I keep replaying all the words he said to me on Tuesday night. I normally do this with anyone such as that argument I had with honey and her words kept replaying in my head for days. I think it's because I think im a good person, friendly, give the best of me, and to always put others before myself, that when people literally see the bad in me and all my flaws and say everything and anything about me, especially hearing it from people you'd never expect, it ruins me. I'm like what did I do so wrong and how could I try to be better? Like i question everything I've done
There are so many times when so many people around me have annoyed me or their actions and words don't match or I've genuinely been so hurt by them but I rarely ever say it because I know there's more to them than the bad that sometimes stands out. It's just the type of person I am and I stupidly expect the world to be like that. I ignore their "flaws" because sometimes flaws isn't a bad thing, it's what makes a person , then. I ignore it because I love to love.
I said yesterday didn't I, how I feel like I get on with everyone at uni , and how people come up to me and talk so freely and hug me. We even had to randomly sit with new groups yesterday and my group wasn't speaking at first so I was the one to make conversation and get everyone comfortable and by the end of it they're all joking with me and wanted me to sit with them in the next room. At the end of the lecture my lecturer even came up to me and chatted me as I always thank her or any lecturer for teaching us. She heard me talking about cookie dough and fully started talking to me, she's the same lecturer that said I have good communication. My other lecturer said I'm cheeky lol but in a good way and said I'm funny.
I literally help the pregnant student all the time I take her laptop and carry her things all the way to her car. Just because I don't want her to struggle. I don't tell people these things cos I wanna stay humble. At one point she couldn't even open her car door so she asked me to open it for her and put her things in her car. I always tell her to text me when she's home. She always appreciates it and says I'm so good to her. Her car is way out of my way but I'll do it, I take her laptop and bags and if she needs to lean on me when walking then of course. I just try my hardest to be a good human. I mean I'm not gonna lie, that isn't trying hard because these things are natural to me. Like I don't think twice about doing these things.
But now I said didn't I, is it all a lie? Are they faking it? Because the person I was most close to, said that I piss him off and wants me to fuck off a lot of the times. I'm annoying apparently when really I'm just trying to be playful. I just , idk. You never know what someone's thinking, never know what someone really thinks of you.
Yesterday I spoke to phoebe, Iehab and harisa. I'm gonna start using actual names because it's literally just the first name, there's no giving away identity like that. They facetimed and stuff and I even spoke to Harisa's baby cousins who I've held and played with when I was at her house and one of them really doesn't like me lol it's a running joke and it's weird cos I'm so good with kids and they all love me and gravitate towards me so yesterday that toddler that normally doesn't like me was fully speaking to me (in baby talk that I didn't understand) on FaceTime and was showing me her doll and when harisa wanted to speak to me, the baby would quickly come up and pan the camera to her so she could talk to me and I was making her laugh and stuff lol. It made me really happy lol kids are so innocent and pure and a blessing.
Then A was like well you're not pregnant cos ur on your period and it made me sad cos I want a babyyyyyy. Think it's just period emotions and baby fever kicking in but I'd love a baby inshAllah.
Anyways, the whole point of this diary was. I'm so confused. He said all that to me Tuesday and we are talking normally now which don't get me wrong, I like we are talking. But , how ? How is it so easy for someone to say all that to someone and then just...? I'm so confused. But at the same time I'm like, I know myself, I know I'm a good person and they always say good people always get hurt. I know everything I did was out of love and good intentions and if someone can't recognise that or appreciate it then it's on them and not me. I am done blaming myself or rethinking things I could have done differently, because I wouldn't have. That's not me. If I did things differently then that's not the person I am, it's just a fake persona.
Harisa said she's proud of me yesterday and I wasn't expecting it and I've said before haven't I that when someone says they're proud of me, it means so much to me because I never feel like I'm ever good enough.
I want him in my life of course I do, I just don't understand any of it. I'm so confused still.
Einaudis Dublin tickets go on sale at 10am so in about 20 minutes, im hoping I can get one if they're not expensive, but I'm still contemplating the Rome concert, in December. I looked and the price was in euros as Einaudi is Italian but it seemed really cheap like 40 odd euros. I think I'll cry all day today if I can't get his tickets. I want to add this to my bucket list. To see Einaudi. I've learnt a bit of his "bird sound day 7" piece on the piano. And both my sisters can play two or three of his songs on the piano so his songs always bring me back to happy memories. And I use his songs to sleep or study or literally anything I love his brain he produces masterpieces.
My favourite is Experience. It's the song A played over his house during "spicy times" but it was my favourite song before then anyway. It's the same song he played when we were on FaceTime together and I wanted to fall asleep.
I haven't got back to anyone from like 9pm last night. My phone has a bed time routine so it automatically goes in do not disturb from a certain time at night but I really can't be bothered to get back to anyone today. At all. I've given so much of myself to everyone lately and I feel so drained and I know I always say I put everyone before myself and honestly I really do, but today I just want my time. I think I'm gonna turn my phone off. People don't believe me when I say I don't get back to anyone sometimes but I have the evidence.
I'll still use my laptop and maybe update on here about my feelings cos I have loads to talk about but idk.
Main focus right now is Einaudi. 🙂 Then my phone is going off.
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Normally on days like this I'd go gym but I can't when I'm on. I don't think it's good for you and I personally don't feel comfortable going to the gym when I'm on. Think I'll stay home and eat left over cookie dough and donuts and order some food.
