547 days

Saturday 14th January 2023

Dear diary,

Mahmoud Darwish is my favourite poet. I'm in love with his quotes and want him to romanticise and poet my life. - 18:09pm. This should go at the end of this diary but I wanted it at the start so if anyone reads this, they Google Mahmoud Darwish poetry quotes.

Everything is fine but I think I need a break and take this weekend to properly chill so I'm gonna turn my phone off. I wrote a lot this morning in my diary and published it but then I just deleted it all. No one is gonna read it but I cba. Maybe I'll upload it later on tonight cos I saved it in my notes.
I had a dream I went to Birmingham with Lorenz and I want to now. I want to escape. It's just one of those days where I feel distant and not quite feeling anything or anyone. - 12:02pm

One of my favourite memories in my life is going down to Gower and watching the sunset and eating fish and chips on the cliff. I wish to do that today even in this weather. Want to go away. - 15:27pm

17:54pm - just turned my phone back on. Only had it off for an hour and half or so, but had it on flight mode on and off throughout the day. I'm in my sisters room, candle lit, a night light on, in bed reading a book and annotating. Lorenz texted me saying if I want to talk I can call him because he can tell somethings off with me. Plus he's with his son, I wouldn't want to take time away from his son. Even if I wanted to call him, and I do, I feel like I shouldn't do it when he's with his son. I appreciated him saying that. Urgh I feel like I fall in love with him so many times but isn't that what love should be like? Falling in love many times, that's how you know it'll last forever. Insha'Allah. If he feels the same way that is anyway.

I don't really know why I'm so off today. I do and I don't but I don't really want to write about it right now. Even though I write, somethings in the heart are too big to be said or written. I feel like crying but I don't want to.

I'm meant to be meeting with some friends tomorrow which will be nice.

I'm trying my hardest giving proper replies to people today. Being human is hard sometimes. I'm that friend that's known for being funny and happy and cheering everyone up, all my friends come to me for advice, they all say to me I'm always happy and goofy (even though I've been crying more lately cos of what's been going on), so I don't want them to know when I'm having an off day.

Lol my friends just cancelled on me lmFao.
Fuck sake. Now  I'm really upset. good fucking night- 19:33pm

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I feel better now, not 100% but I'm better. And it's crazy because one person can just lift my mood slightly. I really do wish I was cuddling with him tonight eating pizza with a nice Christmas candle lit. In due time.
Gonna put my phone away now and carry on reading with Mr Bruno Mars playing in the background. - 21:18pm