Beat Down ➵ au h.s

Chapter 63

TRIGGER WARNING

"don't talk, let me think it over, how we gonna fix this? how we gonna undue all the pain?" - 5SOS

Harry tried to pull his wrist away from mine but I didn't let him, tears were welling up in my eyes, the cuts on his wrist I was ultimately sure had been done by himself, but I wanted to know why. A lump formed in my throat causing it to be almost impossible for me to form words, my thoughts were incoherent at the moment and all I could do was look up at him. It became clear to me only when I looked into his eyes and detected that feeling he's been trying so hard to hide as pain. I tried to blink away my tears so he wouldn't feel as though he had upset me. I didn't need him think he was doing anything wrong at the moment. 

He opened his mouth to say something but closed it, in which caused me to shake my head at start speaking, "no, what do you want to say?" I questioned, hoping he would open up to me about what was going on. 

"I, I'm sorry." I once again shook my head staring at him intently, he had nothing to be sorry for, everything that happened these past weeks flew out the window as I wrapped my arms around him, I had missed this feeling, being in his arms, even if it was for a short period of time that I hadn't. I wasn't going to force him to talk about something he clearly wasn't ready for.

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It was later in the day when Harry began to be himself again, for the most part he hadn't been talking much, only holding me in his arms and thinking to himself, it worried me a bit but I understood that he needed time to think, but it ached to know that they were dark thoughts. But now he had told me that he wanted to go to that run down building, I never understood what he really liked over there, minus the extravagant meadow over there, he mainly stayed in that little room when we went there.

I had always wondered about it but I never questioned it because everyone had different preferences. I sighed to myself when we got out of the car, much to my surprise, almost as if he had been reading my mind, Harry led me to the meadow, once there we laid on the flowers and Harry intertwined our fingers, he took a deep breathe before beginning to speak.

"Everything had started going down hill when I was nine years old, my father had left the day before my birthday, I was young so I didn't know what was going on, I had thought he was just staying at work later that night. But my sister had to explain to me what was going on, shortly after that my mom starting drinking a lot, starting fucking around with drugs as well, she would yell at me and insult every little thing I did. When I turned twelve Gemma left, said it wasn't my fault and that she couldn't stand mum, that's when things got worst." Harry paused wiping away a tear.

"She started hitting me and bringing her friends into the house, her friends, they would touch me and use my body for their pleasure whilst my mum tied me to the bed, the women she brought weren't always drunk or high, they were aware of what they were doing, I had told Gemma what they were doing but she only thought I was trying to get out of the house and that no mother would sink that low. I developed depression and became suicidal, I bean to self harm, I would sneak my mum's lighters to my room and hold the flame to my wrist, I would snap a rubber band against my wrist, pinch at my skin, use razors, anything really.  It was the only control I had in my life, how deep, how many, weather or not I took it too far. That's how I knew how to speak to Brianna's brother, I knew the feelings he was going through." The only person who prevented me from killing myself all the times I've attempted was Louis. He was the only person who I was close with and told everything to until I met the other boys. We had made a plan in eight grade to come to America, it had taken a lot of convincing with Louis' mum but she eventually arranged for it, she was like the mum that mine wasn't she treated me like her own son. She's the only one I keep in contact with in London."

I was speechless when he had finished, I had my own tears streaming down my face but Harry seemed to still have more to say, "That apartment back there was where I came to whenever I had memories about what used to happen, they stopped when you came along. You made me feel something good Chrissy, and I hurt you. I couldn't find a better way to deal with it. But I've had time to think whilst we were apart, I can't loose you and now I know why, it's because I love you."

- unedited