I've been awake since about 9 but I'm still in bed. Tash texted me apparently there was a mini earthquake last night she woke up from it. I didn't feel it though.
My brain holds onto memories so fiercely. I was thinking about so many memories. Like when I woke up I was fine, and then I went on TikTok for a bit to distract myself and then I saw a TikTok and all the memories hit me and how good we used to be. I haven't cried since Wednesday. Obviously I've cried since then but not to do with him, they were more period tears but I haven't actually cried about this situation since Wednesday.
Like literally in uni the girls were talking about Ben and Jerry's cookie dough ice cream and all I was thinking was how he likes that flavour like the first time we ever did anything during that night shift, he got the cookie dough ice cream.
Like even during the moment I won't think anything of some stuff but afterwards it's like my brain latches onto the memories and embeds in my brain. Like I can't not think about it. But I guess that just shows how much love I had for him, or still have.
Omg I forgot to say. On Thursday Iehab facetimed me and she was on a walk around the bay and she was like Have you been to this coffee shop? And she showed me the coffee shop.
When I tell you the feelings I felt, I almost broke. It was the same coffee shop me and A wanted to go, it was that day we walked around the bay and we went to zizi and then after we wanted to go this coffee shop and we walked up to it but It was closed. I'll never forget that day. It's my favourite memory. I've got loads of fave memories but that's my faveeee.
I've even got one of my bank passwords related to that day.
Urgh I wish I didn't care so much. I really wish I didn't. But it's who I am. It's impossible for me to not care.
That's all im gonna speak of it. Im surprisingly not even hungry and I wish I was. It's taking me back to December when I didn't eat at all and I lost a lot of weight, I don't wanna lose that much weight, my body doesn't deserve it, I deserve to eat good food and be happy.
11:02am
—— So I wrote all that in the morning . I didn't cry today. It was cold today but sunny, got home around 6ish I think.
There's just so much on my mind I can't even be bothered to write about it even on here. I've become so reserved. Don't tell anyone anything anymore and it's actually kinda sad. If anyone asks, I'm fine.
I just got off FaceTime with honey, lasted about an hour, and the entire time she was talking about her and her friend and she admitted she needed someone to vent to and I'm happy I can be that person for her. But honestly I wasn't really in the mood tonight but I'd never let it show or tell her, I've always said I'll always be there for my friends. It's the worst when you wanna talk to someone about your issues and they seem so uninterested or unbothered so I made sure I wasn't like that today, or ever like that to any of my friends or anyone if they wanna speak to me, even a stranger. Of course I care, but everyone comes to me. Don't get me wrong I feel honoured my friends feel they can express themselves to me and come to me for advice. I'll always be there. But It just becomes so soul draining for myself.
She then asked me how I was, I said I was fine, makes me laugh saying I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm not okay. But no one needs to know that. I'm the happy friend, the fun friend, the foodie friend, the "go to" friend, the "never stops talking" friend. I told her I'm good, she asked if I ate and I said yeah, ... barely. But she doesn't need to know that. My dad was like you haven't ate today so brought food into my room.
I made my dad a good breakfast this morning.
I wanted to learn interstellar on the piano when I got home so that's exactly what I did. I've learnt a bit of it on the piano, it's kinda slow, but with practice I'm sure I'll get faster.
It seems kinda simple but it's haaaard. I have small hands too, having big hands is a good quality to have for playing the piano, my fingers felt like they were gonna break, I couldn't stretch far enough for some of the chords 😭 I posted it on my WhatsApp story, I feel like such an "Iranian auntie" or Middle Eastern auntie doing that like the stereotype but my fave cousin asked and she can't get access to iMessage rn and sometimes used her mums WhatsApp but I'm not gonna send her mum (my uncles wife) stuff like that personally, it's weird. And my other aunties and cousins said they'd wanna watch it so I just do it from time to time.
Todays 6 letter Wordle: nearby. Took me a while to get. I was actually getting quite rich on Wordle but accidentally used 200 coins for a hint I didn't even want 😭
When I was a teen, I used to climb out the bathroom toilet and sit on the garage roof and stare at the stars (my mum knows I used to do this). I might just sit out for a bit and wrap myself up in a blanket and watch something. I find it peaceful. My soul and mind and body needs it, I need peace. I haven't been getting it.
I had a strong urge to go to the gym today but I'm still on my period. Hopefully come off it on Tuesday or Wednesday. I was deeping how strange periods are today like I'm literally bleeding and I'm okay with that? Sometimes I don't realise it's literal blood.
I watched the rest of behind her eyes on Netflix, finally finished it after two years. Ending was craaaaazy, now I get why everyone was saying to watch it.
I just checked and it's cloudy tonight. Still might sit out though.
21:54pm
Urgh I'm watching the crown and prince Philip just kissed Queen Elizabeth's forehead (and lips) and I'm just like :(
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