547 days

Midnight conversations to my soul

I cannot sleep. I've been thinking about everything that's happened and my feelings and what she said to me and what Lorenz said. I'm glad we called and facetimed and I finally told him. He was more or less saying I shouldn't have left for the second patient but he doesn't realise that when I'm that pissed off with someone and that upset, I literally do not want to be anywhere NEAR that person. I didn't even look at Honey when she was trying to tell my diagnosis was wrong let alone be in the sane room as her. All I needed was thirty mins to myself.

I ended up crying after the phone call with Lorenz. Partly felt misunderstood.
I listened to my piano playlist (currently still listening to it whilst typing this, Einaudi is a beautiful genius). But it was a nice conversation we had and I needed him to idk make me take my mind off of things I guess idk. I accidentally hung up too fast and he was saying something and I didn't realise, low-key wished he'd say love you.

I'm really happy we called though. He asked me how my day was, and the patients I seen, and what my favourite and worst part of the day was and I don't think he's ever asked me that and I liked that he was interested in my day. Idk I just like it when effort is shown. I like that he was genuinely interested in what was bothering me and he wanted me to speak to him and he tried to give his judgement and he didn't just shrug it off like it was nothing because it really was and still is an issue that is bothering me and I think the most important thing is I'm beyond happy he at least tried to understand me. I'm happy he facetimed and I got to see his face. I noticed his dimple again today. I like his smile. At one point I was staring at him with nothing but love, and I never know if he looks at me the same. If he ever looks at me with love?

That's the scary thing, you never know what someone's thinking.

I tried to downplay how upset I was when talking to Lorenz but as soon as we hung up I cried them tears lol.

I don't want to go in at all I hate conflict. I'm listening to interstellar Cornfield chase and it's making me cry even more. Lorenz is right, I do still care for her, I do care if she got home safe and If she ate anything when she got home, but I'll never see her the same or like her the same.

Speaking of interstellar. I can't wait to rewatch interstellar with Lorenz. I feel so sad, and it sucks cos I was feeling serene this last week.

It's my sisters birthday in 17 days. I have no idea what's she's doing. If she's happy? If she's healthy? If her husband is treating her right?

People believe you when you say you're okay.

I still forgot to tell Lorenz how much it meant to me when he said I should be proud of myself. I don't hear that often. I don't get told to be proud of myself or hear people say I'm proud of you. It's one of the few phrases that really gets to me.

I wanted to say I love you to Lorenz but it kills me when he never says it back. So I just never say it anymore and that's not the type of person I am, I find myself refraining and restricting myself from saying I love you just because I know he won't say it back.

But I appreciate him and I do love him. I'm very openly affectionate and it hurts sometimes when he isn't as vocal. But he is through his actions and gestures. I love it when he pulls me into him for a hug it's one of my favourite things.

I'm actually in a better mood and stopped crying just because I was reliving happy memories with Lorenz. Imagine being so good to someone that you're able to take their hurt away and replace it with happiness. If only he knew and if only I had the same effect on someone. I hope I do. It's almost 1am. Gonna see if I can sleep if my brain decides to switch off. I'll see if I'm gonna go in tomorrow- 00:54am

Also I had an "everything shower" and I feel silky smooth now and it also lifted my mood lol