547 days

Mon 30th Jan 2023

I wrote this in the morning but didn't publish it. Publishing it now on my lunch break.

I'm so tireddded. Took me ages to fall asleep last night, brain was on overthinking mode last night, and was helping Ilham with her annual leave. think it was like midnight when I slept.

My body aches all over, especially my right bicep cos I arm wrestled his son and he's way stronger than me.

I kinda wish when me and Lorenz went out, there wasn't so much pressure on me to finish my food. I force myself to eat my food.
But anyways, any milk other than dairy milk is for the winnnn it's so delicious and is good for my lactose intolerant self lol.

I'm at Costa now, talked to Ilham the entire walk to Costa. She's truly my bestest friend. Honey said she won't be here for another ten mins. I got time to read my book.

I asked my dad to see if he could fix my Polaroid for me but I think it's fully broken:/ I'm still really gutted over that. My mind is heavy lately. I feel fine I guess but there's things I'm thinking about like how it's my middles sisters birthday coming up, or some stuff Honey said to me last week.

Twenties is crazy. Can we just skip to the good part?

RIP Polaroid 😩 2020-2023😭.

Also I was surprised when Lorenz mentioned the 27th jan thing yesterday. He even knew what day. It was a Thursday. I wasn't expecting him to remember the date, I wasn't expecting to even remember the day, and he did. I'm kinda glad he knew so it's not just me deeping things all the time.

I was kinda surprised he was asking me to do the 10p "gamble" thing yesterday though in the arcade. Even if it wasn't real money, I wasn't comfortable with the concept of it and he asked a few times and then dropped it. I didn't like feeling pressured it made me feel uncomfortable.

I've had a good cry and I guess feel better? Idk. Lying to Lorenz saying that everything is fine lol when I just want his warm hug and his touch and cry into his hoodie.

I'm trying to text Lorenz fine, little does he know I'm sobbing my eyes out on the other side of the screen lol. I cba not gonna lie. I'm using my phone to distract me. I'm speaking to Ilham and a friend I'll call Margarine lol. It's nice to have people to talk to.

Anyways. - 14:31pm

——
Ilham told me to call her as she isn't busy so I spent 30 mins on the phone to her.
Literally have about an hour and half to go. Things are SO awkward with me and Honey. I don't like this at all but I also don't want her thinking she can speak to me how she likes.

I've cried so much in such a short amount of time that my eyes are literally BURNING. I need to sleep. I need to go to the gym too I've just wasted my money as I haven't been since I started my membership. But I don't see myself going tonight I'm way too tired. I was awake at 6am for no reason.

Don't wanna speak to anyone though ngl I was actually feeling quite happy and calm and stress free this last week. Feel sad today and when I'm sad and angry I really don't wanna speak to anyone.

——
All done. I'm proud of myself for sticking it out and acting as if I'm okay. I really wanted to go home. It's a lot to hear constantly that I'm basically not good enough lol.
A failure. Even Lorenz said that word to me the other day. A failure. That's literally my biggest fear to be a failure. I know he was joking, and I honestly didn't think of it since until now, but it's crazy. Am I really a failure to other people? Never know what people are thinking about you.

I've had snickers and three chocolate hobnobs biscuits from the staff room and I feel fat lol but best believe I'm gonna go home and eat kinder bueno 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gonna be an awkward drive back. We started speaking at the end like literally these last few mins and we both are being civil but it's still so awkward like we are only talking when need to. - 16:45pm