547 days

Sunday 8th January 2023

Dear Diary,

How the hell did I sleep so much?? I literally just woke up and it's 11:53am?!!!

I managed to sleep at 1am. I was watching a film and I think I actually fell asleep briefly and I woke up and tried to stay awake to watch the film but I knew I had to sleep so I fell asleep instantly. I woke up in the middle of the night cos I had this crazy dream about shrek and rumplestiltskin for some reason. But I managed to sleep again after that.

I cannot believe placement starts from tomorrow and I have to start waking up at 6am. I am going to struggle! I need to sort out this new iPhone too. I'm already stressing about that I don't know what to do.

I just went into Snapchat memories and this time last year, me and Lorenz went into town and I picked up some body spray from Victorias Secret. We did a lot of things during January. I want to see him😩 - 11:57am

I failed to mention in my yesterdays journal that Lorenz said he wants to go to an Italian food place with me so I'm going to add that to my restaurant food list I made ages ago in my notes app. I loved that he suggested that.

My dad also said he wants an Apple Watch. I wish I knew earlier so I could have got it for Christmas but I've already spent like £400 in the space of a few days. So I'm going to chill with buying gifts or anything else for the time being.

I feel like I've been dancing on broken glass for a while now but I hope it's not forever cos I don't like my headspace at the moment. I can't even be bothered to write it in my diary anymore. I just want to be like 'I identify as correct and I'd like for you all to accept that.' Cos anyone can identify as anything these days so I now identify as correct. - 12:14pm

I went downstairs and saw the phone on the table still in the box. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Honestly I'm going to act like it doesn't exist for today too. I feel so bad for my dad I don't mean to be mean. I just need to think about what I want to do with it. I'm going to chill today. I'm listening to one of my favourite songs, Iris - GooGoodolls . Such a good song.

——
Stressful afternoon. My face feels hot cos of all the pressure. Who wants to live like this? I'll tell you what though and I mean this from the depths of my heart. I love My friends and Lorenz to the moon and back. I love them truly. They've proven to me time and time again I can rely on them and I hope I can be that friend for them too.
Even Lorenz calling to calm me down a bit with everything that's going on like it really is the small things and everything in between that he said. I know it's stress for him too.

Fun fact for anyone reading this, when I say I love you to the moon and back to anyone that I love, I mean it because, our hearts pump about 2000 gallons of blood in 24 hours. This is equivalent to the amount of fuel needed to travel to the moon and back (from earth). So when people or anyone who says I love you to the moon and back, they quite literally mean it. Well, I know I mean it anyway. I learnt this fact a while ago and it's something heavy.

I bought a phone. Bought it in full. Now I'm broke asf lol. But it is what it is.
Now I really can't think about moving out cos WITH WHAT MONEY? Anyone in my shoes would have accepted the phone my dad got and I still feel awful he sent it back but in the long run I'm saving him money and showing I can be independent.

They'll probably end up messaging Lorenz without me knowing, so they can send his things back to him. I hate this stupid mess. I still feel quite warm like idk how to explain, I feel under pressure, my cheeks are still red and warm from stress.

I kinda want to cry it's been a shit day and I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. I'm also grateful to the guy I spoke to over the phone when I contacted customer service, he was funny and kind and honestly he lifted my mood briefly. He had no idea what kind of day I was having, this is why it's always important to be kind.

I'm grateful to Lorenz for allowing me to use his phone and iPad this entire time and I told him I'm sorry for the amount of stress it's caused him.

In all honesty I'm thinking about moving out still. I want to get my own passport, it costs a lot though, less than £100 but right now I can't afford anything lol. If I had a job, I wouldn't have this problem.

I don't think I'll write for the rest of the day. I really just need to chill I have a headache coming on. - 16:00pm.

——

I think I've caught a cold and it's come at the worst time right before placement 😭 my head is burning, I've got a fever 😭 (the medical term is Pyrexia) and I've got a headache. I either caught it yesterday when I went out or I genuinely think this stress is making me ill. I feel nauseous and sick too.
I got a call from Lorenz, he's at work and he's just so calm and soothing. If only life was this calm. For the short time I spoke to him, life was calm. And to be honest my life is calm right now too, no one is bothering me but I just feel extremely overwhelmed and overstimulated and doesn't help that I feel ill. That's enough of me now. - 18:37pm

——
So I went downstairs and snacked a lot. Wasn't hungry but it honestly took my headache away slightly and my temperature. I watched the Kardashians and some modern family.

But anyways. Main thing is, I feel better. I already know I won't be able to sleep for ages but idc anymore it is what it is. - 22:06pm

I just opened Snapchat and one of my friends had messaged me this

Well , you are a good person after all and you are more then capable of acheiving anything. I am certainly very impressed of you, mashAllah

I'm like I haven't done anything commendable or achievable. But it was nice to hear