547 days

Tuesday night

Dear diary,

Right
Now that I have had time to kind of think about things and have finally stopped crying. I feel SLIGHTLY better I guess.

I won't be able to sleep as it's one of those nights where I have a lot on my mind.

I feel like people talk down on me a lot and think I'm okay with it because I'm the 'happy go lucky' friend that lets everything slide. I don't like being talked down on. I've noticed this from a few people.

I'm literally that friend that will be struggling with so much and people will only know the surface. I'm struggling with money right now and I guess I have too much pride to ask my parents. I paid for mine and honeys desserts today and yeah it may not be much but it's still something and I do it because it's just who I am. I'm kind and I feel it goes so unrecognised.

I think the main thing that upset me was him saying we aren't serious. That's the main issue I was so upset about and I guess still am. I've been as serious as ever and now I'm just...? Lost?

I'm now calm because I can't do anything a part from make myself upset about something he said.
There's a lot more I want to say, not just about him but tonight in general. But I just don't want to. Not in the mood. I don't want to go in tomorrow.

Think I'm slowly shutting myself off from the world. I do. That a lot when I'm upset or when I don't know how to feel things like I don't even know what I'm thinking it's so hard to explain I can't even write what I'm thinking and I'm good at writing what I'm feeling but I can't right now.

I just want someone to say to me
Hyra I am proud of you.
I am proud of you for overcoming shit at 17.
I am proud of you for doing well during undergrad.
I am proud of you for being a really good daughter to your parents up until the age of 21.
I am proud of you for ALWAYS being there for your friends when they could have been better.
I am proud of you for always being kind and biting my tongue so fucking much around people to avoid drama, even if it means it ruins me inside.
I am proud of you for trying to do placement when things have been so hard.
I am proud of you for keeping things to yourself despite wanting to pour your heart out to someone and cry your heart out and scream for help when you know no one would care.
I am proud of you for trying to smile and act like everythings okay when really you go home crying whilst no one knows or even cares.

Sometimes I have to be the one to say it to myself because if I don't then who will?

I think people think I'm weak as fuck for crying all the time but I refrain from saying so much I barely say anything to honey anymore. But they don't know it takes a different type of strength to shut the fuck up and act like everything's okay.

I honestly think that's why I cry so much because I feel so misunderstood. So frustrated. Like people don't listen to me. I'm miserable

One day I'm going to break in front of someone and I think it'll happen soon.