,

I've just come into bed and I feel really happy.
Crazy how much a simple workout can boost morale. It's not that I'm insecure about my body I actually like it right now and  alhamdulilah I'm healthy cos that's the main thing  but I didn't feel good cos I wasn't being fit and healthy, getting out of breath too quick.
I went to the gym at like 7pm expecting it to be empty but it was so busy. Ilham facetimed me and she was also at the gym and I just love her so much. I pray we will stay friends forever inshAllah.

I had a two hour nap when I came home from placement today. I put my phone on flight mode and I was knocked out. I'm quite a light sleeper but I've noticed lately I'm a deep sleeper, my parents will be doing anything and everything and I slept through it all and only woke up once but went back to sleep. I'm glad I had a nap as my headache was irritating me so much and when I woke up it was gone. I have a slight headache now though, not sure why I keep getting headaches lately.

The patient I wanted to write down because I know it's a patient I'll treasure forever. He really got to me and I didn't want him to leave.
This patient is an elderly male who often comes in to the GP because he's quite lonely. He thinks there's something wrong with him bless him but he's had almost every single health test and he's healthy which is a good thing. So the GP said they'd do a weekly health check with him (they changed it to every Fortnight today) just to reassure him he's okay.

I've had this patient about 3-4 times so he knew me and I knew him. I did all the relevant checks on him and even took his pulse twice, once manually and once with a device to reassure him as he's quite anxious. I ddi a chest auscultation when I didn't even need to but did it, to again, reassure him. I asked him if there's anything he wanted to talk about (mental health), and in the mean time I was waiting for my supervisor to come in to give me the "okay" to advise this patient etc etc.

My supervisor was with a complicated patient so he took a while to come to my consultation, I was sat talking to this patient for a good 30 mins and I learned so much about this patients life I was in awe. I could have sat there for hours just listening to his life.
Kinda put me to shame, felt like I should be doing more.

I'll share what he said with me, whilst maintaining confidentiality cos I wanna remember as much as I can and not forget.

He told me he plays instruments and I do too so we had something in common and that's how the conversation kicked off. He mainly played bass guitar and now plays the ukulele. he told me was in multiple bands and left the uk at the age of 17 to play with bands across Europe. Mainly Germany. It was meant to be a two month contract but ended up being 8-9 years.

Whilst he was there, he met a German woman (Mona Lisa we will call her, her name is one of the friends characters names ) and they were together for 18 months.
Long story short, he moved back here and she stayed there. They were on and off for a while and tried to stay in contact with hand written letters and phone calls when they were a part but eventually they fizzled out.

Twenty years later, (1992 I think) Mona calls this patient.
He told me the way she got his number. She called up his parents post office, and then got his aunties number, who gave her his parents number, who gave her this patients number.
When there's a will, there's a way.

She got in contact with him and I guess the rest is history. He sold his house and moved to Germany but I think they moved back here and his wife passed away a few years ago.

As he was standing up to leave the room, he sat back down wanting to talk some more and I can't be rude but at the same time I had to wrap up the conversation as my next patient had been waiting a while. As he was leaving, he turned around to look at me and his eyes were glossy, not sure if he had tears in his eyes, but he said he really hopes he will see me again. And he repeated that a few times.

Honestly, he touched my heart. I wish I could do more for him. He even told me Mona had kept his letters all this time, actually her parents had, not Mona. But I want a love story like that. Give me hand written letters and notes. Give me your time and effort. Give me your love. Have eyes only for me. That's all I want. I don't want all this fancy shit and drama. I want a good life yes but I'm not materialistic. All I want is an epic love story like they did in the older days. All I want is to stick by someone through thick and thin and see the good in someone and they see the good in me. We all have flaws and no one's perfect. But when I love someone, even their flaws are perfect to me.
I want someone who will want to hold my hand when walking or doing nothing. Hold my hand when even lying in bed or chilling. Who will hug me from behind when I'm cooking. Who will never make me doubt their love or doubt myself and will surprise me with flowers and bombard me with kisses.
Cuddle me tight and trace my skin when watching films or doing anything. Nose kisses forehead kisses. Anything. Candle lit picnics and book dates. Pull me into his lap or pull me in for a hug. Pick me flowers from the side of the road. I don't care about £20 roses. I care about the thought and effort. Write handwritten thoughtful cards. Watch the sunrise together, watch the sunset together. Stargaze together. Rainy day cuddles. Tell me what's on his mind, tell me what's bothering him. I want to be that person to take it all away. Lorenz is ill right now and if I could, I'd take his pain away and transfer it on to me instead. Ahhh I love it all. I'm such a "it's the thought and effort that goes behind it" type of person.

One thing I love a lot, and this might be TMI but it's the perfect thing about being anonymous and using fake names, is he ALWAYS kisses my forehead during "sexy time". I've noticed it every single time and it makes me feel so loved in that moment cos it's such a vulnerable moment to be in and when he does it, it's like all the security I need.

As I'm writing this, Lorenz has done most of this a part from the letters. I'll never forget when he hugged me from behind when I was baking brownies, it's the first and last time he did it. Wish he did it more. He hugged my back and I loved it. I love small affectionate gestures.

The next thing.
Lorenz's voice. Urgh his voice is so deep and velvety cos he's ill. I know it's bad cos he's ill but I can't help but notice how sexy it is lol. His voice was always dreamy to begin with, I've always told him but more so now. I told him and he was like "I don't like that you're fixating on my voice" like sorry but can't I say how I feel about your voice? I'm not fixating on it, I'm just observing how it sounds lol. If someone said to me they like how my voice sounds I'd take it as a win.
Sometimes he makes me feel like I can't tell him everything like how I feel, even small things cos I don't know what he's gonna say or feel.

Praying.
I really need to start praying and I don't like how nonchalant I've been with praying. I used to never miss a single prayer and now it's becoming normal. It's not who I am.

Reading.
Need to get into reading again. I was gonna read before bed but I'm really tired.
Haven't even replied to half my friends. Need to tell my friend I can't meet up tomorrow cos I'm being forced to go to an event I don't even wanna go to :/
Not sure how I feel about that. But it's just a few hours. Maybe I'll end up enjoying myself.
It is what it is.

Oh before I forget
Lorenz said again I should be proud of myself and I don't think I'll ever be proud of myself but I don't know why, that phrase really gets to me. To be proud or for anyone to be proud of me. It's nice when he says that.
Also my supervisor said something to me and it's made me feel so happy I can't stop thinking about it but I'm too tired to write so I'll do it tomorrow if I remember.

Good night diary. I'm happy 🙂
22:30pm