547 days

Late night thoughts 9.3.2023

Currently 00:45am

I forgot how much work goes into uni. Also starting to dislike my group. Need a break. So happy I'm spending time with friends these next few days.

Still debating to publish my diary from the other night. I'm acting like I got a secret in it lol.

Ilham facetimed me when she was at gym. She walks to gym, decided to go at 8pm so made sure she got there safe, and then spoke with her.

Then H facetimed me.

Then I was in a joint call with Ilham and Isra. They needed A's help and wanted me to ask him, but I don't think he'd know cos like it was to do with the law, like I know he's worked at the hospital for a while but this was literally to do with parking and stuff and it was quite late so I thought he'd be asleep and Isra wanted an answer then so we stayed up and tried to sort it out for her.

If they still need his help then I'll ask him.

Tash wants to meet me on Friday and I do need to save money. Need to do uni work as well which is why I'm staying up now. The hard work is starting to begin. I'm seeing Ilham and Isra Thursday night, so tonight, like 6ish I think.

I told tash I'd let her know Thursday. So I'll let her know later today. H wants to go cinema with me as well and she was thinking Sunday and I'm like sometimes doing outings where we don't need to spend money like what me and Ilham do, like go for walks around the bay or have picnics, but H has been asking me for a while for the cinema so I'll go.

Also. I've given Einaudi more thought. And I'm going (if it all works out). I only live once. Started to save for it. Almost there. What if he doesn't tour in 2024. And it's so close to my bday this year. And it's not during exam time. I talked to my mum about doing a solo trip. On my own. It would be nice. I've heard so much about solo travelling. None of my friends are into Einaudi, I know H said she wouldn't mind coming but idk it's a lot of money for her to come see a pianist she doesn't know much of. Ilham has been asking to go on a holiday with me or go somewhere and my parents are almost on board.

This year I'm doing things I want to. Already made plans to go Thorpe park with my best friends. Positive vibes. I'm looking forward to it. I barely get a summer this year so I'm making the most of it especially after exams are done and I have placement, I'll be making plans after placement.

Me and ilham might be going Celtic manor in a few weeks and we made plans a few hours ago to go swimming soon.

West Midlands has been in the talks.

This axe throwing thing H wants to go to where you let your "anger" or stress out I was like I'll end up taking off my fingers 💀

We were gonna break plates for new years like write a bunch of things on there and just throw them away (and clean up our mess) we spoke about this the other week actually.

My life was so chill and Im getting it back. Picnics all the time, walks with friends all the time. Library dates and reading books which I recently did which is something we used to do a while back. We'd always go to Caerleon, would even take Ilham with me and she never went caerleon. Used to go laser tag, used to go to this trampoline park thing with my friends and all the kids were following me and the parents found it so funny lol. This is only like three years ago before covid. Ice skating with tash, I can't ice skate but it would make it so funny we would hold each others hands and hope for the best lol, even have a pic of us holding onto each other. I do think I'm starting to integrate that life back but it's different when you need to put education first as well. Sometimes I don't like the fact that I have to revise and stuff and I don't like exams but I always remind myself nothing comes easy. There's always some sort of sacrifice to get to where you want to be.

I remember I was obsessed with Ronaldo as a teen, and I watched his movie (ashamed to say, more than once) and he's like "so many people are jealous when they see what I have now, the money the cars the houses but they didn't see the struggle and the sacrifices and hard work" and it's something I reflect on from time to time.

I know education is literally just education, it's not a big sacrifice and I'm making it out to be harder than it is. Anyone can do it. But sometimes it really is hard. And you really do have to sacrifice some happiness and free time and be able to meet friends and stuff for it, and it kills me sometimes but it has to be done.

Work hard, play harder.

I'll never forget one time during a levels when this one friend said to me "you can't really have fun cos you can't drink" and I'll always feel sorry for her for thinking you need to drink in order to have fun. Like it's saying, relying on alcohol to produce fun. If only she knew if you're with the right vibes and people and doing things that make you happy, life is fun.

I need to put in the work these next two months and balance life. And then inshAllah itll pay off. Im actually motivated. I've set my alarm one hour early to do work as well so I'll be waking up at 6, in 5 hours 😭😭

Sometimes I literally have to motivate myself and talk to myself or write stuff to motivate myself but I find it works. I'm so close to my dream inshAllah. This time next year it's done. It's my dream to work in theatres. I actually think I might cry at graduation. If I graduate. InshAllah I will. Ayrton was saying don't say If, say When. Be more optimistic. When I graduate, inshAllah.
Although GP placement has started to change my mind, will have to see what hospital placement is like.

A reason why summer and spring are sometimes my least favourite seasons is because I have both good and bad memories from them cos I could never enjoy my birthday as I was either revising for exams or I've had a few exams always fall on my bday. And summer ALWAYS reminds me of exams, and yeah you get to chill after exams are done but then you have the stress of results day. It's just so off putting. Spring is lovely, was walking to uni and the blossoms were opening and it's such a pretty sight, it's like it breathes life into nature again, but spring is also when the hard work starts. I associate seasons with education sometimes. Autumn will forever always be my favourite season. I can't see anything changing my mind.

Omg I'm listening to avril lavigne- girlfriend. Such a throwback lol.

After the online lectures today I literally fell asleep in the most awkward position on the floor like I was leaning against my radiator with a massive pillow behind my back and it wasn't even a comfortable position but I was so tired I passed out. I woke up briefly when my mum left for work so I got into bed and slept for another hour. I've been sleeping so fast lately like as soon as I rest my head and close my eyes, I'm gone.

I really need to try sleep now.
Dreading uni today. it's just the PBL module I wish we didn't have it 💀
Wanna go gym tomorrow after uni before I see the girls, it relieves so much stress. I don't even go for body goals anymore, I go to relieve stress and I honestly feel like it makes you feel better, exercise for you, not for wanting to change your body for others or for a "summer body". Every body is beautiful.

I feel like when you have a positive and clear mind, everything changes and I think more clearly, which is why I've always exercised. I try to at least once a week. I never exercise on my period though. That's an exception. I'm so grateful my parents encouraged sports from a young age. I see the benefits from it now.

I pray the homeless have somewhere to rest warm tonight. I was thinking of them today more so than other days. My mum has always brought us up to think of the homeless and the hungry. I silently pray for them before I sleep and am thankful for the life I have.

Good night diary.
1:17am

Also I'm so hungry lol I'm craving Morrison donuts.

Also Ilham called Ayrton hench today. We weren't even speaking about him, she was trying to use an example and thought of him and called him hench. It's not the first time she's said it to be fair lol